Chapter Twenty-Nine

**Sargent**
The thought of her and Cassius sharing a tent, or a fucking hovel, in a foreign country, fucking and falling in love has me feeling nauseous. Cassius isn’t like me, he’ll snap a girl like her up and marry her. Especially one who is so much like him in the sense that she wants to save the planet and goes psychotic if you forget to recycle.

I’m losing her and I don’t know how to fix it.

“Is something going on with you and Cassius?” I ask stupidly and watch the shutters come down in her eyes. My jealousy overrode my better judgment. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that. Word vomit. I just hate the thought of you being with somebody I know when you’re done with me.”

“We should quit while we’re ahead,” she tells me and I hate that thought too. “Nothing but hurt is going to come from this, besides, we’re so irresponsible together. We’ve been having unprotected sex like virginal teens for over a month.”

“We’re passionate, we forget the dull stuff, nothing wrong with that.” I look back at our time together fondly. I wonder if she doesn’t.

“That dull stuff, could change our entire lives.”

I shrug. “What do you want then, Tempest?”

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” she states. “I want you to want the same.”

Her answer floors me. “You’re young…”

“So? That doesn’t mean I don’t know what I want, especially with everything that has happened as of late.”

She has a point.

“I don’t want to get married again,” I admit. “And I don’t particularly want to be a father again. If it happened, so be it, but it hasn’t and I’m not interested in trying.”

I want to be honest with her because she needs to know I can’t be what she needs. It hurts me to say it but I can’t hurt her by lying to her.

“I can’t love with the same intensity that you do and because of that I’m never going to be able to give you enough.” I wipe away a tear that falls down her cheek. Dipping my head, I kiss her ready lips and press my forehead to hers.

“Well.” She exhales a shaky breath. “Thanks for your honesty, I guess.”

I kiss her again but she turns her head away.

“I should go.”

“Don’t,” I demand softly, urging her to do things my way, for a little while longer at the very least. “Not yet. Stay with me.”

She bites her lip and arousal swims in her eyes as I lower my head and kiss the soft skin of her throat. Her body shivers in my arms so I press deeper, suckling her skin and tasting her with my tongue. Tiny moans leave her parted lips and her body relaxes against me. How badly I want to be inside of her right now.

I grind as my hands grip, and kiss as her head moves, baring her throat to me.

Though when I reach for the hem of her white shirt she grabs my wrist and douses the embers of the fire I’m attempting to stoke.

“Can you give me a ride back to Cassius’?” she whispers, pushing me back gently with both hands.

Fuck. This is it. I’ve lost her.

I’m not allowed to kiss her anymore, to touch her, to just hold her.

“Say it,” I demand, watching her avoid my eyes. “Tell me it’s over and I’ll take you home.”

“What other options are there? I’m leaving soon anyway.”

“Say it, Tempest.”

“Fine.” She looks me dead in the eye. “We’re done. No more… shag partners or whatever we were.”

The words slice through me but I pretend they don’t affect me. “I’ll take you home.”

“We can be friends? We can email?”

“Maybe.” I don’t want that. Not at all. I can’t even possibly entertain being around her, even digitally.

FUCK.

“Let’s go.” I lead her out of my apartment, to the elevator and then to my car.

“Oh, your umm… unfinished birthday gift is at the Barbie house.”

“Barbie house?”

“Yeah.” She smiles, looking at me with eyes twinkling with amusement. “First time I saw your house I thought Barbie should live there.”

I roll my eyes but her amusement is contagious. She’s fucking adorable. “Where is it?”

“On the easel in the garden if it hasn’t been destroyed. It’s nearly done. I can finish it before I go if you can pick it up?”

She’s referring to the painting I have in storage until I find the perfect place for it.

“I’ve seen it. It’s divine. I’m unworthy of it.”

“Divine? You think so?”

“It’s the only thing I kept, I’ll cherish it. Maybe one day you can come back and finish it?” We share a smile and I put the car in drive. “So, Africa?”

“I’ll be leaving as soon as Cassius allows it.”

Which means she’s been waiting for my response. Why can’t I care about her a little less? Then I could lie to her and tell her I love her and want her to stay. She would. I know she would.

“You could come too?” she suggests, placing her hand on mine, I lace our fingers and rub my thumb over the back of hers.

“Not my thing.” Saying that aloud just further proves how perfect for Cassius she is and not me. He’s ready for kids, he’s ready for a marriage that isn’t shit. “Just stay in touch, send me pictures, keep Maddox safe.”

“Maddox isn’t going. He wants to settle for a while longer.”

This makes me feel even worse. “So who’s going to look after you?”

“I’ll be fine, I was alone for years before Maddox, Sargent. Don’t worry.”

“I’ll always worry about you.” I kiss her wrist and fall into silence. “Can we eat before I take you back?”

**Tempest**
Should I? It feels like torture already. Any longer in his presence and I’ll cave. This is best, to end things now while we’re amicable and friendly. Not nine months down the line when he’s bored and I’m heartbroken. This way won’t cause issues with Maddox. I can still be a part of their lives.

“I think it’s best this day just end.”

“I’m not ready to let you go just yet.”

I blink away my heartache at his words and admit, “me neither.”

***


I haven’t seen him for weeks but I’ve heard his voice when Maddox has spoken to me on the phone. It’s hard saying goodbye, wondering if he’s moved on already, wondering if I’ll bump into him while he’s with another woman.

He texted me this morning asking me how I am but I ignored it. I need space and time to get over him.

Thank heavens I’m leaving Friday, with Cassius. We’re heading to the Democratic Republic of Congo. It’s in no way safe but we’re hoping to bring food, water, and land to at least some of the children there. There’s already a setup to the east in a village surrounded by barren lands that hopefully, with the help of orange peels and the changing climate, will perk up in the next decade. It’s not as though the area isn’t full of resources, it’s that the locals aren’t safe enough to settle down anywhere so they lack the knowhow to get these things safely.

