Chapter twenty - three - The horses are in for a steamy viewing

I consider myself unable to sleep part of my routine now. And realizing the hard extent of what Darius had requested me to do... it rocked a part of my mind that the simple solution was to go to the stables within the castle walls and pet the horses.

Clad in a white nightgown and cloak, I run the bristle brush along the mane of a white mare. "If only I had your job," I whisper, tilting my head as the horse gently nudges my shoulder. "At least you wouldn't need to worry about collecting a vial of dragon blood." Or stealing the pendant, or my brothers finding out, or the trials.

"Nara," a surprised voice and one I can recognize in a heartbeat makes me look to the right as Lorcan walks in, pulling on the reins of his horse. "I didn't expect to see you at the stables."

Ignoring the motion in my chest as he nears me, I face the mare and mutter, "Where did you expect to see me?"

"Out in the gardens, trapping worms."

I may not be looking at him, but I can hear the humor in his voice, picture the smile on his face that he does around me.

"Frogs," I correct him with an exasperating sigh. "I'd be trapping frogs."

"As a previous trapper, I thought you'd trap anything."

Huffing, I retrieve the brush and turn to him with my heart-stopping at the cedar scent of his. Clearing my throat for a bit of tranquility within myself, I say, "A worm only needs water for it to resurface. A rabbit needs fresh vegetables. Deer's are attracted to salt and apples, and a frog ironically love worms and seek damp areas." I lift a brow as he nods with a stare I'd pass as impressed. "I've captured almost every living thing in my life, but as a trapper, animals weren't a priority compared to creatures."

He stays quiet. I don't think he knows what to say to that. Perhaps the certain coldness in my voice added to the lack of a reply. He might have offered to help my brothers, for my happiness, and maybe it's all my frustration coming in at once that I open my mouth without thinking. "Do you regret what happened the other night?"

His brows furrow, lurching his head back slightly in shock. But I can see it... I can see that he knew that topic would come up. "The General just doesn't want me distracting—"

"You didn't answer my question."

He sighs a deep and tired one, running his hand over his face. "No, I do not regret one second of what happened, Nara."

A yank in my heart feels like it's trying to get out just by that answer. He doesn't regret it. I already know I didn't. As much as I wanted to the minute I left, I couldn't.

My breath then locks in my chest as he breaks the distance between us. Staring down at me and in a low voice, he adds, "And I haven't stopped thinking about wanting to do it again."

Then do it, I want to say but can't seem to voice it.

Despite how much I wanted to become a Venator and follow my father's steps, I was already failing before the trial. Lying, working with a shifter to steal from the queen. I can't even bring myself to tell Lorcan that, not like I almost did the other night.

Lorcan's gaze on me flitters to the side, taking slow breaths like he wants to resist, and at that moment, I realize I don't know enough about him, maybe to most I did. But even I'd noticed there were times he'd avoid me or hold back after the moment when I'd walked away from him.

My teeth sink into my bottom lip as I shake my head. "I should go," I whisper, dropping the brush into a bucket and moving past.

But footsteps against the wooden floorboards come from behind, and it takes a second before I'm whirled around to face him again. He's gripping onto my elbow, eyes hooded as the torch lights from the walls illuminate that green flame in them.

"Do you regret it?" He inches closer, but there's something in his voice, brewing like the question is both painful and hopeful at once.

Whether it's the way, he delivers that desperation within it or the burning coil in my gut, searing me to pieces over his gaze. I begin losing it, knowing my answer from the start.

Because it's the answer I wish were the opposite.

"No," I breathe. "I do not regret one single thing." And at that, his sigh of relief is followed by a crashing of his mouth on mine.

Unlike our first kiss, I'm not shocked into it as he cranes his neck, giving him more access to my lips, for his tongue to slip in and claim each second, they intertwine. My heart thrums, sending me into something I'm not in control of as I bring my hands out to the leather material of his chest and slide them up around his neck.

He shuffles us back, unfastening the clasp from my cloak until I'm hitting against one of the empty stalls, and I have to steady myself onto it with one hand still around his neck and the other holding the railing.

"You kill me, Nara," he says against my lips, his hand finding the slit of my nightgown and plunging it inside as he lifts that leg up around him. The warmth of his fingers... the caress by my thigh burns like a fire hearth that I can't help the involuntary moan I let out.

I question how it's possible I'd gone this long, never feeling this way, the blood rushing to parts I'd not once felt a touch upon—the tingling bliss that blurs away any thoughts in my mind.

