25. Plan of action

The sun shining on my face shot up my headache and woke me up the next morning.

Groaning I covered my head with my comforter, turning on my stomach. When the warm coolness stuck over the naked expanse of my back, I sat up with a jerk.

I was naked.

"What happened last night?", I moaned as I rubbed the sides of my head.

Like the big bang explosion, all the previous night's memories exploded in my brain.

I drank like a bloody sailor.

Decided I should die.

Blackmailed Dev into having cybersex with me.

Got a note and realized I was a whore.

Acted like one.

Stood naked in front of Aarav.

Kissed him.

And threw him out of my room in a childish tantrum.

Oh goodness! How many messes can you get into in one night? This was too much. And now I had to deal with this immense headache and my stomach cramps.

Can't a girl get a break?

I groaned loudly.

Raising my hands, I stretched and yawned as the smooth sensation filled my body. At least something in my body still worked well.

"Oh, wow! Now that's a sight", interrupted a voice from my right.

Eyes wide, I snapped my head to the right and hurried to cover my titties. "What the hell! What are you doing here?", I shouted, holding the comforter over my chest for my dear life.

"Good morning to you too", he cooed, throwing my own words right back at me. "Just thought I'd bring you some medicine and lemon water", he answered as he shook the tall glass and aluminium strips in front of me.

"Oh..um", I opened my mouth and closed, and opened and closed again, "thank you, I guess?"

"You are welcome", he smiled, showing his straight white teeth and passed it to me.

"Can you keep it there?", I pointed to my table, as my hands clenched around the comforter, trying to protect whatever was left of my modesty.

"Fine", he grinned and winked, seeming a little too happy for my liking. If not for my naked state, I would have punched him in the gut. I don't have my punching bag here, so that would be a great relief.

"Bye", he sang- he sang – and jumped out of the door.

Staring at the door in a half-post-traumatic-state later, I reached my table and swallowed a tablet with lemon water.

I took a quick look at my bed and everything made sense.

Of course, I had been stupid, impulsive, emotional, reckless, and everything shitty; I was nearing my periods. This was the reason. This. I knew I wasn't a dumb ass bitch.

I screamed in delight but stopped and rushed into the bathroom a moment later. Periods can be a total bitch in the vagina. Not cool, at all.

90 minutes of freshening up and bawling my eyes out later, I rolled my shoulders to finally correct all the mistakes I did last night.

I took out a book and a pen and started listing down all the things that I did. Then I switched on my inner hyping bad bitch and started writing explanations for why that wasn't right.

1. I drank like a bloody sailor –

First things first, you are not a sailor and even if you want to be, you must first learn how to drive a boat before drinking like them. Next, you know the bad effects of drinking too much alcohol. Dev was hospitalized just a day ago. And after the amount of effort you put into eating healthy and working out, you cannot sabotage all of it for a few minutes of feeling nothing. Girl, please. That body ain't gonna make itself.

2. Decided I should die.

Did you forget who you are? You are Riya Pathan/Singhaniya and she does not give up. Even if everybody in this world hated you, which they don't, you would still not give up. A badass bitch simply does not. So the next time this thought ever crosses your head, punch yourself in the gut. Multiply that with 10,000 and that is how you will feel when you die. So boss up and live.

3. Blackmailed Dev into having cybersex with me.

Not gonna lie, this was a real dickass but a bold move nonetheless. And yes, you were sad and not feeling yourself, or whatever, it still does not give you the right to abuse someone else's love for you. You cannot blackmail people, especially the ones that you love. So woman up, baby, and apologize to Dev. That's your redemption. And for the next time when you are too emotional or too horny to think straight, go buy a vibrator. Stop being a prude.

4. Got a note and realized I was a whore.

And this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. You, a whore? Well, yes, I will call you a whore, simply because I love you. But nobody else, not even you, has the right to call you that – in a demeaning way at that. And what about all your feminist principles? Degrading woman for their expression of sexuality is not the way. Did you forget all of that just because a dumb old dude suggested you are a whore? Please. Grow another pair of boobs if you want, but stop being ridiculous.

