7. I Am Sorry We Kissed

**Maeve**

*Thank you for everything?* It was one of the stupidest things I could ever think of.
I slammed the door shut and almost banged my head against it for that crappy line. In fact, I did better than this on crappy dates I had been on in the past. And this kiss, with Xander, was one of the most beautiful kisses I have ever experienced!
*How could I ruin the real chance of not being a dork for once in my life?*
I groaned into the solid wood and dragged my sorry self back into the bedroom where I just shucked the handbag away and fell on top of the mattress. What a regrettably beautiful day, I sighed. It was only then I realized that I was still wearing his jacket — his oversized, inexplicably warm and comfortable jacket. It hugged every aspect of me, cloaking me in its affectionate seams and I never wanted to take it off.
I convinced myself that it was the closest to any kind of relationship or happiness I’d get. It was downright creepy and borderline crazy to obsess over a guy I had just met forty-eight hours and drooling over his jacket. On his part, he was oddly chivalrous.
He simply threatened me into his car in the middle of the dark and empty road, then took me to a nice diner because my stomach was funnily growling like a hungry rhino and offered a warm article.
And then we just kissed.
In the history of awkward love stories or dating, my one would have topped the charts.
With thoughts and regrets crawling in my head like unwanted pests, I did not realize when I had fallen asleep. Somewhat around four in the morning, I woke up with a start and sweat beads covered my forehead.
It was a dream this time —the vision of an animal—a furry beast like the one I had seen earlier. Unlike the last time, it was not accompanied by a splitting headache.
Sitting up, I slowly hugged myself and inhaled the deep, masculine scent of Xander’s jacket. The earthy tones were somewhat relieving, lulling me into the calmness that I desperately craved.
At the same time, a wary thought crossed my mind. It reminded me all over again that I wasn’t normal – or anything close to saturated when it comes to rationality and whatever could brew between us, I better nip it at the bud. There was no point getting involved with anyone I’d ever let go.
And Xander was not the kind of guy you simply get over once you have fallen for him. I liked him, chaste enough and I better stick to that because there was no way I’d ever kiss my irresistible neighbour once again.
Sighing out of bed, I changed out of the clothes and folded his jacket aside. I willed myself not to look at it like it meant something or anything and waded out of the bedroom in a set of a freshly worn set of t-shirt and shorts.
The next few hours went by in doing odd housework and blaring music to distract myself from my thoughts. Only when it was a bright morning and the day had officially started, I put on my uniform and set out for the most anticipated task before the hospital.
I have to return Xander’s jacket.
Dragging in a staggering breath, I grabbed the jacket and finally knocked on his door. When he did not answer on the first two knocks, I turned around and was about to leave until the sound of a lock clicked. The moment he wrenched open the door, whatever little breath I had left knocked out of my lungs.
Xander was standing before me, bare-chested and in his glorious form of tanned skin and ripping muscles. I have never been a fan of those steroid-injected and picture-perfect bodies, but Xander was class apart. The cotton trousers perfectly hugged his thick, thighs, and I had to wheel away from the urge to gape and ogle.
God, I wanted to touch him, trail my un-manicured fingers through the contours, but deep in my heart, I knew it wouldn’t be right. For him or me.
“Hey,” I smiled, a little more toothily than intended like a fool.
“Good morning,” he replied, minding manners, unlike me. Raking a quick hand through his sleep-tousled bed hair, he held the door wide open and stepped aside. “Come in.”
“Thank you.” I slowly treaded into his apartment, and it looked annoyingly perfect and masculine.
“Coffee?” His voice brought me back from my musing as I quickly shook my head in refusal. I did not know if I could stomach anything after this.
“No, thank you.” I thrust out my arm, holding the garment. “I just came to return this and thank you for everything last night.”
*Oh, fuck no. Not again.*
“I remember.” Xander chuckled under his breath, slowly taking it from my hand to place it aside on the couch.
“Right, of course.”
He shoved his hands into the pockets and stood straighter, waiting for me to say something. And for once, I wanted to be a little more than a messy human being in front of him so without beating around the bush, and I dived right ahead.
“Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something.” I nervously rubbed my clammy hands as he shot me a curious look and slowly nodded. “I wanted to say that I am sorry. I mean about yesterday.”
Xander smiled with uncertainty as I quickly blurted. “I did not mean to do that. Kiss you.”
Even though the smile did not disappear, his eyes looked different and void as though I had just delivered a nasty punch in his guts.
“You are sorry?” he asked with an edge of incredulity in his voice.
“Yeah, really. And it wasn’t even a date, right?” For the first time, I hated myself. I hated to lie, deceive him and myself in the process even though I knew this was the right thing. So I went on—diving headfirst into the deep sea of guilt.
“I never kiss a guy before the second or third date. Not that I go for very frequent dates. Or kiss very regularly. God, I am not making any sense. What I am trying to say is that the kiss—it wasn’t anything. I mean, I--”
I was almost breathless, ragged and panting. My throat felt like the Sahara desert as oxygen was no longer going to my brain. It clogged, making me almost dizzy. How do I always end up making an ass out of myself?
Two capable hands cupped my shoulders, and the soothing husky tones of his voice caressed my ears, coercing all the panic to descend.
“Breathe, Maeve. Breathe for me,” he cajoled, and as though I was on autopilot, I took in large gulps of air. “Another one,” he schooled until I settled into a rhythm. “Good. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“So, we are good?” I whispered, almost sullenly.
“We have never been anything but good,” he said smilingly, but there was no glint in his eyes. Not even the slightest of glow I had earlier noticed. The orbs were only a thousand shades darker. “And, Maeve, you should be kissed very often.”
At that, my heart seriously stopped. On top of that, he was standing so close that all that I could see or smell or hear was him, and my senses could not differentiate between reality and fantasy. I needed to let him go as much as I desperately wanted to hold on to him.
It was happening all too quickly, but for the first time, it felt right. But as much as I wish this were all true to last, I knew it wouldn’t.
Sighing, I staggered a few steps back and away from him. “I am just not interested in relationships, not dating.” This time, I did not meet his eyes.
“Right. Noted.” Xander’s voice was dry and clipped as he did not attempt to drag it any more than it already was.
“I...should go now.” I did not wait for a reply or acknowledgement anymore, turned around and dashed away. This was already a lot harder than I ever thought it could be, and the longer I lingered this distasteful moment between us, the deeper it would sting.
So I did the safest and wimpiest thing I could think of and fled.