It is just so... natural.

I don't care where we are, what he does. I want more. "Lorcan," I sigh his name like it's a demand as his mouth leaves mine and his bottom lip drags down the hollow of my neck.

Gentle, warm, and wet.

My head tips back, staring at the shiplap ceiling as the grip on the stall digs into my palms, and I clutch harder than ever. My leg around Lorcan's then tightens that his middle meets my center, causing a grunt of pleasure to emit from both of us. Except his is a sound I'd not heard before, the deepness of it, like one I'd imagine not even humane.

His hand proceeds to move from my thigh, up, up, up until it's palming—what he can hold of it—my breast. Shocked by how good it feels, I whimper as he rubs along it, and my hips move against his while I bury my other hand through the back of his copper hair.

Another sound climbs up his throat as he grits, "If you keep doing that, I think the horses will see more than what's happening right now."

"You're the one that kissed me first," I challenge, pressing myself closer to the firmness of him.

His breathing comes at a ragged pace on my neck as his palm stills around my breast. "Nara," he says, thickly. "Despite how much I want to... your first time will not be in a stable, against a stall."

First.

My first time.

Is that what I'd been implying with wanting more? By pressing myself closer? Doing such things, I'd never thought could happen instinctively?

Somehow, I knew I'd wanted that, while the other side brought up the realization and cluelessness of the situation.

I was going off on emotion because, for once, I didn't react out of worry like I'd done the night in his chambers. Kissing him had crumbled that unknown dread.

My first, I repeat inside my head, exhaling as I lower my leg to the ground. Lorcan would be my first.

His hand trails from my breast down the side until it's out of the slit, out of my body. Leaning back, he presses his forehead on mine, trying to regain his strength more than anything. As am I.

The sting between my thighs hasn't left, and as Lorcan moves his head to look at me, I remove my hand from the stall. It's a minute of quietude staring at me as my breathing levels down to a heartbeat. Then he says, "Come with me for a meal at the castle tomorrow—" His voice hoarse—hoarse from seconds ago. "—With the queen."

I raise my brows, surprised by the out of nowhere invitation nonetheless intrigued. "The queen?"

He nods. "She thinks of you as highly skilled for a trainee."

If she saw how unskilled I really was against Darius, then—

I blink at the sudden thought of myself agreeing that I'm unskilled when it comes to him. Idiotic dragon, ruining everything. Shaking my head with a pensive frown, I ask, "Won't the General dislike the thought of you inviting me to a meal?"

"The General dislikes a lot of things."

"Dancing around the question again, Deputy?"

He huffs a short laugh, tipping his head back for a second. "It doesn't matter what the General thinks when it comes to the queen."

True, the queen has all the say in the Venators at the end of the day, and I want to say yes, I have to say yes. Dining with the queen meant I'd be closer to the pendant—to figuring out how to get it.

I wonder if perhaps Lorcan's invite had been a fate gifted by Solaris, though pitiful of me to think that. It's stealing. If anything, I'd be punished for that by the two gods. Unless I'm already to be punished for the countless things I've done in my life.

Drawing in a breath and seeing it is my only chance, I accept either way. "I will see you tomorrow then."

The edge of his lips rises at my answer, and I slide past him, crouching down to pick up my cloak. "And—" I spin as Lorcan, having stayed in the same position, looks over his shoulder at me. "Thank you for also helping me with my brothers earlier."

He dips his chin in a nod. "You don't need to thank me, Nara."

"But I want to." I sigh, and I see that as my cue to turn and walk out of the stables, not knowing how I'd be able to sleep again.

***

The anticipation of attending a meal at the castle came by swiftly. I'd mentioned it to Freya within hours of what happened at the stable. Of course, missing out on the finer details, such as mine and Lorcan's bodies pressed against each other, his hands creating a feverish heat on my skin.

Flushing at the potent memory, I cough shortly, sitting by the footing of my bed as Freya runs her hands through my hair.

She'd insisted on helping me fix it, although there was no need when I'm still in the sleeveless leather attire. But I accepted anywise since I'd never had a friend... no one to help me get ready, not even my mother would do my hair. Sometimes she'd brush it, complaining how my long locks always got tangled when I'd climb up trees to overlook the world. What lies beyond, or if there is anything else other than Zerathion.

"Your hair is golden like the sunsets over Emberwell, Nara," Freya says, amazed as I stare at her kneeling behind me through the long mirror.

I smile. "My father thought the same thing. He'd always compliment it even when I'd show up with mud caked on it."

