Chapter 44: Forgive Me

Laura decided to write letters seeking forgiveness. She decided to keep it short and direct. If she had time after writing the gentlemen, she would write a letter to Caitlin that she would mail. As for a letter to Luke, she would write it to him, but burn it after she got all of her feelings out.

“Alex, thank you for opening this letter. If you are reading it, then I know that there is room in your heart to forgive me for any harm that I may have done to you while simultaneously dating, but worst of all, also agreeing to commit to your two best friends. Looking back on what I did, I should have told all three of you that you asked me to commit as your exclusive girlfriend, but I should not have accepted each of your propositions.”

“Now that you all have ignored me for a few weeks because of my harmful treatment of you, I realize that there is no excuse for my behavior. I regret that I hurt you. I know that I am not worthy of a second chance at a love relationship with you because of this. I only hope that you can forgive me over time as we each move forward separately on our own paths. I have learned a valuable lesson; I am truly sorry it had to come at so high a cost to both of us. Unfortunately, this harm led to losing you not only as a boyfriend or partner, but as a close, personal friend. —-Laura”

She read over the letter several times. It was a suitable letter for all three. She copied it over onto nice stationery two times to also address it to Don and Ricky. Going through writing a different apology letter by hand twice again was too much for her to bear no matter how much time had passed or how many counseling sessions she had been through.

She now had enough time to write a letter to mail to Caitlin. She would also write one to Luke for the cathartic effect of getting her emotions on paper and burning it. This entire process would eradicate any residual ill feelings and provide her with the preservation of positive memories along with some very much needed closure and strength.

“Caitlin, you and I have been best friends for years. You have listened to me and we have shared experiences throughout the intermingling of our lives as we grew up together. Now, unfortunately, we have grown apart.”

“You were right. At our last encounter, I did not want to hear what you had to say, but by ignoring your advice, I loss all three of the guys as you predicted. I know we can’t go back to the way that we were, but, if you would forgive me, perhaps we can move forward together. I don’t want to lose you too.”

“Thank you for being honest and brave enough to tell me how you felt. You responded the way a real friend would; you spoke your truth and risked losing me because of it. You tried to help me so that I could salvage at least one relationship with the best suitor for me before I lost all three and the opportunity to be with any of them. —-Laura”

Writing the letter to Caitlin was a different challenge than the letter she planned to send to each of the guys. There was only one left: a letter to Luke.

“Luke, I know that you and I were together for a long time and we definitely had our ups and downs. After much thought and careful consideration, I don’t think that we were good for each other in the long term. I have been so focused on how you hurt me that I was unable to get past your verbal abuse and move on to a life without you in it so that I could heal.”

“I am writing this to have closure on our relationship, so that you can separately pursue your interests, personally and professionally, and I can pursue mine without causing each other any further pain or blocking each others’ progress or further hurting one another mentally or emotionally. I plan to move on permanently without you and wish you the best. Goodbye and good luck. —-Laura”

She took the letter to Luke and put it in a ceramic bowl, then set it on fire. It was all over, not just with Luke, but with Alex, Don, Ricky, and probably also Caitlin. There was much regret and sadness at her multiple losses. As time passed she felt lighter and oddly calm with hope for a better life on her own. Now she had let go of holding on to the toxic (Luke) and the temporary (Alex, Don, and Ricky). She was unsure of what category she put Caitlin in, but she was part of her healing.

She had hard-earned wisdom from the unfortunate negative ends to her relationships with these five people who left their marks on her life. She wanted to take some time to focus on herself before trying to meet someone new as a friend or seek out a love interest. She wasn’t ready to leap into the dating or friendship pool yet.

She decided she would follow the advice of her counselor and just “sit with the grief”. Each letter represented loss, and she had to face up to that. How long she would spend mourning these losses was unknown. Time was on her side. Maybe she needed to forgive herself first before she could be forgiven. Her pain over these relationships was significant. She wanted to forget it all and, since she had no vice, like cigarettes or liquor, the best way for her to do so was by playing music.