Chapter 33

Nyla
Heinrich and I continued to keep our distance, but I desperately wanted to close the gap. But I couldn't bare his rejection a second time. He looked at me in the most uncomfortable way and I felt empty.

I took my arms around my waist and squeezed myself for the blow I knew was coming, but it never did. We stood in silence and I prayed to be alone.

The thing that hurt the most about Heinrich and I was that it was like he was always suspended from a rope. Always out of my reach emotionally. But all the events that led up to now said otherwise. I had broken through his exterior and he couldn't accept it. Or was this all just my imagination.

Somewhere deep inside I knew this wasn't just my imagination. I could see him, feel him, and taste him. But somehow, he made himself out of reach yet again, putting me back on the emotional roller coaster that was beginning to make me nauseous.

"Nyla, I don't think we should continue this."

The man I'd fallen in love with just killed me. Without a gun, without a knife, but with the ending of what I wanted to be my forever. If my heart wasn't broken before, it sure as hell was now.

"I don't know what you want from me."

What I want from him? Was he fucking serious?

"I want you to see what I could be to you, what we can be to each other."

"And what is that?"

"I'm not some doll you can just place on the shelf when you're tired of playing with me."

"You knew what you were signing up for."

"Why did you come back? What was the point if all you were going to do was leave all over again?"

He stood silent as if he was searching for the words, but he couldn't find them. So, I decided to find them for him.

"You need to leave."

I spoke it so low I was sure he didn't hear me. I held my head down so that he couldn't see my tears, the tears that would stream the moment we locked eyes. With my head held low his dress shoes came into my blurred vision. Before he could touch me, I held my hand out.

"Please, sir."

Heinrich's feet retreated and the door closed softly behind him and with the click of the lock, the tears fell in streams. I grabbed my phone and quickly texted Clover I wouldn't be able to make it in to work today. There was no way in hell I'd survive.

I began to wonder if all of this had been a mistake, the vacation, the relationship, or lack thereof. It’s moments like this when you need someone who understands you. Someone who can help you move on and process the pain. I needed Molly. I didn't want to disturb her sleep, but she would kill me if I withheld what happened over the last 24 hours.

"Moll."

"Nyla, babe, what's wrong?"

Without hesitation and on cue I sobbed into the phone, and told her everything. How was your best friend able to understand you with tears and snot would always be a mystery, but she always did. She did without any judgment and right now I needed that like I needed the air I breathe, but with each breath, I found my chest heavier.

"Hey babes, why don't you come here for a little while. Until things calm down?"

"I would love to, but I don't want to feel like I'm running."

"That's not running babes, but I understand. You've built a life for yourself there."

She said it with a hint of sadness and that was more than I needed. I didn't want to feel her sadness about us being apart. Although I had made a life here, it was still incomplete without her.

"How about I talk it over with Clover?"

"Yas! I miss you Ny and Shane does have some new friends. One I believe is into the kink you're into."

I blushed out of sheer embarrassment at the new needs that I feared no man would be able to fulfill. These needs would be the ones that would keep me hanging on to Heinrich.

Our conversation lasted for hours as we talked about everything and nothing. Molly just knew I needed her company, and Xavier and Clover wouldn't understand me like she would.

The next day, I found it harder to get up. It wasn't the normal I love my comfy bed, I was suffering from heartbreak. I just wanted to stay home, eat, sleep and fucking repeat until he was a faded memory. That was definitely going to take time, but damn if I didn't wish he could be erased as quickly as he came into my life.

The days molded together and I felt myself getting into a routine; work and dinner with the boys, calls to Molly and painting. If there was anything good that came out of all of this, it was that I was painting again.

April was rolling around and the winter chill was leaving. You could feel warmer days were ahead of us, and boy was I glad. Things were changing all around me, but I somehow managed to stay stuck pining for Heinrich.

Shane asked Molly to marry him on Valentine's Day and we became consumed with planning her wedding for this coming October. I felt a small twinge of jealousy but it was my best friend. So, I push through the reminder of what I was missing.

Molly often asked me what I wanted and before I didn't quite have an answer. Now, I did have one. Well, more like two. Heinrich was at the top of my list regardless of how much I wanted him not to be. The damn man was all I wanted. Like a drug, I craved more. Secondly, I want someone at the end of the day to make the monotony of the day feel worth it. Heinrich had given me a glimpse of what was capable from both of us and I wanted it like my next breath.

The dinners with Xavier and Clover and the phone calls with Molly were great, but I still had this itch I couldn't scratch.

"Heinrich." His name often spilled from my mouth when I was in need of cuming, even though he ended things he still owned my orgasms.