Chapter 39

Twenty-five minutes later, the smell of popcorn permeated out to where I sat on the steps of the porch. Flanagan’s heavy head lay on my bare feet, concealing them beneath his shaggy mane. As I stared at him, I decided he was the most lethargic dog I’d ever seen. The other morning, I’d thought the exhausting heat was the culprit. Now, I knew better.

Wiggling my toes beneath his chin, the corner of my mouth lifted as he only offered a groan. Yep, this dog was one lazy shit.

Ethan came to stand beside me, waving the bag of popped corn, and Flanagan lifted his head, his nose twitching as he sniffed the air. He gave a small swish of his tail when Ethan dropped several pieces in front of him but still barely moved, instead he stretched just far enough he could snag the fluffy kernel with his tongue.

Absently, I watched him, too distracted to pay much attention to his actions. Finally, needing something to do before I wigged out, I reached into the popcorn bag. Pulling several pieces out, I popped them into my mouth. Under any other circumstances, I would have enjoyed the buttery, salty flavor, but tonight—tonight, it tasted like sawdust.

I was still trying to choke down what I had in my mouth when Ethan handed the bag to me. Afterward, stepping off the porch, he shook out a cigarette from a crumpled pack. The flare of his lighter lit his face, before taking several jerky draws on the cigarette, he blew out a stream of smoke, his actions revealing he was as much on edge as I was.

I watched a few more minutes of his agitated smoking. “Where’d Ember go, Ethan?”

Ethan gave a sarcastic laugh. “Back to hell, I hope.” After a few seconds, he shook his head. “I don’t mean that.”

Raising his harm, he raked his fingers through his hair, shrugging, “Honestly? I don’t know and don’t care.”

Rising to my feet, I made my way over until I stood next to him. “I’m sorry Ethan, this whole damn mess is my fault. Please call her and try to work things out, she loves you, and you must feel something for her. If you didn’t, you would have ended your relationship long ago.” Even as the words left my mouth, I fought myself not to reach out and touch him.

Ethan stared at me, before snorting. “No. She doesn’t love me, and I don’t love her. Neither of us have ever loved the other.”

I gazed at him in confusion. “Then why did you get married?”

Ethan shrugged. “It’s…complicated... Let’s just say, I felt I owed her that much.”

Seconds passed, and he continued to rake his fingers through his hair before blowing out another breath. “Fuck, Nicole, I’m so goddamn in love with you, I can’t see straight.”

At last, I heard the words I’d longed to hear from him, yet it was too late—the devastation would be too wide if I didn’t stop this now.

Shaking my head as I fell apart inside, I finally found the opening I needed to end it between us. “That’s too bad, Ethan I don’t feel the same.” I shrugged, “I mean, hell, you’re good in bed, but....” I let the words trail off as I heard the sharp intake of his breath; saw the paling of his features.

His voice came out sounding dead. “It’s late, stay the night. Tomorrow you can work out a place to go if that’s what you want.” Stepping around me, he paused at my silence, his back to me. “Oh, and don’t worry, I won’t touch you if you stay.” With that, and Flanagan trailing behind him, Ethan continued into the house.

The song, “What Have I Done” by Leann Rimes came across my mind, and I felt the first of the tears fall. Everything in me ached, and I felt shattered, broken. Tiny bits of my heart scattered around within my chest, never to be whole, again. I had just destroyed Ethan.

Time passed without my noticing, until finally, a yawn overtaking me, I wiped my tears. Gaining my feet, and with my whole body, achy, weary, and emotionally exhausted, I made my way into the house.

ETHAN

The words Nicole had said to me outside had shredded my heart. I’d wanted nothing more than to fall on my knees and beg her to love me. My pride had prevented it. I’d never told a woman before that I loved her. However, I’d tossed all my insecurities and preconceived notions aside, and had gone for it. Now, I stood beneath the water issuing from the showerhead, lost. Dropping my head, I reached forward, bracing my hands on the shower wall. My guts felt torn apart, and a low, anguished cry escaped my lips. Closing my eyes, I leaned into the spray, praying for strength as moisture filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks.