Chapter 109: Recalibrating

Loiza's POV

I have been sitting in the dark for hours, I hadn't visited The Catacombs since early October, my emotions are back to the being numb just with a slight pinch of doubt.

When I turned 18 and I waited with Víctor hugging each other naked having had as much fun with each other as my age and status allowed, Víctor was very respectful of that... at least. But when I turned 18 and it didn't happen it was goodbye for me PERIOD. He still wanted to be chosen mates, but for me that would be very taboo, I was a just turned 18 year old Priestess! I was focused on what the Goddess had for me, if it wasn't Víctor, then that's it. I would have to be in my 40s like Yaya, to even consider something like that, still I told him I wanted to go ahead and do it anyway! He's the one that got all prissy about it after. Just because he didn't turn out to be my mate it didn't mean that I wasn't in love with him anymore! I wanted for him to be my first, but for Goddess sake he was so angry. Then we got to Honduras I thought we could talk somethings over and we were really ok for a bit.

It was just US like we had in the diplomatic missions in the past. These were usually just a few days, but it was just us alone, like before, the only difference was I wasn't dating Casimar anymore and we knew I wasn't his mate.

Back then Víctor and I got to know each other very, very well. Sometimes I look back and feel so fucking ashamed. I almost had sex with Víctor, I was in love with him yet still wanting Casimar. What the hell was I thinking?

'That we were young and wanted to know what having fun was.' Aryn reminds me. I guess she has a right to chime in here, she was against it yet she knew how lonely I felt and she knew it brought me comfort and strange feelings of looking for someone.

'I guess I did.' I answer back.

'What Víctor told you left you thinking?' She used to like playing with Kumo, his wolf. Our relationship has become so strained since putting up the Block... I miss her.

How can he compare what happened with us with what is happening with Kayden?! It's not my fault he wasn't my mate! I wanted him to be, I was dating Casimar, he treated me like if I was precious thing, he really loved me and to a point, so did I. But Víctor... He loved that I could handle myself, he was never afraid of me and sometimes he would get really turned on after I had used my abilities to get the results we needed. I loved that he loved it when I was myself. And even in other missions with others in a team, he would get in every night in my room (when we had rooms) for some... Fun. I still remember the first time he touched me there, it was the first time I agreed to make out naked, we were kissing and he gently opened my legs. I got a little nervous, but he never misses anything, he whispered in my ear that he would not dishonor me before I was 18, but made no promises for after. He gently caressed my inner thighs and then I felt his fingers playing with it and I loved it! He stopped kissing me and looked straight at my face. And we were looking at each other's eyes.

"What do you want me to do to you now little one." He knew I loved what he was doing to me, he could see it on my face.

"I -I don't know." I just answered totally embarrassed and blushing lowering my gaze. And he stopped.

"Why did you stop?" I asked while looking at him again, I felt like I had said something wrong. Yet the moment I looked at him he continued while smiling.

"Don't take your gaze from mine beautiful, being able to see the reactions of your face will help me know what you like." While saying this he stroked my opening making me close my eyes and give a little gasp and I looked into his eyes again.

"Just like that little one, tonight I will find out how you like to be touched." His words and his touch were putting me in a spell. He touched me everywhere that night and I touched him. Every time we would do different things, I was like a puppet in his hands and I saw I had power over him, too. I would take him with both my hands and then with my mouth, I had tasted him and he said he was mine to do as I pleased.

Those nights in Honduras we WORKED on what we came to do and it was ok, the second night he got into my room and in my bed. He started caressing me like before. But almost a year had passed and I still felt humiliated by him rejecting to make love when I asked him. I didn't know how I felt about it then, I wanted to just be friends like I thought worked out with Casimar... But this was Víctor and he KNEW what would turn me into putty in his hands, before I knew it he was starting to enter me, and I stopped it. I wanted to continue, but I felt that I was close to finding my mate and I decided I rather give myself to him. He was furious, not that he would attack me or force himself, not that he could if he wanted to.

I was trying to reason with him, I told him that I still loved him and he told me I was just a cold bitch... There were more insults, yet he still wanted another kiss, another touch, I wasn't in the mood anymore and I right kicked him to the balls and out my room, after him threatening me, we never talked again, we became total strangers.

We had a private conversation this morning in my office:

"Izz, we need to talk." Great.

"So you're back to calling me Izz? What do you want Beta?" Whatever.

"Seriously? Is that how you want it? I'm going to say something and your going to listen to me. I want to apologize for what happened last time. You had said that you loved me, you wanted to give yourself to me... I loved you, I never told you... I wanted to KILL Casimar everytime I knew you were with him giving him what little I knew you gave him! I didn't want to share you with anyone, but you were in that age. I was 24 and hadn't found my mate, I had very little faith that I would get one, I had heard how others who were mated described it as and it sounded so close to what I felt for you... I was so sure that the minute that you turned 18 you were mine and I would claim you then and there." I lowered my eyes thinking about my own mating and how wonderful it felt to be in Kayden's arms, how I loved everything we did and how it crumbled into nothing...

"You were right and I was so wrong to treat you like that. I KNEW where your heart was and I couldn't even say the words, I had the childish notion that you would turn 18 and get every single one of my emotions and that would be my confession." I just let go of everything I'm holding in and start crying like an Idiot. He stands up and grabs my hand to pull me up and hugs me just letting me cry.

"Something MUST be REALLY wrong with me Vic, I SUCK at even the most basic thing as having a mate! For Goddess sake even you who was so upset about it, you found yours and are fine!" He chuckled and hugged me tighter.

"It's not funny Vic! I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me! You guys were right to give Kayden the ring back, that was very cruel of me! It was going well!" He hushed me.