She looks up, glancing at our reflection, and chuckles, shaking her head. "If only my father could give me one small compliment... at least once."

My smile withers, hearing her hide the misery in her words. For a cheerful person that is Freya, it's hard to see her in any sorrowful state—which is not often.

"Your father is blind not to see what a wonderful daughter he has," I say, and her hands cease within my locks, looking at me with a cock of her head.

"You're the first person to ever say that to me."

"And I won't be the last."

A grin skims her lips as she resumes pinning my hair back in places. It's quiet for a minute or two before a question pops into my mind, a question I'd never even thought to ask my brothers despite knowing their answers.

"Can I ask you something, Freya?"

"That's unusual," she snorts, her mood rising again. "You never like asking questions!"

A light chuckle surfaces from me as I drop my gaze to the floor. After a second, I inhale and say, "Have you ever experienced love with someone?"

I've not wondered about love before, didn't want to know what it felt like. I cared more about trapping and protecting my brothers, but I'd grown curious since my time in the city.

Freya sighs as if thinking it over for a second. "Well... once I had a lover, during my time away from this all. He was my first for many things."

I twist to face her. "What happened?"

She raises her brows, grabbing my shoulders, and turns me back around as I frown in protest. "We never truly loved each other." Her fingers collect the sides of my hair. "I was searching to find myself, and he didn't care for that."

My lashes lower, flittering over my skin as I wring my fingers together. It's not an answer I'd expected from Freya. It made me wonder how one knew when you loved someone or when it was merely false feelings.

"I don't regret it, though," she adds, the joyful tone in her voice unmatching the current topic. "It taught me a lot. Now I just hope I meet the right person."

I don't give an immediate response; actually, I don't give anything at all. The concept of love was something I found uncertain.

"All done." Freya pats the sides of my arms. "Now, these are my favorite hairpieces, and I usually don't give it out to anyone! But I must say they look gorgeous on you, Nara."

I lift my gaze to the mirror, lightly touching the violet crystal pins as it shines on each side of my hair, pulling it back into a half updo. Waves plunge down, resting below my breasts as I inhale at how she'd made my hair go from a matted mess to... well, delicate.

I turn to her, almost gaping. "It's yours I—"

She lifts her palm. "Keep it. I can always find myself a new favorite hairpiece—trust me," come the words when I frown skeptically.

Recognizing Freya's constant habit of changing her likes and dislikes as well as her hobbies, I mouth the words, thank you, smiling as I stand and waltz to the door.

"Nara?"

I turn with a hum as Freya's gaze focuses on the window, the golden sunset caressing her dark bronze skin like glistening jewels.

"Do you think the sun ever wants to stay up there in one place?" She asks, taking in steady breaths. "Or do you think every time it scorches its heat down on us, it's saying how badly it yearns to reach the moon?"

I'd never thought of it that way. "Are you saying that for the sake of Solaris and Crello or because of you?"

She lifts a shoulder. "Maybe both. I've always loved the history behind our religion. Sometimes I pray to both Solaris and Crello over my future and what it holds." She draws in her lower lip. "If I have a purpose or not."

A long moment passes as she never takes her eyes off the window. It's something I can consider that I used to do when I was young, wishing for something greater to come for my brothers and me.

You don't need to try out every hobby to find your purpose," I speak, at last, making her snap her gaze to me. "Sometimes it lies within oneself and in parts of our minds where we've not dared search before."

Freya doesn't smile, doesn't respond, doesn't move. But her brown eyes turning hazel in the sunlight glisten with appreciation before returning to look outside the window.

I falter on her part, and then I leave the room with my own words echoing inside my head as I walk down the hallways towards the stairs and wonder if I'd found my purpose. If whether being a Venator was that purpose. It'd been my dream for so long, but things were different than I thought they'd be. The only surprise was—

"Lorcan," I say, breathing a smile as I take the last step of stairs, holding onto the banister. He stops talking to another Venator, dismissing him as he strolls over. Eyes drift over my hair, the crystals, and then that hint of his lips tilting up appears.

"Permission to compliment, Miss Ambrose?"

"I can't promise I won't roll my eyes."

He chuckles, holding out his palm. I hesitate just how I'd done the day I left my village before puffing a breath and taking hold of the scars and his calloused touch.

"Then I'll take my chances," he says as he leans in and whispers, "you're exquisite, Nara."

Swallowing the wild warmth of his words, I manage to roll my eyes, but the smile paving its way onto my lips betray me once he leads me out of the barracks.