Chapter 43: It’s Getting Lonely

“Why did I ever want solitude?” Laura cried out in her loft, alone, after countless efforts to contact Alex, Don, and Ricky without success. Once adored by all three of the billionaire bachelors, she was currently being ignored as persona non grata after saying yes to each one’s request to be their girlfriend.

Not one to be defeated, no matter how upset she was at the prospect of losing the guys, she decided to get out and meet people. But where should she go? She couldn’t go to the clubs. Even if she got in to one of the more exclusive ones, she risked seeing Don there flanked by young, nubile women who were old enough to marry but barely the legal age to drink.

She fulfilled the performance contract that Ricky had created for her and the rest of the string quartet at his law firm’s events. Due to the group’s newfound fame, the chamber music concerts were standing room only. This made it impossible for her to see if Ricky was there or not.

Lastly, she visited the cafe on the way to work in the morning, at breaks during the day, and on her way home from practice with the quartet. She never saw Alex. Although secretly she believed that she now had the best chance with him, just like with the others, he did not respond to her efforts to contact him despite once saying that they were soulmates and would always be connected.

She decided that she would try something new and take a community education class on Friday nights. It would be great if she met someone special, but if not, she would learn how to become a better cook and the classes would give her the opportunity to try some new recipes.

Fifteen minutes into the class, despite not cutting any onions, she was in tears. At first the tears just rolled silently down her cheeks, the result of mourning the lost opportunities to get to know the guys even better.

As she mentally strolled down memory lane, she thought of Ricky and all of the meals he had made and shared with her. She started sobbing uncontrollably. She excused herself to grab control of her emotions. Thirty minutes later she was still inconsolable.

Ironically, she had missed the majority of the class she took to meet people. They were inside having fun and feasting on gourmet snacks. She was alone in the hall wondering when the tears and pain would stop.

“Why couldn’t I just choose, d*mn it? Maybe Caitlin was right,” she murmured to herself on the drive home. She went from in demand, to ignored for days, to thinking that she was not worthy of being contacted as days became weeks. Once the days became weeks, she had to realize that all three of the relationships were probably over.

Silence, solitude, being alone, and feeling lonely: she progressed through all of these states as she grieved the loss of five relationships: Luke, Caitlin, Alex, Ricky, and Don. They were all out of her life now and maybe also her future. After two more weeks without any of them, she conceded social defeat, and started to consider getting a pet and lots of plants.

Before becoming a functional hermit, she decided to find a therapist.

“I need the help,” she admitted to herself and then the same to the mental health technician assigned to her case.

“Anyone would be upset about one such loss, but you’ve had five and you never mourned any of them. You might think that you wouldn’t have to acknowledge the grief surrounding a relationship you initiated ending, like with Luke, but it is important to heal and acknowledge the loss. Then there is your best friend who always helped you deal with change and crisis. She has been out of touch, too.”

“And last but not least, the three bachelors. You only knew them for a short time, but during the time you were seeing all three of them, you were establishing relationships, and were quickly moving past the loss of one long term boyfriend for three very interested, but temporary, admirers.”

“Short term or long term doesn’t matter when you let someone into your heart. You will always have those memories and feelings. As time passes you will learn how to deal with the positives and negatives concerning them better, but for now, you must sit with the grief. And that is hard and uncomfortable.”

Laura signed up for more phone sessions and figured out how to be alone, but not lonely. She was getting healthier mentally and feeling less depressed. She stopped trying to reach out to people who used to be in her life who, in their prolonged absence and cool distance, had made it clear that they did not want to be in her life right now. If they did, like Luke, it might undo the healing progress she had made.

She never thought she would make it, but she had been on her own for a month. Her counselor pronounced her a success story and gave her one challenge before stopping her therapy sessions: writing each person a note asking for their forgiveness. She could keep it, burn it, mail it, or hand deliver it. It was up to Laura. She was stronger and less likely to fall apart whichever method she chose to move past the feelings in the note.

She decided to go all out. She got fancy stationery and gel pens. She centered herself, admitted her part in hurting each of the five individuals, and sat down to write each person; the letter was more for her freedom than a method to elicit a response. She had made it this far in her development. Whatever she chose this time would be success.