Brooke Roberts

The sun warms my skin as the gentle ripples of the sea rock me while I sit on my board. If I wanted to surf, I’d need to be closer to where the waves break, but what I seek is the peace I can only find here. A calmness that my mind has been yearning for since Friday night. Here, beyond where the waves start, it feels like I’m the only one existing—just me and the vast blue around me. Of course, that is if you ignore the other surfers who seem to have the same idea.

I didn’t expect what happened. When I was a teenager, I used to fantasize about the day I’d kiss Kyle, confess my love to him, and he’d hold my waist and tilt my body like in a movie, then press our lips together. The fantasy ended there because that was all I knew. However, reality far exceeded anything I could have imagined. The hot desire and firm grip left me weak in the knees, and I might have stayed in the shower longer than necessary, occupied with other thoughts.

And then there was Raffi.

My playful friend spent yesterday afternoon teasing me, the biggest problem? I didn’t want to resist. I didn’t lie when I said I felt guilty, but at no point did I regret what happened, only the reason behind it. Our kiss was delicious and intense, even though unexpected. As much as he joked about wanting it again, what did that mean?

Kyle didn’t act any differently yesterday, not that he ignored what happened between us. He joined his friend in teasing both me and Seth about it. Not to mention the times I caught him staring at me, his only reaction being a sly smile. Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing; after all, I only kissed them once. Nothing needed to change, but here, alone in my favorite place in the world, I could admit to myself that I woke up craving more. I just didn’t know from whom, after all, how could I choose? Both are so different and too important; I could never risk our friendship or theirs.

“Brooke, stop it. It was just a kiss. Stop freaking out. You’re acting like you’ve never kissed anyone before,” I think and lie on the board to start paddling towards the waves. I needed the sea to clear my mind, to focus only on my movements and surroundings. To let the cycle of the waves wash away all the unresolved questions that seem to want to drown me. No drama, no doubts, just water and salt.

I feel the wave coming, beginning to form as I paddle until it’s time to stand up. All my senses are heightened. The roar of the waves combined with the voices is the soundtrack, my heart beats fast in my chest as I glide through the water, the wind hits my face, and I feel the smile forming on my salted lips. Every tiny movement alters the course of the board, and then there are the colors, the way the light reflects off the water, and nothing compares to this moment. It’s a euphoria I’ve never been able to find in any other way.

I don’t know how much time has passed until I return to the beach in search of a drink. My bag is stored at the snack bar. After ordering a coconut, I check my phone and read the messages.

Liv: Where are you?
Liv: Want to grab a coffee?
Liv: Or we could go shopping.
Liv: I’m bored, where are you?
Liv: I hope you’re ignoring me because you’re having sex.
Liv: Brooke, I’m getting worried.

The messages were sent within a few minutes of each other, the last one being sent five minutes ago, so I sent a photo of myself holding the board with the beach in the background before she could send the next one. The waitress delivers my order and I take a sip of the refreshing drink while typing another reply.

Brooke: I’m at Pleasure Point.

The message appeared as read instantly and she was already typing.

Liv: I’ll be there in an hour, great idea spending the afternoon at the beach.
Brooke: Don’t forget the sunscreen!
Liv: Good reminder, see you soon.

Speaking of sunscreen, I’d better reapply mine. The drive from San Jose to Pleasure Point takes around 45 minutes if traffic is clear, so I think I can catch a few more waves before Liv arrives. I finish drinking my coconut water and head back to surfing.

A little over an hour later, I return to the sand and find my friend with her brown hair tied up in a bun, wearing a moss green bikini under a white lace cover-up. She’s sitting at the snack bar, a colorful striped bag on the chair next to her.

“Finally,” she declares as I approach, and I splash water from my hair on her, making her complain.

“Did you get something for me?” I ask, pointing at the juice cup in her hand. Olivia smiles and hands me a bottle of water.

“Thanks.”

She stands up and after grabbing my stuff, we look for a spot on the sand to lay out our towels. I put the board in the protective bag to shield it from the sun and sand, and we lie down, deciding to sunbathe on our backs first.

“Are you going to tell me or do I have to beg?” Liv asks after about ten minutes of lying silently beside me. I smile; she lasted quite a while. I had texted her about kissing Kyle, and of course, she went crazy wanting more details, but I said I’d explain when we met.

“I don’t even know where to start,” I declare.

“Friday night you kissed Raffi, I’m up to date with the gossip, but then you kissed Kyle, right?” I nod. “Start from there then.”

I sigh and bury my head in my hands.

“After we dropped you off at home, there was such a weird vibe in the car…” I start, and as the words leave my mouth, it’s as if they’re the floodgates breaking open, so I tell everything. About how Kyle asked, the kiss itself, my delay in falling asleep, how I woke up wanting more, the conversation with Raffi. “And then we spent the afternoon drinking, eating, playing cards, and enjoying the pool. I always thought they were all gorgeous…”

“They’re Greek gods, Brooke,” Liv corrects me, the first time she speaks since I started venting.

“Exactly, but yesterday every time I looked at either of them I just wanted to feel them again, and Raffi kept teasing me, making it harder and harder to stay indifferent.”

“Poor Seth, being left out,” she jokes.

“You too. The poor guy had to listen to teasing all day yesterday, not that he seemed to mind, but that doesn’t mean much when we’re talking about Seth, sometimes it’s impossible to figure out what’s going on in that head,” I explain.

“Maybe he wants it and was just observing your reactions.”

“You’re supposed to help me figure out how things could work, not add more fuel to the fire.”

“Why not? You’re surrounded by guys trying to put out the fire.”

“You’re impossible.”

“After Voldemort, you definitely deserve a few men who shake things up. Has the unmentionable ever made you feel like this?”

I pause to reflect for a moment while her blue eyes watch me. I think back to the beginning of our relationship, that time when everything seemed right, and I can't recall any moment when Patrick made me feel the way they have.

“No, not that I remember, but maybe I’m just thinking this way because of everything that’s happened. I just got out of a terrible relationship, and being around these wonderful men, who show me every day how bad Pat... Voldemort was as a boyfriend, just complicates things.”

“It’s possible it’s because you’ve realized he’s a jerk, but I don’t remember you describing any of your dates with him like you do with Kyle and Raffi. Even your expression is different.”

“And you don’t find that strange?” I raise an eyebrow. “My situation with the guys,” I clarify.

“Why would it be? Since when is there a right way to fall in love? I’m not saying you’re in love, Brooke, relax. But as far as I know, there’s no manual for the heart. If it makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anyone, I don’t see a problem. Both Raffi and Kyle are aware of each other and neither has shown jealousy, right?” I nod in agreement because that’s the truth. “You yourself saw them yesterday and just told me you didn’t notice any problems. Don’t let society’s normality ideas crush your happiness; you deserve more than that.”

“You’re the best,” I say, reaching out to hug her.

“Tell me something I don’t know.” Olivia laughs, and I join her.

What would I do without her? Everyone deserves a friend like Olivia Jones, someone who always supports and encourages you, who tells the truth even when it’s the last thing you want to hear, who stands by you in the good times and, more importantly, in the bad, someone who loves you unconditionally.

I feel as if a weight I didn’t even know was there has been lifted from my shoulders, simply by knowing that no matter what happens, Liv will be by my side.