5. Acted like one.

And there you go, making even more ridiculous comments. What exactly did you do, sweetie? Let a man wrap you in a comforter and dry your hair? Please, if anything, you should be paying him. That's a task he did, not you. And again, remember your feminist principles or I'm going to abort you.

6. Stood naked in front of Aarav.

Not a minute. Not even a whole minute. But then, the problem wasn't that you did it, was it? The problem was why you did it. You wanted him to get his pay's worth. But you have to understand that you aren't an object. You cannot be paid or bought for, and whatever is happening behind the scenes, dig it out. Find why exactly you had to marry him. And let the ones who are responsible know that payback is a right pain in the ass. I believe in you.

7. Kissed him.

That really was shitty. I'm sorry. You just orgasmed with Dev, after blackmailing him might I add, and then you go and kiss another man. And on the same bed, gross. I didn't raise you to be a disloyal ass, go tell Dev, apologize, beg, whatever you need to do to let him know that you still love him.

And figure out exactly why you felt the need to kiss another guy. You have never felt like this before.

8. And threw him out of my room in a childish tantrum.

My little baby, you gotta apologize to Aarav for this. You initiated the kiss, and you were the one who had orgasmed from another man just before, not him. He did nothing wrong. He didn't deserve the treatment you gave him.

And before your boring little ass switches me off, let me tell you, whatever happened, you are not inherently bad. You are going through a lot. Too many things all at once. So, it's understandable.

But don't keep pushing your feelings for later. Listen to them, answer them, be an adult.

Ignoring won't help.

Muah!

See you again, hopefully, a little more badass than today.

Cracking my neck, I stretched and got down to business. With a deep breath, that I felt right down to my groin, I picked up my phone and called Dev.

"Hello Darling", came his soft, husky voice and I instantly felt a pit in my stomach. He sounded so happy.

"Hey", I replied, faking cheer in my voice.

He didn't answer, and I worried my lip between my teeth. Please, Lord, let me have this, I begged.

"You okay? You don't sound so good", he asked and I groaned internally. Prayers never worked. I don't know why I even bothered anymore.

"No, no, I am not", I replied, relying on truth for once. My bad bitch persona's confidence and conscience was still strong and that would help me communicate better.

"What happened?", he asked, his deep voice soft in worry.

"I owe you an apology. I did something stupid. Something very very stupid", I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, readying myself for the news I was about to deliver, "First of all, I'm so sorry for blackmailing you and almost sexually assaulting you. I shouldn't have done that. While I don't regret what happened after, I hate that I put you in a position where you had to do this. I reduced you into an object for my sexual pleasure and I am extremely sorry for it"

"Hey, hey, it's alright. You were emotional and I took advantage of...", he tipped in.

"Shh... Don't lie", I cut in, "It wasn't your fault. It was all mine and I am sorry, I really am"

"I know, darling, I know. I am too. I shouldn't..."

"Don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong", I sniffed, "I am sorry. I really am."

"Hush, darling", he cooed and I interrupted him with a small 'no'

Taking another deep breath, I said, "IkissedAaravandhesawmenaked"

"What?", he chuckled, his voice curious and nervous.

"IkissedAaravandgesawmenaked", I repeated, finishing it as fast as I could.

"You'll have to slow down, my love", he chuckled and a tearless sob escaped my body. He was so sweet, and look at the mess I am. I had betrayed him.

"I...I... kissed Aarav and he also saw me naked", I finished and exhaled loudly.

"Wh..hat?", he stuttered and my heart thumped against my chest painfully.

"I am sorry. I am so so sorry. I was drunk and emotional and I had just received another..", I started rambling when he cut me off with a soft, "It's alright"

His voice held a harsh sign-off as if he had already kicked me out of his life and this hurt more than if he had screamed at me.

"No, it's not. I am sorry. I love you, I always have, I always will. I was drunk and couldn't think straight and..."

