21

When the duo finally got to Jean’s Land Rover LR3, Jean tossed the sensor to Jason as a sign that he should get in the driver's seat. Jason looked over at her and tried to shove it back in her hand.
“I can't drive your car.” He said, a little too desperately.
“Why not? I trust you and its not my Rio. I would never let you drive my Rio.” She said jokingly.
However, Jason shook his head like the sensor was made of fire.
Tired of his hesitation, she unlocked the door and pushed him inside with all the might she could muster up. He just sat there looking rather dazed and scared. After closing the door, she shook her head and walked over to the other side.
She peeled off her newly purchased leather jacket and looked over at her best friend who hadn’t even started the car up yet. She sensed that something was wrong and lightly slapped him on the arm to grab his attention.
“Look, I know its not something I said but I know there’s definitely something wrong with you. So tell me.”
Jason just shook his head and turned the ignition. He gulped and pressed down lightly on the accelerator. They started moving slowly and after some time and a lot of patience from Jean's side, they were moving freely on the road and having a normal conversation.
Jean was in the middle of one of her university stories again;
“… so this guy actually dunks his head in the bowl of hot water searching for…” then she noticed something awfully wrong with Jason. His head kept on moving around in circles and he wasn’t focusing on the road anymore.
“JASON!” she screamed and took over the steering wheel from her side of the car.
Her heart was beating rapidly and she could feel the blood rushing through her veins. She had never felt anything so frightening in her life and the mere thought that she could die at any time scared the hell out of her. She was very uncomfortable with the gear sticking into her ribs but she really didn’t have a choice. Jason was still under some kind of spell and her grip on the steering wheel wasn’t good.
Suddenly, a hand yanked her away and took over the wheel. It took her a few seconds to register that Jason was over whatever spell he was under and they were in the wrong lane in between a cliff and the sea. A trailer was heading their way at a speed that could be considered neck-breaking. After his spell, Jason was still booting and he couldn’t move away from the lane fast enough and ended up swerving to avoid a head-on collision…

Jean woke up with her face buried in an airbag. She slowly looked up and saw paramedics taking Jason away despite the fact that he didn’t look injured. He was just slightly limping and his arm was turned quite the wrong way. Jean didn’t think anything was wrong with her because no part of her body hurt. She didn’t wait for the paramedics to help her up so she got out of the car herself and jogged on the balls of her feet. Nothing seemed wrong with her but the paramedics still took a quick look at her before backing off.
Jean gasped as she examined the accident. Jason had swerved when a car was coming on the other lane and the other car had hit the backside of her LR3 with such force that both cars had concaved badly. The two cars were badly damaged and an angry owner was speaking to the two police officers on the scene with such anger and red ears that he seemed to have blown a gasket.
Jean jogged over to him and stood in front of him with an intimidating stare. She hated the way he spoke to the young men. In her opinion, people should always learn to control their speech no matter how angry they were. He had no right to utter such profanities to the people who weren’t even at fault in the accident.
“I'm the owner of the car, how can I help you?” Jean asked with her signature death glare and cold voice.
The man didn’t seem intimidated or maybe he was just more concerned about his car than his safety.
“Yes, you can help me actually,” he said with a gruff voice and narrowed eyes, “as you can see, my car is now almost in ruins because of your silly mistake and I demand repairs immediately.”
“I take the blame for your car personally but that gives you no right to speak to them that way, does it?”
The man seemed surprised that Jean had spoken to him that way. He probably expected her to cower and beg for forgiveness from him because she couldn’t cover the costs of both her LR3 and his Kia Sportage. Surprising all the spectators, Jean recovered her handbag from the things that were brought out of the wrecked car and wrote a cheque before handing it to the man.
“That’s thirty thousand dollars,” she said matter-of-factly, “get yourself a new car and keep your mouth shut.” She then turned around and left him dumbstruck, staring at the cheque.
Jason felt an agonizing pain in his foot but it was nothing compared to what he felt in his left arm. His joy knew no bounds when Jean hopped into the back of the ambulance with him, followed by their things.
“Hey.” He said, with a lopsided smile to mask his pain.
“Hi,” she replied, “they say I have to follow them to the hospital to take tests since its ‘procedure’ to make sure I'm completely okay. But I feel like I can run a marathon right now.”
Jason laughed but winced when he remembered the sight of the two cars he had seen.
“Listen, Jean, I'm really sorry about your car. If you want me to buy it back, I will-“she stopped him with a raise of her hand.
“Don’t worry about it, Jason. It could happen to anybody.” She pointed out, “Heck, I could have been the one in that driver's seat and the accident could have been worse. One of us could have died or even both of us. Or one of us could have ended up paralyzed or- Okay, I have to stop thinking about this right now.”
There had been an amused glint in Jason’s eye all this time but by the hidden look on his face, Jean knew he wasn’t ready to talk about his brief spell. She just hoped he would be ready sometime soon because her patience could wear out at any time and forcing it wasn’t the right way to go.
At least, she knew nobody could force her secrets out of her, even if it were Lucifer himself, so why exert such force on another person? She turned away and they spent the rest of the ride to the hospital in silence.

With all tests done, Jason and Jean put their things in a cab and headed on to their hotel. In the cab, Jean turned to him. The silence between them had been excruciating.
“isn’t it funny that the first time I actually tried to have fun and do an activity outside my office, my car got smashed and my best friend ended up with a broken arm.”
Jason scoffed.
“You know you don’t have to feel any sort of guilt for this right?”
“Of course I do, Jean. Of course, I do. I can't just have a dizzy spell, end up smashing a car and feel no sort of remorse whatsoever. It's just not practical.”
He never raised his voice at any syllable but Jean could feel the frustration and anger in his words. He really felt bad about it and she hadn’t realized it till now. Her eyes dropped and she turned the other way. Under normal circumstances, she would have squared her shoulders and demanded him never to talk to her that way again, but these circumstances were not normal; Jason had never laced his voice with such fury before and it shook her. It took her a while to register that she was now also mad at him. She was just trying to be a good friend and make him feel better but he had turned on her instead.
She allowed her face to settle into an epitome of rage and crossed her arms in a silent bid to let Jason know that the battle was on.

Back at the hotel, Jean didn’t say a word to him and stormed off to her room boiling with fury. Jason let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding and rubbed his uninjured palm on his face. It had been so hard, feigning anger at Jean. He had been the one mad and now, she was worse. Truth was, he had to admit that he wasn’t really angry at Jean. No, he was angry at himself. He was raging mad at himself for acting up and smashing her car. He had exerted his anger on Jean in the mildest way possible and unknowingly, his every word seethed with indescribable loathing.
He let out another deep breath and looked out of the glass wall into the starry night sky. It was so beautiful up in the Hawaiian sky, the stars collected together, almost kissing and the deep blue sky accented their radiant shine. The moon was full and so clear, he could practically see the craters in it. Calmer than before, he sat down to think:
He knew his thoughts were scrambled and his mind scattered. He couldn’t think well, so he went into his room, quietly, so as to avoid Jane, opened his bag and brought out his journal which he surprisingly carried everywhere with him. Sitting down on the dining table and being careful about his arm, he began to write:
Dear Journal,
It's been quite a while since I wrote in you, I think about 3 or 4 years back? Never mind that.
The sky tonight is beautiful. It's wonderful and it’s a direct opposite to my insides.
My mind is a jumbled up mess. It came again and I never expected it. I know I'm stupid, I know I'm stupid for missing my meds. But I just wanted to hope, no, NEEDED to hope that I was normal and nothing would go wrong with me.
I smashed Jean's car today because of my stupidity and funny enough, she isn’t bothered about the goddamn car, I think she’s just bothered about the fact that I used a disrespecting tone on her today. I never should have done that. She is a woman who demands respect everywhere she goes and she works hard to gain it on all levels.
Journal, I know I am lucky. I'm lucky that she didn’t manifest her wrath which I’ve read so much about in the papers on me. But I know she’s boiling, I can feel the steam from here and it's suffocating me.
I need to apologize, but most of all, I need to tell her. I need to tell her so we can be careful. I know I can trust her but the only person who knows about my condition is Dr. Fetter and that’s because he’s the one in charge of me.
God, I'm so angry at myself. What if something went seriously wrong and Jean was the one with this casted arm or something worse? I would then know that my suspicions were right. No matter what I try, I can never do anything right.
During my dizzy spell, all I saw were tiny sparks and my head felt so light. I could hear Jean’s voice in a distance but I couldn’t make out what she was saying. I tried to act but next thing I know, I'm being dragged out of a car by paramedics and my left arm hurts like crazy. I'm even lucky; I wish I had died or maybe I should have hit my head really hard on the steering wheel, stupid airbags. With my condition, such an impact could have killed me or probably put me in a coma for a year and a half.
That’s enough, Journal. I have to go talk to Jean. Putting down some of my emotions here has helped me a lot. I guess I forgot how much writing has helped me in the past.
Thank you, Journal.
Jason knocked on the door of Jean's room twice before she answered with a grunt. He opened the door a tad and peeped inside, she was lying down on the bed with the hotel duvet covering the lower half of her body and she was holding the TV remote like she had been scrolling through the channels. Her face was raised up and one eyebrow was raised at him in question. He could practically smell the anger that emanated from her pores and he shivered.
Taken aback, he blinked before going in and closing the door behind him carefully, like he was scared to irk her the more by slamming the door. He gulped and opened his mouth to speak before he could say anything, she raised her hand in a bid for him to keep quiet.
“Don’t even tell me you’re sorry cause an apology is the worst thing at this moment.” She said casually.
He nodded his head like a preschooler and gently sat down on the edge of her bed, adjusting his casted arm. He saw her eyes briefly move to his cast but they were back on the TV after a second.
“Fine, I'm not going to say sorry,” he started, “but I'm going to ask you to forgive me.”
“For what?” she asked, with her eyes still glued to the television she was no longer paying attention to.
“For being a jerk and snapping at you. Well, I didn’t literally ‘snap’ at you but you get what I mean.” He took a deep breath, “I was going to apologize about the car again but I guess we’re clear on that issue. I had no right to speak to you like that.”
After this, they fell into a silence of Jean staring into space and Jason fidgeting with the duvet and waiting for her to say something. Finally, she responded:
“I don’t think I can just forgive you like that. I need time to get my mind clear and off this issue.”
He nodded and stood up to leave. Immediately he left, he let out a deep breath and leaned on the wall. He felt so downcast; he had chickened out and instead of coming straight out to tell Jean about his condition, he had simply asked for forgiveness and left. At that point, he wasn’t sure if Jean would forgive him or not. He would have had a better chance if he had just sensibly told her the reason why her car was in shambles and he had snapped at her. Cowardly, he slugged back to his room.
Meanwhile, in her hotel room, Jean also let out a huge sigh. She had been pacing around her room, waiting for Jason to show up but when he had wasted too much time, she had gone to peek on him. She saw him writing on the dining table and contemplated sneaking up behind him to see what he was writing but she decided against it and went back to her room. Immediately she heard his footsteps coming close, she had quickly gotten into a dormant position on the bed and pretended like she had been watching TV. Now, she wondered why Jason had come to ask for forgiveness but had still failed to tell her more about his dizzy spell. Shrugging her shoulders, she got up to make a cup of tea, knowing she had a long night ahead of her.
Back in her room and sipping her tea, Jean really began to think about the day. This was weird to her as she never really sat down to think about her day in a long time. Everything was logics and instincts to her and never just issues of her mind and heart. She sat down and began to ponder about the incident.
Looking back, she realized that it was never actually Jason’s fault. He was just a man who had proved himself vulnerable in front of a woman. He was a man who had felt embarrassed and had channeled all his anger at her. She conflicted herself internally by thinking that it was wrong of him to exert his anger on her as she was just trying to help. However, looking back on their conversation, she realized that she had actually forced him to snap with her continuous pressing on the issue.
Due to this realization, her face fell and she dropped her cup of tea, lest she may drop it. She suddenly felt guilty about what she had done and she knew that an apology would never be enough compensation. No matter the events or the information she wanted to retrieve, she claimed Jason as her friend so she was supposed to be there for him while he was pained and not being mad at the injured man. She felt like a bad person and it ruined her insides to the extent that she went to empty her half-cup of tea into the toilet bowl.