It’s something Cassius is truly invested in. His hazelnut eyes light up whenever we talk about it. His vision for the future there is one I want to be a part of. We could be making history as we know it.

We just got confirmation of sponsorship and permission to enter the country. This is exciting but terrifying.

Maddox now wants to come but we talked him out of it. He only wants to come because I’m going but I know his heart lies elsewhere. I think he’s met somebody. I’m happy for him, a little bit jealous that his attentions will soon lie elsewhere but happy all the same.

“Yeah, thanks, Marcy, she’s basically the same,” I hear Cassius say, chuckling as he gets closer to where I’m sitting in the dining room. “Ridiculous, I know.”

He hangs up and beams at me from ear to ear when he steps through the open door. “We’re going Thursday, not Friday, so get dressed, we need to shop for supplies.”

I stand and look longingly at my phone.

I’ll call him later.

We head to Devon’s and he helps set me up with a backpack perfect for my height and weight.

We have an emotional goodbye, one with tight hugs and promises to keep safe before I head out. I’ve been working for him again for the past three weeks so we’ve really bonded.

I’ll definitely come back one day to see him.

We visit a military store for long-lasting clothing and shoes and by the time we’re both geared up we look ready to join the army. We laugh and joke about it for a while before the reality of where we’re going and what we’re doing kicks in.

“Nervous?” he asks as we admire our tan combat trousers in the mirror.

I shrug. “Not really. You?”

“Terrified,” he admits, grinning.

“You have a lot more to lose than me. I just have myself and my clothes and the ability to move.”

He nods thoughtfully. “That’s one way to look at it.” His arm snakes around my shoulder and squeezes. “We’ll be fine. It’s not war-torn where we’re going. Not terribly anyway.”

“I’m looking forward to it. Minus the bugs. So many bugs.”

He cringes so I know he feels the same. “Call Sargent, maybe you’ll get to see each other before we leave?”

“I will, later. Not now. I don’t have my phone.”

“That’s okay,” he pulls his from his pocket and calls his friend. “I have mine. Talk… get changed. I’ll meet you out front.”

I almost drop the phone as I stare at Cassius in the mirror, shocked at the suddenness of everything. When I put the phone to my ear and move into the changing room, Sargent answers, his voice deep and gruff.

“This better not be bad news, Cassius, I’ve had my quota for today.”

Well… shit.

“It’s me. Sorry, I left my phone at home,” I explain before he can ask.

“Tempest,” he replies, surprised. “It’s good to hear your voice.”

“You too, Sarge.” I smile, twiddling my hair around my finger as I lean against the wall of the changing room. “How have you been?”

He hesitates and I wonder what he’s hiding. “Good. Nothing to report.”

There’s a long pause before he asks, “Is everything okay?”

Deciding not to push the issue I get to the point of the conversation. “I’m leaving with Cassius on Thursday.”

“Thursday? So soon?” His tone is cautious, I can’t read it to understand how he feels about that.

“Yeah, we just got confirmation a few hours ago.”

“Well, be safe. Don’t go anywhere alone. Okay?”

I nod though obviously he can’t see me. “I miss you.”

“Don’t.” His tone is clipped, it startles me. “Just, go do your thing. Good luck, have fun, goodbye and all that shit.”

“Sarge…”

“No, Tempest. You made your choice. It’s been weeks.”

“Oh.” I understand now. He’s over it. He’s over me. “Sorry, I just thought…”

He clears his throat. “I have to go. Safe travels. See you at Christmas maybe.”

The line goes dead and I’m left staring at Cassius’ phone, feeling the urge to cry.

“Are you ready?” Cassius calls a few minutes later.

I exit the changing room dressed in my normal clothes and hand him my new ones.

“What’s wrong?”

I shake my head slowly. “Sargent’s moved on, I shouldn’t have called.”

“He said that?” Why does he look so confused?

“He didn’t have to.”

“Come on. I’m hungry.”

Suddenly I feel nothing but nausea. I knew it was inevitable. What did I expect? That he’d be pining over me?

My ideals are laughable. I’m romanticizing everything. I put too much into such a short relationship, a mistake I’ll never be making again.

I just thought life would finally go my way.

My dad was a drunk and the truth is, he used to beat us all so hard my brother lost his sight in his right eye. Didn’t stop him from becoming just like him though. When my dad beat him, he beat me. When my dad beat me, he also beat me. It wasn’t all the time, just sometimes. Just like sometimes I’d find my brother standing over my bed, staring down at me as he masturbated.

I lived with it for years and I couldn’t take it anymore. Enough was enough.

I didn’t plan to kill them, I just wanted to make them stop. I didn’t murder them in cold blood. I wanted them to think I was crazy, I thought if they thought that, then they’d leave me alone. The plan was to just make them sleep for a while. I wanted them to think I could do it any time I wanted.

I crushed up a ton of sleeping pills using my friend’s grinder and mixed it into the gravy at dinner. Mum was working late and when she worked late, my brother did things to me and my dad didn’t care.

I used too many sleeping pills and neither of them woke up.

At first, I ran, but eventually I was found and was absolved of all charges. Still, Mum didn’t want me back and my foster families were terrified of me. I ended up on the streets and felt so guilty for the deaths I caused I promised to use my life to do better.

Maddox knows this about me. He was the first person I ever told and he was the first person who didn’t judge me for it, or fear me, he simply held me.

I chose to put my trust in the right person, until his father. Maybe all of this pain is still part of my penance.

This pain is my punishment. I’ll never be allowed happiness. I don’t even deserve it.