Chapter 41

On the morning we left Starling Castle, I only had two hours of sleep. We met Gideon and Leo on horseback while we were half a day’s ride from the castle. Xander had been right about us meeting them on our way out. Gideon seemed anxious at seeing us that early in the morning, but when Diana and Xander explained what had happened, Gideon had also fallen in a sour mood.

I had been happy to see little Leo again. He sat in between Gideon’s legs, holding the horse’s mane. His eyes lit up at the sight of me, and I pressed my horse closer to Gideon’s, gesturing Leo to come and sit on my horse for a bit. I did not know if they had used the forest path to leave the city of Maple, but I knew their horse must have been tired of holding up all that extra weight. They had even brought back a tiny chest with some of my nicer clothes. I thought it was a friendly gesture on Gideon’s part, but it was pointless since riding on horseback with a gown was tough. I preferred keeping the men’s clothing I had on.

The road had been difficult to travel since the snow had melted, and it covered everything in dirt and mud, making our progress slow. The hooves of all our horses made sucking noises that my ears hated. We had needed to make frequent pit stops to remove the muck under their hooves to ensure that they would not hurt themselves while on our journey.

When we had been a week away from Perch, I tried to muster up the courage of telling Xander the truth. Every time I came close to saying those dreadful words, they caught in the back of my throat and left me choking; my saliva was not watering my mouth, and my tongue seemed thick, dry, and awkward. I also didn’t know how Xander would react, which worried me even more.

Xander must have felt how miserable I had been because he tried to say things or show me something that would brighten my mood. This only made me feel more guilty, and that remorse was eating me up from the inside.

We had been lucky that the nice weather had held up. It made our nights in the forest comfortable, wet, but at least comfy. We took turns taking the night watch, except for the night where it had been a full moon. None of us slept because poor Leo transitioned into a wolf and couldn’t change back until his wolf had had enough. I had huddled close to Diana and the fire, shivering out of fear that the small boy would hurt us or hurt himself during the night. Gideon and Xander shifted in wolf and Lycan form and had taken him deep into the forest, where they could keep a better eye on him and would prevent Leo from finding and attacking us.

I realized shifters could somewhat control their animal counterpart, but it took years of self-control and practice to achieve this. It wasn’t the same as Lycans, who had almost total control over themselves. Since Leo had only started to shift, his dominance over his wolf was not strong enough to do that, which made him dangerous and unpredictable. I understood why Xander had put the boy in the closed-off room of his floor back in High Hill Estate.

We had passed through the red mountains, and my nerves tensed. The next village ahead was Waxwing village. It was the town where I had been abducted by the slavers ten years prior. Gideon kept shooting me worried looks. The more we came closer, the paler I got. He must have known what was going through my head.

“There’s a little inn in town that I know the owner,” Gideon mentioned to the group. “He will offer us food and shelter before we continue to Cardinal city.”

When we arrived there, the city did not resemble what my mind was making me recall. Gideon had mentioned that Osprey’s army had invaded the town, searching for deserters and supporters. I didn’t witness the attack since they took me away before any of that happened, but he had said they had sacked and burned the town to the ground after the slavers gathered all those fit enough to sell.

The buildings that had been erected over the years were completely new. I didn’t see a single structure I remembered. The only thing that looked similar was the roads and where they used to lead. We took a couple of turns before arriving in front of a well-established inn. They must have had a lot of visitors since the horse stalls were almost entirely occupied.

I eyed Xander and wondered if he would reconsider Gideon’s offer of staying there for the night. It looked like a complete house there, and we hoped to rest somewhere more anonymously. We didn’t want people blabbering about outlanders. Our party stuck out like a sore thumb. We were dirty and famished, and most of the patrons from the inn seemed like wealthy countrymen. Waxwing didn’t look like a worker’s village anymore, it seemed more like a socialite hub; people were rich enough to live on the outskirts of Cardinal city, but not sufficiently to make it into the fortress.

“I’ll find a stable boy to tend to our horses,” called Xander while dismounting his horse. “Gideon, you go in and make sure there’s a place for us to stay, preferably somewhere quiet with less prying eyes.”

Gideon tipped his head and headed towards the back door of the establishment. I helped Leo off my horse and swung my leg over the saddle, sliding along the beast’s side and landing on my feet. I pulled the reins over my gelding’s head and guided it near the stalls. It was nice to stretch out my legs. We had been riding for almost a month. The saddle had chaffed my inner thighs, and my back hurt. I was pretty sure that my butt would be black and blue from the bruises I most likely sported. A nice warm bed and hot food would be more than welcome.

While we waited, I took my time looking around the unfamiliar town. It had been a farming village back when my father sat on the throne. Waxwing had one of the most fertile soils in the country, aside from White Birch plain. The area that used to house all the workers was small, but the town limits went far in the distance, where acres of plowed land used to grow a mixed variety of vegetables and fruits and keep livestock. Those fields had since then been taken over by weeds and grass. Some parts even seemed to have turned to sand-like topsoil.

“This place has changed since I have last been here. It has a nice outside, but the inside looks rotten.” I commented in a low voice to no one in particular.
It used to be so full of life, I thought.

“A lot has changed since Osprey came to power. That’s what fear does to people. Most of the humans we’ll find in this town are loyal to him. They are pretenders and think that no one should be above them. They are a dangerous sort.” Said Xander.

I pressed my forehead on my horse’s snout and sighed. The wind had picked up, and the inn’s front sign banged against something, making me look up at it. I choked on a sob when I saw the name on the big painted sign. This inn was called ‘The hanged bird,’ and painted in the middle was a cardinal bird with a crown hanging at the bottom of a hangman’s noose. I spun around and gritted my teeth. I pulled my hood over my hair and tried to hide my face while tears streamed down in hot lines across my cheeks.

