12. BATTLING DEPRESSION

“I was told by the psychologist at my med school’s campus assistance program, that 75% of the class of 175 people were on anti-depressants. He was not joking. How broken is the system, that doctors have to be pushed into illness in order to be trained to do their job?”
Pihu’s query led me to thinking about this quote which my professor had told me back in Medical School.
The question was – “Do big people like you, or rather Doctors suffer sadness or any form of depression.
It was quite a big-ish question for her age so to say.
But, yes, Depression had become more common in medical fraternity accounting for long working hours, night shifts and criticism from general public.
One such huge wave of depression was seen in the years of 2019 to 2022.
Till date, those last two decades, the world had witnessed three phases of infectious episodes –
Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS) in 2003, Middle Eastern Respiratory Syndrome (MERS) in 2012 and the most recent one, COVID in 2019.
And as I head to the hospital, another tale of conversation between me and my sister was about to unfold.
I immediately got drifted to the conversation me and my sister had over a phone call during the month of July during a breakdown of continuous work hours.
I was her stress buster, in all terms.
(scene shifts to brother sister conversation)
“Golu, remember the story once you narrated me?
No, not the hiss snake one.
That was a hilarious one. Lol!
The one filled with morality and significance on living.
On a lighter note, I do miss your tiny tales if not you.
Don’t worry the sweet vengeance to get scorecards on track of irritating each other would be soon aboard.
The story which I was speaking here was of a girl named Daisy struggling with depression.
You had narrated me this story when I was almost inching towards clinical depression after not acquiring a medical seat even with uncompromised effort to achieve it.
Truly, as everyone in the ashram would say you were the best brother I could ever ask for.
Would definitely think about it and tell you by next Raksha Bandhan.
Wink. Wink.
I was narrating the same story in hospital during an incident.
The clear blue sky above, the lush green ground under the feet, yet the feel of sinking in.
The sense of loss of uncertainty, things I did vehemently felt no connotation with my earlier likes.
My endorphins’ levels were significantly low. The deep sense of abandonment and dejection had taken a wild blow.
Hello, this is Daisy, I am an artist.
A painter by profession. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
The much unsung anti-hero in most of our lives.
We don’t give as much importance to mental health as we give to physical health.
Well, I had always been a happy-go-lucky girl until this disheartening situation which marked the turning point in my life.
Anxiety for me came out of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks.
The relationship which meant the world crumbled below my feet, and to add to it the pandemic took away the job I had.
I was shattered and that lead to depression.
Visiting a psychiatrist is still considered a taboo in India making many people victims of the disease.
“I promise things will get better. Just keep pushing on, one day at a time. You are special, you are unique and is irreplaceable.”
These were few words I kept saying myself for buckling up.
Suddenly, a person was standing beside me, as I looked at him astonished. He replied, -
“Did you recognise me?
I have been with you when tears rolled down your cheeks similar to the ones trailing down the window.
I accompanied you when you stepped out of your house, when you were gazing blank into the space. I was there with you everywhere. I am Depression.”
With amazement, I responded back saying, -
“Well, my life is not getting any better, how happy am I?
Will I ever do what I really want to do?
Will I ever settle down?”
Mr. D smirked and vanished.
Meanwhile another soothing feminine voice turned to me and told, -
“Hello, I’m Miss. Affection here. Not to worry.
Things are going to get better for the good. Just focus on yourself.
All is going to be well.” And then disappeared into the air.
Ah! Well, that had a petite yet high impact over me. Think so?
What pathway did Daisy chose?
Did she hold the hands of Mr. D or Miss. A hugged her to the right path?
Hope I haven’t altered the sur and tal of the story and conveyed it in proper proportions.
Oh!
Forgot to tell you the backstory of why I had to narrate it.
Since the time COVID invasion has occurred in this era of modern day, it has toppled the lifestyle and routine.
We, doctors were anyways working for 100 hours a week with little rest and relentless work hours uncompromised.
However, with ingress of this minute organism has made us wear plastic on us and exertion take a positive result with satisfaction if sufferer turns a survivor, a like a brave warrior triumphing in a war field.
As you also know working continuous 10 to 12 hours without a breather loses the zeal to serve for better with suffocation setting in every second.
This led to drop-in enthusiasm day by day in many members of the team.
Adding to the bemoan of feelings was, many nurses and other health care providers were looked down and told to vacate the rented houses as they were scared of dissemination of infection to the vicinity of the house.
Instead of standing by them as pillar of strength, they chose to desert them away from their habitat.
People who lost roof on their head were distraught and wondered what to do next.
Just a mere slogan of COVID warriors are our modern heroes and going about bad mouthing, desheltering them and making them homeless, or even to the extent of hitting.
Health care infrastructure was not well prepared for such a major blow in the entire history.
Health care workers were assigned with various errands and tasks ranging from managing patients to sample collection to screening to admissions to even saving lives.
They were all titled as ‘frontline warriors’ – be it doctors, nurses, ward boys, ambulance drives and so on.
Lack of sufficient testing kits, other resources, unpreparedness in terms of diagnosis and treatment protocol, course of events there by in an unprecedented fashion led to psychological issues.
Fear, anxiety, stress and depression can be hurdles of effective work output.
We have been into lockdown for quite a bit now. It has not been easy for anyone. Every sector, has had a hit.
I was devastated – in particular health care. Even general public suffered due to various reasons – be it no work or mere staying at home.
Humans are social being.