"Stop that! Your first though was of your pups. You were afraid of what he would do with that information in that moment." I have no idea what I'm feeling.

"He said the same thing you said, am I really a cold bitch?" I felt him sigh.

"When I said it I was angry... give me a break Izz, yeah I had other women, we agreed to be honest with each other about it and you were honest about those little kisses with Yadiel and Bruno. I think of the women I was having fun with, you were the only one who knew there were others, but truthfully... I was REALLY in a hurry for YOU to turn 18 and be able to kick the others to the curve and you kick yours. They all still took it badly when I said I was going to be away for a long time. Then I saw Casimar leaving too, and feeling bad for him." We sat holding each other for the first time in a while. I was kind of liking feeling that it was possible to be friends with someone who knows another side of me.

"YOU felt bad for Casi? I totally call bullshit on that!" I chuckle.

"How could I not?! YOU guys were official! The whole tribe knew that his father had spoken to your father so that BOTH families help with the offerings for the match to be Blessed by a mating! And I had my finger literally eating the honey for myself directly from the pot! If he would have tasted that honey he would have felt WORSE! So yeah, I felt bad for the guy!" We actually laugh at that! Yet it definitely makes me blush deep.

"Will you shut up! At least LINK that shit! Dude, Casimar isn't mated yet! You KNOW how gossip works here!" I slap the back of his head and go to the door to check.

"Can you imagine if that got out?" He says smiling reclining on my couch and I close the door lifting the sound barrier. But it's too funny and it reminds me of the old him and I feel more comfortable with him.

"By the Goddesses my Dad would've killed me!" I answer. And he laughed at that.

"Girl, between Nina and you alone everyone felt bad for poor Beta Ayato. Man, you two were brutal but you got out a ton of shit because of your title! That always amazed me about you, you really didn't give a shit if you used your status or not to get out of trouble! You definitely worked it and the system always to your advantage it was pretty hot! I would sometimes watch the reports and see the shit you would do and suddenly I felt I hadn't been to the Temple in a while!" It felt like GOOD old times, like closure.

"Well you STILL got a Priestess you cheeky asshole and she's adorable so don't think for a moment I will hide BS for you." And he lifted my chin and kissed my forehead.

"No ma'am! I want to thank you for letting Magdalena be Guardian of the gardens. You made my mate very happy Izz. Why did you make me your Beta?" I was afraid he would ask. I've always thought that Víctor analyzed numbers better than anyone including my brother, including my Dad. We would be in a mission and he would run the numbers and I would be in my brain like 'Yup! that sounds absolutely right!' he was naturally arrogant and that was off putting to a lot of people, I found it sexy as hell! Yet sexy or not, Víctor IS a very gifted Beta and I KNOW he knows what he's doing.

"You know why dill hole! Don't make me say it." The memories of how he caught my attention the first time when I was 16 distract me... We had to camp that night, I was by the stream playing with the water. It was only my second mission so I didn't really know anyone and the scent of a water lily hit me, he was crouching next to me. He lowered the hood of my cloak, which he is NEVER supposed to do, stroked my lips with his thumb and put the flower in my hair and left. It was hard not to think about him after that.

"DAMN! Was I that good?" As if!

"Yeah Víctor, you were so good at eating pussy that It made me think you would be a good Beta!" And gives me a triumphant smile.

"I knew that skill would serve well in the future! Which is part of the reason I'm here... Izz, I'm sorry that your mate roared at you, if you wouldn't have the Block it probably would have broken you, and yeah sweetheart your mating experience also sucked but seriously how are we factoring blame? How do we get to a step were you can be happy? C'mon, WE still hadn't talked about our own shit and seeing you like this is painful, as pissed as I was about everything you still were in my heart. Yeah, I was an asshole to you but I still remember how much love you give and I'm not just talking about physically, you made me feel loved so much so that I still wanted you in Honduras and I wasn't even your mate! As your Beta I recommend that you verify more on this Block and consider that you may not need it, Kayden doesn't have one and seems to be managing.

"I didn't see you when it went up first, but if this was just a recalibration and I'm feeling this amount of depression from you it's probably not good for you, I don't doubt that it was placed with the best intentions, but how much do you trust the magic of Morgaine Le Fay? I don't like the HOURS of emptiness I'm still getting on your end Izz. As a friend, and I hope we can be that, I am recommending allowing him to at least start coming back at night to care for you again. I already talked about this with Bayo, I felt happiness from you when he was here and it did you a lot of good." I placed my head on his huge arm lying next to him and he put that arm around me and letting my head lay on his chest.

"Izz, I KNOW that you have had bad depression for a YEARS, you've always been very good at hiding it, you've been getting hit left and right, shit you still have those silent spells of yours. I told you back then to get therapy. Since I've been back I have seen you have to deal with this MASSIVE duty with the strength and knowledge I know you have for it, but you're going to have to deal with your depression." And here I am in the darkest place I know of trying to figure out what the fuck to do. We received information on seven packs asking for sanctuary and Morgana was contacted by a coven of witches wishing to meet for terms. Kayden roared at me a few times making the Block very strong, even if I allow him to come for a few more nights it will be stale and emotionless yet what he did helped me and I want to be able to breastfeed the pups for a longer time. As of now I will be able to for at least a few months... I know he had a daeva inside, I had heard how devastating it was when a mate roars at you, how some break and never recover emotionally... The numbness of the Block is helping me, but by the Goddesses I still feel as if my heart was ripped apart.

Do I want Kayden near me right now? No. I actually still feel somewhat afraid of him... If I want to give my pups what they need, I will have to suck it up and allow him to come back for a few more nights. I already feel the Block making me more numb thinking about him, if it holds as it is I would accept his assistance.