36. THE CALM AND THE CHAOS.

SUMMER CAMP ‘07.

The tides washed between his toes, tickling against his skin with the coarse sands. He looked to Olivia with bright eyes, enthusiastic about the castle he’d built in the sands. Olivia looked to hers with jealousy, knowing Alli’s own was much better.

And she rolled her eyes at him.

He’d missed four of his front teeth since they’d got to camp a week ago, either due to his rough play, or that one time he was being bullied by a set of boys his age. For the most time however, except light out that he had to return to the blue cabin, Alli spent most of his time with Olivia. And like the camp master once said, it was though they were opposite sides of one coin.

Inseparable.

Neither of them wanted anymore friends because as long as they had each other, they were okay. Not all families shared the type of bond they did, going to school together, spending the entirety of summer together as well and carrying out activities like skydiving and rock climbing together and even sandcastle building.

“Hey, yours is good.” He pouted, sarcasm buried deep in his voice as he withheld a chuckle. It was then Olivia gave up, standing to her feet, only to bump into Jack, one third of Damien trio and he was joined by some of the senior camping boys.

Pushing her aside, they cornered Alli who was quick to stand up and with one touch, they collapsed his architecture. Alli was infuriated almost like he could ram his fists into Jack’s face but he had to hold himself back. An arm held him back while Jack inched closer. “What are you going to do, pussy?” That word rang into a six year old Liv’s ears as a bad word and her hands pushed against his back. “Leave him alone” She yelled and one of the boys drew her hair roughly back.

“Leave his girlfriend out of this”

“Alli doesn’t like girls” Otis yelled, letting go of Olivia. “Leave him out this” They both weren’t strangers to bullying and being picked on, both in school and in camp. And her eyes met with his.

“Alli isn’t into girls.”

Now perhaps it was a memory that she’d forgotten, or that Liv was probably the most oblivious person, she didn’t know what those exact words meant until years later, she came face to face with his arms wrapped around another man.

And her bags slipped from her hands in shock. “You’re gay?” The fact that he could keep something this huge from her hurt more than the split realization and they just stood opposite each other, with Omar awkwardly between. And with a shrill voice and a pair of outstretched arms, he whispered. “Welcome home?”

-

“Alli”

Olivia called, looking outside the night-fallen windows and she stared the sweet potatoes on the gas. “Food is almost ready. Can you stop gorging on Austrian chocolates” She rolled her eyes and he perked from the door. “It’s for our movie night” Her shoulders fell as he tossed it into her trash can.

“Well you’re only just saying that.” He said flatly.

They both hadn’t said anything about the incident that happened earlier, not it was that big of a deal to either of them. But as Liv looked at him, she knew it’s going to need some of confrontation sooner or later. “The whole house’s dusty. Like the housekeeper didn’t even try while i was away” She pulled away, wiping her hands against the napkin after scraping dust from the surface of the counter. “Well in her defense, you were gone forever” Alli replied, the Notebook subtly playing from the tv behind them.

She tapped his nose before walking into her room, to see the mess he’d made of her luggages while scavenging for junkfood. “I know you missed me” She muttered, closing her curtains and he trailed behind her. “You’re going to help me unpack” She said, slipping her bralette in front of him. They were that level of comfortable with each other, because there was often no secrets.

But since that afternoon, she began to question how well she knew her best friend. He cleared his throat the moment she turned around and silence fell between them.

“A lot of things happened while you were away” Alli whispered and she scoffed. “Yeah, i can see that. You just magically switched teams huh” She teased and Alli rolled his eyes, deciding whether or not that was offensive. “You do realize i can’t just magically switch teams, right?” He used her words back at her.

“That i’ve always played for this”

She turned around with a facial mask on her face. “Then why didn’t you ever tell me?” There was a crack in her voice as their eyes met and Alli stuttered. “Because—“

“Because you don’t trust me.” She whispered and his hands went through his hair. “No, No Oli it’s not that i don’t trust you. They’re just some things you can’t tell people unless you’ve accepted it yourself” He whispered and her arms fell. “So i’m people now, Alli?” She asked.

“No”

“You know i didn’t say that”

The scent of burning food passed through her nose and she brushed past his shoulders. “Uh, yes you did” He heaved a sigh, slipping his hands into his pockets as she walked away. “The food is almost ready” Her voice echoed back at him.

-

Damien could hear Amanda’s voice draw towards him and he paused with his clothes still in his hands. Like he’d predicted, she walked through his doors—

—this room he was very much happy to be back in. He let his shoulders fall as he turned around and for that second, he didn’t have a million things ravaging through his brain. With one common cause, one person, Olivia.

“Damien, have you seen my other cell phone, i want your brother to check something out.” She asked, peering from the door before walking closer with Luke. His eyes feasted around the master bedroom as they chose to not utter a word.

“Amanda, why on earth would your phone be with me?”

She drew backwards, her hands against the door with a smirk on her lips. “What are you doing?” Damien’s voice pierced the back of the door as it closed, locking both him and Luke inside.

And Luke exhaled. “Mom, what are you doing?” There was so much difference in the way they addressed their mother and his hands banged against the door. “Let me out, i can’t do this right now. Not when i’m exhausted from a five hour trip” His voice soared and he could tell she was still behind that door.