A well-known truth and he cannot stay within a limited place for a long time.
But the pandemic has restricted everyone.
Randomly bumped into a blog online.
It was of an engineer.
When the lockdown was announced in the month of March, I had a bout of anxiety attack.
What would happen about office?
What would the work pattern be like?
I am writing this blog hoping to reflect similar feelings of all of you.
It has not been easy for any of us.
More so for doctors!
We have lost many of our close ones from family or friends’ circle.
I was also devastated and almost suffered depression during this phase. I was at the verge of loss of my major support system – my mother and brother. I was devastated.
Working from Delhi I could not move back to my home back in Jammu, during lockdown.
Communications was all through phone calls.
Work from home had increased burden on everyone and work hours has increased rapidly.
I was in deep sleep after a long day of sitting in front of the laptop, a call from home woke me up. It was bad news.
Mom and brother were identified with virus. They were hospitalized.
I consoled the rest of family that everything would be fine. But somewhere in the corner of my heart, I felt helpless and worried.
I suddenly got remembered that one of my childhood friend – Dr. Akansha, working in the same hospital where they were admitted.
This was the major crisis encountered by my family.
My father and little sister were kept under home quarantine as he was primary contact.
Both my mother and brother were completely monitored throughout the day. The family was also updated on a day-to-day basis. After 14-days vanvaas or so the exile of isolation, both returned home.
What a sigh of relief that was!
Kudos to all those doctors, nurses who worked untirelessly.
A special mention to Dr. Akansha.
Her entire family was affected with the virus, yet she attended her clinical postings unhindered, unshackled.
Absolute proud moment!
We wake up on our ease with having to log in at our pace. They run to attend patients in the wards, as soon as they woke up.
We ordered pizzas and burgers to home for breakfast. They hardly muched on a piece of chocolate or a pack of instant noodles.
Our clock ticked for Netflix, Amazon Prime and Hotstar series. Their clock ticked for shift hours.
It was a complete lifestyle they lived during this lockdown.
Log in. Eat. Sleep. Netflix and Chill was the routine.
But how long can one do the same thing with limited interactions to the outside world.
That small phase of having to see my family crumble to the disease got me to Clinical Depression.
Maintaining sanity of well-being is equally important.
I understood this completely.
All of us have been and visited that phase in the past few months.
We have to keep hustling and doing as much as we can and stride ahead. Do not pressurize anything over yourself.
An extra hour of sleep on a tiring day.
Listening to light music to sooth the mind and soul.
Open curtains and listen to the chirping sounds.
Organize your room.
Learn a new hobby.
Be it cooking or some craft.
Journal out our feelings or things you are grateful for.
Connect with an old friend over Skype or a Zoom call. Check over them if they all right.
In the end, it is human to human interaction and keeping it sane.
Helping and serving is the need of this hour.
Lend out as much as your pocket goes, to a community kitchen or serve the needy through food, masks and so on.
Social media pages are flooded with people trying out Dalgona Coffee, baking, cooking and what not.
This is the best time to spend time with family, playing ancient old board games and revisit old heritage and culture.
As online learning and teaching has become a trend od todays’ day and age, learning a new skill like painting, music, dance, yoga amidst a busy schedule has become easier.
Gardening can be picked up as a new hobby. Spending time with plants can calm our mind and de-stress us. It helps.
Learn a new instrument, have competitions to attend online.
Keep yourself occupied so as to reduce unnecessary clutter. Also, walk around in your house.
That reduces certain amount of anxiety to fallacy of living in a closed door.
Hilariously there has been various challenges circulating around in social media, be it Twitter, Facebook or Instagram to tackle boredom.
Be it black and white challenge.
Be it 10- or 20-year challenge.
Be it Saree challenge.
To #untiltomorrow.
To quarantine pillow challenge.
To pass the brush.
These have kept people connected and trying to stay relevant virtually.
There are many things you can do to keep well. But just getting by is enough. Whatever it takes. You’re doing the best you can.
And one day I hope this will all be a shared memory, and we’ll be together again, living life again, and recovering again. For now, surviving is the goal.
But while we were enjoying amidst all the chaos, let us not forget that there is a certain sect of people, right from doctors, to nurses to other frontline warriors working over the clock.
Irrespective of when the bigger hand meets the small hand of clock met.
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt.
“You are the greatest hero in this story.
Your intelligence, bravery, and compassion are the saving grace of this nation during this dark episode.
Thank you for your service to humanity.
We are so grateful.
Eternal gratitude.
That blog had its own ups and downs of feelings throughout.
Depression can happen to anyone. Even doctors!”
“Yes Mishti, I also read an article. It was about anxiety and depression among doctors and its effect psychologically.
One of the main features that impact psychological well-being is the restriction of freedom of movement connected to social isolation.
Previous studies on several epidemics, such as HIV/AIDS diffusion, the SARS and H1N1 pandemic, the Ebola virus, and the Zika virus, have underlined psychological consequences not only on individuals affected by these diseases but also on the non-infected community because they involve different levels of social life.
Hence, both the sudden outbreak of a new and unknown virus and the measures adopted to decrease its spread have had a strong impact on the quality of life and the population's psychological well-being.
This underlines its scientific relevance in understanding the impact of such kind of event, also on a psychological level.”
(scene shifts to present, 2030)
Pihu was still lost in her thoughts. What a nice thing it would have been if we never grew up.
No tension of work. No tension of money.
No tension. No depression.
What has adult hood done to us!