Xander came over and took me in a warm embrace. I hid my face over his chest and bawled my eyes out.

“You didn’t know how they died, did you?” He whispered over my hood.

“I-I knew they were executed, but I didn’t know-how. Were they hanged?”

I couldn’t imagine my father and mother hanging from a rope in front of thousands of spectators. My father had been a tall, muscular man, much like Xander was. I imagined the rope would have snapped from his weight. As for my mother, she was so delicate and graceful. I refused to picture her swaying as the floor gave way and the rope became taut. I shook my head, chasing those horrible pictures from my mind.

“They were, as were many others that day. They were the last ones to be hanged.”

I didn’t know if that made me feel worse. My parents had to see their subjects succumb to the hangman. Osprey had let them see all the ones getting hanged before their turn came. That must have been excruciating for them.

“Do you know where they are? Their bodies, I mean. I’d like to pay my respects once we arrive in the city.”

Xander pulled my head up by placing his fingers under my chin. His eyes were misty, and I wondered if it was because of my feelings passing through him or if he genuinely was sad.

“You’ll see them once we arrive… they still displayed the remains over the city gates the last time I came here. Osprey uses them to serve as a reminder to those still loyal to the Cardinal bloodline. I’m so sorry, Ida.”

My parents hadn’t had a proper burial. Worst of all, they were used as trophies to keep the citizens in line. My heart ached for them, for all of them who lost their lives that day and continued to die by the Usurper’s orders. I hadn’t wanted to become queen, but the people deserved better. This world deserved someone benevolent. If I needed to take the throne to ensure this, I would! And I would need all the help I could get, starting with understanding what the heck I was.

Gideon returned just as a stable boy took our horses to their stalls. Xander gave the boy a small coin bag and instructed him to pat them down and ensure they had enough water, hay, and oats.

“I could secure four rooms, and the owner has a small personal room where we can eat and keep low while we stay here. If we go through the back, we won’t encounter any clients. Just be sure not to wander alone, ladies. Some pleasure girls frequent this place. Wouldn’t want one of you to be mistaken for one of them.”

I thought of Silas and how he had forced himself on me and shivered. Xander stood closer to me and draped his arm over my shoulders.

“Let’s go in. I think we have been outside long enough. I’ll have a bath drawn for you. You’re pale, and you seem cold.”

I forced a slight smile on my lips and hid under my cloak as we entered. I didn’t want anyone seeing me or my red hair. We passed through the kitchen and took the back stairs to the second and third floors. Once in our room, I waited until an inn worker brought up a large tub, and a middle-aged woman with pails of hot water followed him. When they left, I undressed and stepped in. I sank until only my head and the tips of my knees were out of the water. I closed my eyes and pressed my back on the high wall of the tub. I tried to let go of my worries, just for a moment. I was aiming for peace of mind.

Xander sat on the side and twirled his fingers over my skin.

“Are you ready to tell me what has really been bothering you? I think I’ve been patient this past month, and I waited for you to bring it up. But seeing you worry to where it’s making me feel awful, I think it’s time for you to open up to me about it.”

Well, that quickly ended the peaceful bubble I had tried to create. I sat up and shifted my head, so we were both at eye level.

“Are you certain you want the burden of what I will tell you?”

“You’re my mate, of course, I want it! Even more so if it lessens yours. I love you; I don’t want you to ever feel this way.”

I pressed my hand to his cheek, sliding my thumb over his cheekbone. His stubbles were prickly, but I thought it made him look even more handsome.

“I’m scared, Xander. I don't know what I am. When that… thing took hold of me, I couldn’t control myself. I felt like a puppet whose strings were being pulled by someone else. I kept screaming at myself to stop, but I was being pulled apart. I have this slumbering power that I do not know how to control. What if it retakes hold of me, and I hurt you or someone else I care about? I think something triggered it as a mechanism to protect me.”

“Seems a little over the top for just a measly kiss. Don’t get me wrong, that bastard Starling shouldn’t have even tried to do that, and he was lucky I possess some self-control, or else I would have killed him.”

“It wasn’t just a kiss,” I whispered, then cleared my throat. “I didn’t tell you or Diana the whole truth.”

There it was. There was no turning back now.

“Silas raped me, Xander. He took the small seconds of me being disoriented by my broken nose to force himself on me. He wanted to make me his. That’s when something inside me snapped, and I killed Silas. He was lucky that people came to rescue him, or he would have stayed dead. I sometimes wish he were dead for what he did to me.”

Xander’s eyes glazed over black. I could no longer see his whites.

His face twisted in a hurtful frown. “And you waited until now to tell me this?” Xander roared. His voice seemed no longer his own as if mixed with another, maybe his Lycan’s.

I took his face in both my hands.

“I knew you would act rashly, and you would have had every right to, but it would have been a death sentence for you. They already disapproved of us. They would have used your actions to further their point. I can’t lose you! I need you with me, always.” I choked a bit on that last part. “When I felt you die, it almost appeared I was dying with you. I never want to feel that way again.”

His swirling black eyes settled a little, and the waves of anger that came off Xander receded slowly. He hadn’t thought of it that way. A rebellion leader had already tried to kill him. Someone else could try again and succeed.

“I understand why you did it, but promise me you will never hide something like this again from me. And I’ll make you a promise. Next time I see that bastard, rebel leader or not, I will make sure Starling pays.”