“You can choose to be mad at me forever but i won’t allow you to hate your brother because of Hank” Her voice echoed back at Damien who scoffed. “Mad at her?” Luke asked. “Who the fuck is mad at her?” His clothes fell out of his hands as Luke looked to his elder brother.

“What is this about?”

“We’ll, i would want her to tell you all about it, but she’s way on the other side of the door” Damien gritted through his teeth like a gnarly child and Luke stretched out his hands. “What is it, man?” He asked.

“Mom hooked up with Raznak”

Luke paused, with disgust infiltrating his face. “Ew” Was the first word that escaped his lips and he turned back around to hear a gasp from the other side of the door before dissipating footsteps and he turned to Damien. “What?” He asked.

“Of course i don’t have any business with mum’s sexlife” He groaned, regretting he ever said that and Damien struck his hands against the wall. “But Raznak?” Luke echoed. “Ew—“ He said again and half a smirk crept to Damien’s lips.

“Ew.”

“I mean he isn’t the first—“ Their eyes met. “He isn’t the first man mom has been with since dad” Luke added. “But i mean if you see how much of a wreck she was with me, after everything, i’d cut her some slack” Damien let his eyes go down on his brother as silence fell between them.

He sat into his bed, clenching both his hands and jaw as Luke raised a foot to his dresser. He paused, realizing he maybe might have said too much but then there was no holding back, since they were trapped in what seemed to be an intervention.

He inched closer to Damien. “Why are you mad?” He asked.

“I mean, i know i’m mad because you never showed up. And i have every right to be, given how many nights i stayed up for you and how many fucking tooth fairies i wished on” He added. “But i would never understand why you’re mad” He continued and Damien’s eyes fell to the ground.

“And why you hate me.”

The words pierced through his ears as their eyes met.

-

Liv gorged on the last piece of potatoes in her plates, placing her cutleries next to her turkey bones. Her head rested on the opposite side of the couch, from where Alli stole a million glances. They were watching their second movie in the silence and it was just a few minutes to eleven pm—

It was when she picked up her phone that Alli spoke. “I didn’t tell you because i was scared” His words interrupted her and he reached for the television remote, turning it off.

“Scared?” She echoed.

“Yes” He breathed. “Because for some reason, every gay person is programmed that way, especially if you’ve spent your whole life growing around the most conservative, shitty homophobic people that are your family” He added. “You have a defense mechanism to always lie, to always portray yourself as something you’re not because it makes you feel safe”

“Safer than you could ever be while being who you are, and out and fucking proud. I get the high side, the freedom that comes with that they never talk about the lows. The fact that you’re open to judgement, even from strangers you meet on the streets. You’re open to the hatred that sprouts from just you living your life and i don’t want that” He continued.

“But i’m not a stranger” Liv looked to him. “And i know” He replied. “I know you’re not a stranger and it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault i’m a lying piece of shit. And the truth is up until a few months ago, i hated myself for being this way because of the whole world portrayed me, like i was different from everyone else and all my life, i’ve been bullied for that. Beaten up for that, for a fucking stereotype” He whispered. “Now, imagine if i actually came out. Not just to you, but to my family. To my mother and my father and everyone back in highschool”

“I can’t live that way, Olivia”

“So i just shut it out. I shut it out thinking it will go away, and like everyone said, it was a phase and at some point i would get over it but here i am, with some stupid crush on the man that’s about to marry my sister” The tears welled up in both their eyes before she sat up. “What?” Came the obvious question and even Alli let out a soft chuckle. “Yeah, right—“

“How many seasons did i miss, Alli?” She looked to him and he clasped his lips. “A ton of shitty seasons, with a fucked up plot” Her hands reached towards his.

“Is this about Omar?” She asked and he just rolled his eyes.

“Of course you know him, because everyone does and apparently my parents think he’s what’s best for my cousin who’s meant to get married by December and he’s out here playing his games with me while i’m beating myself up for being such a fucking shitty person” He raised his voice and she gripped his fingers. “Hey” She said.

“I’m not sure what exactly is going on, but i know you’re not a shitty person, Alli” She scoffed. “I am” She whispered. “I am because i was so self absorbed that for the past few years, i didn’t see just how much you were going through” She added.

“It’s not your fault” He whispered and she nodded. “No it is, Alli. And it’s on me because at some point, i was meant to know”

“No, at some point i was meant to tell you but i guess, we had other things. I had other things” She looked to her diamond engagement while scoffing lightly. “Is this about this?” She took it off and Alli buried the back of his head into the couch.

“I just can’t.”

“Everyone’s getting married and it’s all a lie” He whispered and Liv scoffed. “Well this, this is over,” She tossed it to the table. “Because now, i’m in a trap, to call it off or marry him by christmas—“ She hefted her palms. “Because maybe Raznak caught us in a lie or he’s just trying to make things difficult i don’t care. I just can’t marry him and i’m not sure how long i can actually do this.” She whispered. “Damien” He said.

“A lot of things happened in Vienna” She heaved a sigh. “And a lot of things happened in Chicago” He whispered. “I’ll tell you everything but i should probably come clean about one thing first” She whispered. stroking her chin.

“Remember—“

“Remember the summer trip of 07. The last time we ever went there” She paused and Alli looked to her. “That Alex and the—the boys” she stuttered and Liv ran her hands through her hair.

“Damien Alexander” She replied and it took a while, but when he got it, his jaw dropped to the ground while she nodded. “He’s Alexander. Damien is Alexander.”

To be continued…