He interrupted me with a sharp sound, "It's alright, Riya. He is your husband; it was going to happen sooner or later. I am sorry, I shouldn't have taken liberties on somebody else's wife"

"No", I cried, "No, no, no, please don't say that. I am sorry. I am so so sorry. Be mad at me, shout at me, do whatever, but please don't give up on me. On us. Please"

"What else am I supposed to do, Riya? You are married and.."

"Please", I begged, "Please don't say it. I am sorry, I am so so sorry. I made a huge mistake but I love you, so much. Don't give up on me"

He laughed, a cruel sound reverberating from his throat, "Are you kidding? I am not the one who gave up on you; you gave up on me"

I inhaled sharply, his words – as honest as they were- they were piercing my heart, I sobbed "I am sorry"

"You are sorry", he laughed, "that doesn't change anything. You kissed someone else, you stood naked in front of someone else, just hours after you cried out my name in ecstasy. Do you know how that makes me feel? Do you know how it feels to know that the love of your life doesn't care enough to even fight for you? Do you have any idea how it feels to know that the girl you love kissed somebody else and you don't even have the right to claim hurt, because the one she kissed is her husband? Do you have any idea how it is to feel like a used sexual object, and by someone you love?", his voice turned painful by the end of his sentence and it gripped me with unbearable pain.

"I'm sorry, Riya. I can't... I can't do this.", he exhaled, "It hurts and it feels toxic. I can't be your dirty little secret. As much as I love you, I have my integrity and I can't be the second choice of someone who has always been my first choice. I love you, Riya, but I have to bid you goodbye. I hope you have a great future with your Aarav", he spat the last word in disdain and I cried over the phone. My breathing too loud to allow me to hear anything else.

"Dev", I pleaded, unable to put into words what I wanted to say.

"Bye, Riya"

"No wait!", I cried into the phone, trying to think of something, anything that I could tell him. I couldn't lose him. Not again.

"You are not... you are not my dirty little secret, Dev. You know that. You are so much more."

"Do I? I don't seem to remember. What am I, Riya, if not your dirty secret? An ex? An old fling? Your friend? No one?"

"You... You are my soulmate. You are the love of my life. You are my everything"

"You have a funny way of showing it"

I inhaled sharply. He was right. Of course, he was.

I had treated him worse than dirt when he meant so much to me. Busy in my head, I hadn't considered what I had been putting him through. I had been selfish, self-absorbed in my own misery, but now that I had a clearer head and everything wasn't so overwhelming, I could try to undo the damage I had done. I would beg for his forgiveness, do anything he asked, find the secret, and then divorce. Dev and I could stay happy together.

With conviction in my voice, I said, "I know I have been crap to you, I know I haven't treated you right, I know I gave up on us very soon, but I won't do that again. I will fight for us. Please.. just give me a chance. Forgive me."

"There's nothing to do now, Riya", he droned in a tired, hopeless voice.

"There is. There is", I replied with an extra-hopeful cheer in mine, trying to erase his hopeless feeling away.

"What is it?", he asked, interested but not even a bit convinced that whatever I had to say would make sense, or perhaps he just didn't trust me to go through with it. I couldn't blame him for that.

I shared my plan, the one that I had formulated deep in my sleep. In excruciating detail, I told him how exactly I planned to find what was happening and figure out how to get out of it, after which we could be together, forever.

He wasn't convinced, as I knew he wouldn't, but my incessant pleading had him agreeing and we were on board with this plan. He didn't have to do anything, but it would feel like cheating if he didn't know of it.

After so long, I finally felt like I could breathe. My head wasn't full of questions and confusions, it had a plan; it had something to do and I felt a little like myself again.

The marriage and whatever mess it brought was wrong and I hated it.

I hated that this happened to him.

I hated that this was my fault.

I hated that I hadn't listened to my mother. But I could change all of it.

She had told me I could have Dev in my life if I wanted, but my conscience had refused. I wanted to conform to the notions of a normal wife in a normal marriage, but my marriage was anything but that. It wasn't normal, and I didn't have to pretend it was.

I could and would be my own person and spend time with the man I loved. No more waiting and begging the universe, I would do it myself.

I would find all the secrets, solve all the problems and be free again.

Free to love.

Free to marry.

Free to be his again.