15- Why Am I loved by him?

Why am I loved by him? Will he continue to love me? His love is for something I am not. I am not beautiful enough, I am not good, I am not good for him, he should not love me, I do not deserve it, shameshameshame for not being beautiful enough, there are other women so much more beautiful, with radiant faces and clear eyes. Alan says my eyes are beautiful, but I cannot see them, to me they are lying eyes, my mouth lies, only a few hours ago it was kissed by another… He is kissing themouth kissed by another, he is kissing eyes which adored another…shame…shame…shame…the lies, the lies… Theclothes he is hanging up for me with such care were caressed and crushed by another, the other was so impatient he crushed and tore at my dress. I had no time to undress. It is this dress he is hanging up lovingly… Can I forget yesterday, forget the vertigo, this wildness, can I come home and stay home?Sometimes I cannot bear the quick changes of scene, the quick transitions, I cannot make the changes smoothly, from one relationship to another. Some parts of me tear of like a fragment, fly here and there. I lose vital parts of myself, some part of me stays in that hotel room, a part of me is walkingaway from this place of haven, a part of me is following another as he walks down the street alone, or perhaps not alone: someone may take my place at his side while I am here, that will be my punishment, and someone will take my placehere when I leave. I feel guiltyfor leaving each one alone, I feel responsible for their being alone, and I feel guilty twice over, towards both men. Wherever I am, I am in many pieces, not daring to bring them all together, anymore than I would dare to bring the two men together.

Now I am here where I will not be hurt, for a few days at least I will not be hurt in any way, by any word or gesture…but I am not all of me here, only half of me is being sheltered. Well, Brenda. the fairy, you failed as an actress. You rejected the discipline, the routine, the monotony, the repetitions, any sustained ef ort, and now you have a role which must be changed every day, to protect one human being from sorrow. Wash your lying eyes and lying face, wear the clothes which stayed in the house, which are his, baptized by his hands, play the role of a whole woman, at least you have always wished to bethat, it is not altogether a lie… Alan never understood her eagerness to take a bath, her immediateneed to change herclothes, to wash offthe old make up. The pain of dislocation and division abated, the shame dissolved as Brenda. the fairy passed into Alan’s mood ofcontentment. At this moment shefeels impelled by aforce outside of herselfto bethe woman he demands, desires, and creates. Whatever he says ofher, about her, she will fulfill. She no longer feels responsibility for what she has been. There isa modification of her face and body, of herattitudesand her voice. She has becomethe womanAlan loves. The feelings which flow through her and which carry her along areof love, protection, devotion. These feelings create a powerful current on which she floats. Because of their strength they haveengulfed all her doubts, as in the case of fanatic devotions to acountry, a science, an art, when all minor crimes are absolved bythe unquestioned value oftheaim. A light like a small diamond facet appeared in her eyes, fixed in a narrower precision on her intent. At other times her pupils were dilated, and did not seem to focus on the present, but now their diamond precision was at work on this laborious weaving of lifegiving, lies, and it gave them a clarity which was even moretransparent than that oftruth. Brenda. the fairy wants to be the woman whomAlan wants her to be. At times Alan is not certain of what he wishes. Then the stormy, tumultuous Brenda. the fairy waits in incredible stillness, alertand watchfulfor signs of his wishesand fantasies. The new self she offered him: created for him, appeared intenselyinnocent, newer than any young girl could have been, because it was like a pure abstraction of a woman, an idealized figure, not born of what she was, but of his wish and hers. She even alteredher rhythm for him, surrendered her heavy restless gestures, her liking for large objects, large rooms, for timelessness, for capriceand sudden actions. Even her hands whichweresturdy, for his sake rested more gently upon objectsaround her. “You always wanted to be an actress, Brenda. the fairy. It makes me happythat you’refulfilling this wish. Itconsoles mefor yourabsences.” For his pleasure she began to reconstruct the events of the last pgweek of her absence: the trip to Provincetown, the behavior of thecast, the problems in the play, directing errors, the reactions of the public, the night when the fuses burnt out, the night when the soundtrack broke down. At the same time she wished she could tell him what had actuallyhappened; she wished she could rest her head upon his shoulder as upon a protective force, a protective understanding not concernedwith possession of her but a complete knowledge of her whichwould include absolution. Wishing he might judge her acts with the same detachmentand wisdomheapplied to others’acts, wishing he might absolve her as he absolved strangers from a knowledge oftheir motivations. Above all she wished for his absolution so that she might sleepdeeply.

She knew what awaited her instead of sleep: an anxious watch in the night. Forafter she had reconstructed the events ofthelast week for Alan’s peace of mind, after he had kissed her withgratitude, and with a hungeraccumulated during herabsence, hefell into a deep sleep in utterabandon and confidencein the night whichhad brought Brenda. the fairy back, while Brenda. the fairy lay awake wonderingwhether among her inventions there might be one which could beexposed later, wondering whether her description of the Provincetown hotelmight be proved false, being based on hearsay. Wondering whether she would remember what she had said about it, and what she had said about the other members of the cast. Wondering if Alan might meet one of the actors in the cast some day and discover Brenda. the fairy had never worked with them at all.