Forgive Me

Liza eyed the box kept on her nightstand warily. It was like Pandora’s Box. Liza knew that it would only add to her conflicted feelings and should leave it like that, but she was also having trouble in resisting the temptation to open it. She had always been curious and this box was increasing her inquisitiveness every second. Finally, frustrated of herself, Liza gave into the temptation and opened the box while cursing herself.

She slid open the lid of the box to find a rose colored paper folded and kept on the box in which she kept the letters she wrote to Jonathan but never gave him. Liza was surprised that Jonathan had found the box. She had meant to take the box with her when she had left the house but had somehow managed to forget it. To be honest she had forgotten all about the Letters. She had started writing letters as a way to let out her feelings, those feelings which were next to impossible for her to tell Jonathan in person.

Growing up, Liza never had many friends. She was liked by all but she rarely got close to people. Her only friend had been Alex. After Carter left she became even more withdrawn. It was hard for her to speak about her feelings, so she took to writing letters.
Liza took out the box of letters from the white box and placed it beside her on the bed. Then she unfolded the rose colored paper and started reading it.

‘To Liza,

I am not sure whether you will even open this letter but I hope you do. If you are reading this I want you to know that I Love You. I know I have said it many times and that you stopped believing it a long time back. My words, my love you’s and my sorry's might mean nothing to you by now, but when I say them I mean them. I have meant every single I Love You and every single sorry.

I have realized that I have already lost you to my own mistakes. There is no one to blame, not even Stacey. It was me who broke your trust and the noble thing would be to hang my head in shame of what I have done and let you go. I will keep my head bowed down in shame forever Liza but I don't think that I am capable enough to let you go without at least trying to earn your forgiveness. So, I am begging you to please read this letter till the end.
I am sure that nothing will change after reading this letter, I will still be the cheating fool who lost his reason to live and you will still be the woman whose trust I have broken, but I will like to think that it will at least express how I feel about you and about us. I tried to tell you this in person but I keep messing up whenever I try to say something.

The past two and a half years have been difficult for me. After our marriage, I immediately took over a company and drowned myself in work. I distanced myself from you and I hate myself for not seeing what I was doing then. I thought Stacey was my friend and I failed to recognize the advances she was making, but as much as I want to put whole blame on Stacey, I can't. First it was a drunken Kiss. We had closed a very important deal and Stacey and I were celebrating it. Stacey got drunk and I was also tipsy. She kissed me and I responded back for a moment in my haze but I stopped when I realized what I was doing. I wish I could tell you that I had recognized the potential threat it posed to our relationship and had distanced myself from Stacey but I can't say that.

It was about a month later after the kiss when shit went down. I am not even sure how it went from a drunken kiss to this. We were away for a business trip to Chicago, You and I had gotten into an argument around that time. I had stupidly confided everything to Stacey and had repeated the same mistake I had made a month ago. After then one thing led to another and by the time I came to my senses, I had already committed the sin of betraying you. It wasn't the last time, after the first time it happened again and again, mostly when I was away on business trips.

There is no reason that can justify my betrayal and there is nothing that I can tell you to make you stay but I will like to say while I have a chance that it never meant anything more than sex to me. It was always physical. I felt like I was the lowest scum on earth after doing it and every time I did it, I promised myself to never do it again. But somehow I always ended up back with Stacy. I was lonely and even though you were there I couldn't come to you. I thought that you wouldn't understand.
I regret what I did every single day and I will continue to do so till I take my last breath because my lack of resolve costed me the most precious thing I had. That day when I asked you for divorce, I had seen you at hospital, someone was kissing you on the forehead and you were holding him tight. I was jealous and insecure. Ever since the day I began cheating on you, I was afraid that you will find out about it and leave me. You used tell me that I was perfect for you but I never believed it because I knew that you could do so much better than me.

That day seeing you with that man, confirmed my fears and instead of trusting you I jumped to conclusion. I still don't know who that man was and I don't mind not knowing because I know that you can never do something like that.

I read the letters you wrote, I shouldn't have but I did. I wish you didn't have to see what you saw in the office and I wasn't stupid enough to cheat on you. I wish I could see what you were going through. I always thought that I would be the one to protect you from all the pain in the world, I never thought that I will be the one to cause the pain. I never wanted to hurt you Liza. I lost sight of what was important to me.

I am probably the unluckiest person in the world. I lost you to something so meaningless. You are like a beacon to me, guiding me through my life. I was lost before I found you. When we had met for the first time you had bruised my ego badly, I had never been rejected by anyone and that is what made me take an interest in you. You were like a breath of fresh air. The more I was around you, the more enamored I became. You were kind, graceful and sassy at the same time. The day we got married was the best day of my life. I had never felt more content, so complete. You are like a missing piece of my soul Liza.

I have always loved you Liza, I loved you when I first asked you out, I loved you when we got married, I even loved you when I messed it all up, I love you now and I will continue to love you forever. I can only ask you for a second chance to redeem myself and earn your trust back. You mean the world to me and I hope that I don't lose you forever. I don't know if I am capable enough to live without you, because without my life is not worth living.
I will be waiting for you in the park where I first tried to propose you. I hope to see you there at 7:00 pm. I love you.

Forever yours,
Jonathan'

Liza kept down the letter with shaking hands, tears were running down her cheeks. She got up and made her way to the balcony. She needed fresh air. All the emotions, all the feelings were making her feel suffocated and for a moment she wished that she was numb like she had been when she was in coma. Liza wrapped her soft pink silk robe that she wore over her nightie closer. The air was cold, making her shiver or maybe it was the coldness that had settled in her heart.
Reading it all again had reawakened the pain she had tried so hard to suppress. To know about Jonathan and Stacy had been one thing, but to hear it from Jonathan was an entirely different experience. She was feeling excruciating pain. It was almost as if she was in physical pain or maybe even worse than that.

Jonathan said that he loved her, but he wouldn't have cheated on her if he had loved her. He wouldn't have doubted her if he had loved her, he would have trusted her. But reading the letter had confused her more. He said that he was sorry, he said that he was guilty, he said that he was disgusted by himself. He wrote that he didn't care for Stacy, that his relationship was purely physically but Liza didn't know if it made her feel better that he never stopped loving her or worse about the fact that his resolve was weak enough to break at the advances of a woman he didn't even care about.

There was no telling that he wouldn't cheat on her again. If he did it once then he could do it again. It was difficult to think straight when he said things like she was his world and he would love her forever. But then again there was no guarantee about anything. She knew that she still loved Jonathan. It was impossible to stop loving the man she had loved for past 6 years and didn't everyone deserve a second chance? But she didn't know if she could handle another betrayal. It was confusing he, it was driving her nuts. Liza hated not knowing.

Tired from the situation Liza lied down on the bed, pulling the dark purple comforter over her. She lied there watching the beautiful box of letters and the rose colored letter kept on it. She turned away from it, sighed and closed her eyes. Jonathan’s face flashed in her mind and at that moment she knew what to do.