All or Nothing
I wake up alone.
I blink at the sunlight filtering in through my window and I’m surprised that I fell asleep. When I shift, I feel how sore I am. Not in a bad way. Jake helped me fall asleep last night, and that was what I needed.
The silence settles over me. Though my heart doesn’t feel as frantic as last night, my mind is still a whirlwind. Fuck, I don’t want to think.
I roll out of bed, pulling on an oversized shirt that was lying on my chair and heading downstairs. The faint sound of whispering reaches me before I hit the bottom step.
I frown and slow down, my bare feet making almost no sound against the wood. When I peek around the corner, I see Jake, Aiden, and Zaid huddled around the kitchen island like they’re plotting something.
They go silent the second they see me.
Zaid has his arms crossed on his chest, far from Jake. I can feel the tension between them, but I refuse to acknowledge the reason behind that.
The air tightens, and I feel it settle in my chest like a stone.
“What’s going on?” I ask slowly, my gaze moving between the three of them. I know that look, the guilt and tension all tangled together.
Jake motions toward the living room. “Let’s sit down for a second.”
Now I’m really nervous. A rock settles in my chest as I follow Jake. I sit down on the couch, hugging my knees. Jake and Aiden sit in front of me while Zaid takes the seat on the other side of the couch.
Jake clears his throat. “Zaid told us what happened last night.”
I freeze. The words make me feel cold. I wrap my arms tighter around myself. The last thing I want is a reminder.
“He did?” I shift.
Aiden stands, sitting beside me. His hand brushes my arm gently, thumb stroking my skin like he’s not sure if I want him to touch me.
“I’m okay,” I whisper, even though I’m not. He keeps his hand on me and I lean into it.
Jake looks at me, serious. “We should think about maybe moving you out of here.”
My heart skips. “What? What do you mean?”
Jake’s voice is calm, but heavy. “To another city. Another state if you want. Somewhere far away.”
My vision blurs. “I don’t want to move.”
He frowns at that and Aiden sighs. “Why not? Things will only get worse if you stay here. The media aren’t letting this go.”
Jake nods, agreeing. “The board is also going after me, demanding my retirement. Everything’s all over the place.”
I turn to Zaid, who is watching me, saying nothing. “You agree with this?”
He gives a stiff nod. “Things like last night can happen again.”
I shake my head, panic curling in my chest. “I don’t want to leave any of you.”
Jake frowns, thrown back as if he’s confused. “We would leave with you, baby. I would have to stay here until things are settled with your mother. And the board.”
Aiden sighs. “And I have to finish school.”
Jake’s gaze shifts to Zaid. “So you and Zaid can go first. Find a house. We’ll join you when we can.”
I look at Zaid sharply. My voice shakes as I turn my eyes back to Jake and Aiden. “Did he tell you he broke up with me?”
Their heads snap toward Zaid. Jake narrows his eyes. “Wait what?”
“You didn’t tell me that,” Aiden says, looking shocked.
Zaid doesn’t flinch. He just rubs a hand down his face and exhales. “Because it doesn’t change anything. I’ll still go with her.”
Aiden scoffs and shakes his head. “This doesn’t make any sense. I thought you two—”
“Yeah,” I cut in, my voice sharp. “Me too.”
I don’t give them a chance to say more. I get up and walk out the back door, needing air, needing space, needing something that doesn’t feel like it’s slipping through my fingers.
The morning air is warm as I collapse into one of the patio chairs, curling my knees to my chest. I bite down on the inside of my cheek, willing myself not to cry. The last thing I want is for any of them to come out here and see me like this.
To see how much it’s tearing me apart.
The door creaks, and it’s Aiden that’s making his way toward me.
He doesn’t say anything at first. He just walks over, sits beside me, and without asking, pulls me gently onto his lap. His arms wrap around my waist.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers into my hair, his lips brushing my forehead.
I let myself fall into the warmth of him.
“I didn’t know he broke up with you,” he murmurs.
I shake my head. “It just happened.”
“Why?” He tightens his arms around me.
I close my eyes, swallowing against the knot in my throat. “Zaid thinks I’m using you all to ignore what’s going on in my life.”
Aiden’s breath slows, and I can feel the way his muscles tense under me.
“We were in the middle of something. He asked me to wait before we…before we got intimate again. He said we needed to talk first. That I needed to deal with things a bit and not bury myself in distractions.”
Aiden doesn’t say anything, but I feel the subtle shift in his breathing. He’s listening hard now, the way he always does when something matters.
“I didn’t want to talk,” I whisper. “I didn’t want to think. I pushed. He pulled back. He said no, and I got upset. I left. And I went to you.”
The silence that follows is so thick it feels like it’s pushing down on my chest.
“I knew what I was doing. I knew it would hurt him. But in that moment, I just didn’t want to feel.”
Aiden exhales slowly, like he’s trying to breathe around something sharp. He shifts me just enough that I can see his face. His eyes are soft, but there’s something wounded in them, too.
When he finally speaks, his voice is low. Careful. “And I let you.”
“No,” I whisper. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You were just being you. You didn’t know.”
“But I didn’t ask why you were upset.” He exhales, the sound rough. “I didn’t stop to think about what you were running from.”
My throat tightens.
“He’s right, isn’t he?” Aiden murmurs. “Zaid. You use it to hide. You use sex to make yourself feel better?”
I swallow the lump and my throat and nod. “I think so, but it’s not just that. I love you, I do.”
Aiden pulls me in closer. “I know you do, but he’s right.”
I grimace. “By breaking up with me?”
He smiles. “He’s in love with you, Alina. He wants you to feel whole. I’m sure being apart from you is tearing him up inside, but there are things more important in life and relationships than sex.”
I scoff. “You’re saying that?”
He smiles sheepishly. “Our relationship is different. With Zaid? If you are choosing him, it’s all or nothing.”
The tears come before I can stop them, fat and hot down my cheeks. “I hate that he’s right. I hate that I keep hurting people just because I don’t want to sit with my pain. Is it so bad that I’m avoiding it?”
Aiden’s fingers thread through my hair. “It’s not bad that you want to avoid it, but ignoring it won’t solve anything.”
I cry harder at that. Because it’s true. Because I know it. Because maybe I’ve known it since the second I left Zaid’s room.
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