Chapter 62: Blameworthy

Adani's POV

"Hello Adani. Something told me I'd be seeing you again. Come in and have a seat."

"Thank you," I replied and sat in a comfortable chair. I looked around the room.

"How are you?"

"Not good."

"What's going on, Adani?"

"Dr. Milan, my whole world is basically falling apart right before my eyes because I'm sabotaging myself and my own happiness," I reported.

"What's wrong?" she asked with concern as she straightened the frame to her glasses on her face.

"I wasn't very candor at our first therapy sessions. I made you believe my nightmares and panic attacks stemmed from my childhood, a broken home, an absent mother because she was working to make ends meet, but in actuality, I was a victim of domestic violence. I was beaten, battered, bruised, dragged, slapped, shoved and choked-out by my ex-fiancé almost everyday of my life since we moved in together," I stated. I exhaled with shivers and shut my eyes as the images played yet again in my head.

"Adani. Adani, look at me," Dr. Milan said.

I opened my eyes and looked towards her.

"You're okay," she said.

"I'm trying my all to not fall apart, Dr. Milan. I have a man who loves me, who's in love with me and wants to marry me but I can't get my past out of my head. It's haunting me still. Why is that?"

"Past traumas can be triggered by different events such as words, actions and feelings."

"But Ricardo didn't say anything or do anything and I know I love him."

"This isn't about him. It's about you. You're making a step towards commitment and you're scared and becoming unsure of yourself and everything else coming your way. You don't want to have a repeat of your past so you're now questioning yourself how well do you know your fiancé and should you spend more time getting to know him than marrying him. All the time you've spent together suddenly feels rushed and you want things to slow down," Dr. Milan said and I wanted to kiss the woman. She was so on point with her explanation that it was frightening. I saw then why she was recommended and ranked so highly in Los Angeles.

"Dr. Milan, I'm afraid I'll lose Ricardo. The wedding is already cancelled and he wouldn't even look at me the same anymore." I felt my heart being broken all over again.

Dr. Milan took notes. "Adani, can you tell me what's haunting you more frequently from your past relationship?"

"Umm.. I'll have to say it's the pulling of my hair. He held onto my Afro so tightly that I would feel the hair being yanked from my scalp. What's terrifying, I found myself doing it to me."

She took more notes before asking another question. "Anything else?"

"The nightmares of him finding me, knowing my every move. I would contemplate going back to sleep when I woke from them."

"How frequent were the nightmares?"

"At first, it was almost every night. Then it happened when I started having feelings for Ricardo then it ceased when I fell in love with him," I finished with a smile.

"Can you remember any details about those nightmares?"

"The looks in his eyes and his voice. I would see those eyes and hear his wrath in my sleep," I answered.

"Have you seen or been in contact with your ex-fiancé recently?"

"Before the grand opening of my business."

"You two exchanged words?"

"We did."

"Were you angry at him?"

"I was."

"Can you tell me what made you upset that day?"

"His face made me upset. I wanted to punch him in it."

"Anything vocally?"

"He said that he missed me, he wanted us to be together again and that he would be a better person. He also told me that I wouldn't fit into Ricardo's world and that Ricardo would always pick his people over me," I summarized.

"And were those words have any effective?"

"They were."

"In what way?"

"I wanted to see if there were any truths to what he said about Ricardo. Ricardo's mom doesn't like me. Frankly, she thinks her son can do better and I'm not worthy of him. When I was the maid, she said some very cruel and racist things towards me. At one point, I almost left but Ricardo stopped me and brought me back. That didn't stop her, but he took up for me and laid down the boundaries when he proposed. My point is, he didn't go to the full extreme on her until she replaced him as CEO. He no longer wants to hear her name, see her face nor did he wanted her at the wedding but when she was being vindictive towards me, she was given chances to redeem herself," I let it all out. I reached for a glass of water to quench my thirst.

"Did you explain it to Ricardo?"

"I did but his response was unsatisfactory. I don't feel like it's me and him against the world anymore. It's me against everyone else."

"I don't think that it is, or it doesn't have to be. Ricardo loves you and I'm thinking that for our next session, he should accompany you."

~
We spoke for several more minutes then I left since that was all the time she had to spare. I didn't booked an appointment. I found her office and walked into it.

~
Smoke drove me home. I walked into the main sitting room area and found Ricardo there on his laptop computer.

"Hi," I greeted.

"Hey," he answered dryly as he typed rapidly.

"What are you doing?" I asked, trying to spark a conversation.

"Nothing much. I'm just going over some documents I had to sign before leaving the company."

"Can we talk?"

"I'm listening."

"I need your attention also, Ricardo." I caught the sigh he gave before closing the laptop and turning in my direction.

"I went to see Dr. Milan today. I got a lot off my chest."

"That's great to hear."

"You came up and she advised that you should accompany me to my next session with her."

"Okay."

"You're fine with it?"

"Yes."

"And that's all you're going to say?"

"What else do you want me to say, Adani?"

"Something. Anything."

"I gave you the attention you needed and I responded to your statement and your question. Can I go back to what I was doing before you walked in here?" he asked with a hint of annoyance.

"Sure. Go back to your documents," I snapped and walked out of the room.

He didn't come to bed that night.

~

At the next session, he did accompany me. Dr. Milan greeted us with handshake and offered us a seat on her couch. She sat across from us.

"How are you both doing?" she asked to start the session.

"We're fine," Ricardo answered.

"Are we?" I questioned. Dr. Milan raised an eyebrow at us.

"I would like to think so," Ricardo answered.

"I would too but we need to fix this," I replied.

"I didn't break anything, Adani."

"I didn't say that you did but we are in a relationship. Aren't we?"

"See, that's your problem.."

"So you admit there's a problem with your fianceé?" Dr. Milan asked.

"Yes."

"What's the problem?" she asked him. He looked at me before answering.

"She's pushing me away before she's missing what she's used to," he answered.

"Is that what you think?" I asked.

"Yes. And I wouldn't be the one to slap you and punch you. That's not the kind of man I am."

"And I don't want you to be that kind of man."

"Is that because you're already doing what he did to you to yourself, huh?"

I was stunned.

"What..."

"My gosh, you're so oblivious that you don't even see yourself. You would slap you if you make a mistake like when you dropped an egg. You would pull your hair if you mess up on something like a recipe you thought you followed to the T. You cry when you're wrong and you talk back to yourself when you think there's no one around. You be having full blown out conversations with yourself aloud," he painted.

"Am I crazy?" I asked. I froze in place.

"Base on what you've explained so far, you're experiencing Generalized Anxiety Disorder. GAD for short. A condition that triggers minor and major traumas and based on what a person experienced, it can cause one to act irrational," Dr. Milan explained.

Ricardo's facial expressions softened then he held my hand.

"I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere, no matter what I'm going to make sure you're okay and we'll get through this. Okay?" he stated.

"Okay."

"I'm happy you've said that because for our next session, I would like it if Mrs. Parriston can join us," Dr. Milan said.

Ricardo's eyes ablaze.