Chapter forty - eight - a love not worth fighting for

I slam my palm against the stone walls, looking for a loose piece. It's a useless thought that there'd be one, but the Venators hadn't even bothered to throw me in a regular prison cell. They'd taken me to where I'd found Adriel.

Knowing this is where they sent me should fill my stomach with dread; instead, I'm restless, taking my cloak off as if that is viable enough to work as a weapon.

Rotting flesh clogs the entire dungeons, and I hope not to gag. I have no sheath, no blade, nothing to help me either way. My palm is red-raw as I hit the wall again and drop my forehead against it. The coldness of it eases my burning mind and body before I turn and, in defeat, slide down to the floor.

Huffing, I tip my head back and start whispering a lullaby my father would sing to me to fall asleep. "Oh sun, oh sun, I wait for thee, basking in the twilight until your dawn. Oh sun, oh sun, how I wish to be blinded by you and mourn when you no longer shine—" I trace the sun and moon on the ground beside me. "—Oh moon, oh moon, I wait for thee, scorching down on those who shame us. Oh moon, oh moon, how I wish to share the skies with you and emerge in love and bliss—"

"You were the last person I expected to see down here."

My fingers pause among the dust, and I lift my head at the beaten down and weak voice.

Adriel.

A wall separates us, and I can't see him, but when I'd first come in here, he'd still been unconscious. I turn my head to the side as if he can hear me better and breathe out, "You're awake."

His laugh sounds like a crackling fire hearth. "Since the moment you thought breaking down the walls would do something."

My lips pull into a pout, and I puff out some air, staring at what I'm surrounded by. It's futile for me to think I can escape. Luck rained on me when it came to getting Darius out, but I already had one opportunity to leave with him, and I didn't.

Now I have to deal with it.

Adriel takes in my silence, and a scrape following grunts like he's lifting himself against the wall echo out into the void. "It looks like you're still the queen's favorite if your only punishment is the dungeons."

I'm not sure what would be worse anymore.

"Maybe she's just *intrigued* by me," I mutter under my breath, raising my brows in sarcasm. When he chuckles again, I inhale sharply, figuring out there is no better time to wish for a time back where I could have prevented all of this.

Adriel's laugh fades into a wheezing cough before his following words come out hesitantly. "Did you... did you figure out it was Lorcan who bit me?"

Something sharp shatters through my heart. "I didn't want to believe it was him," I whisper, looking toward the floor. I wish it were all a lie.

"Neither did I," Adriel says. "Then it became clear why he'd done it."

I perk up with sudden attention. Despite Adriel unable to see me, I frown, twisting my head over my shoulder and talking straight to a brick wall. "Had the General not told him to do it?"

It's what I assumed. He'd killed my father at the General's command, a disturbing way for him to owe Erion.

"Why do you think the day after Oran and I grabbed you outside in the gardens, we were attacked? Your scent must have been on us."

The same night I first met Darius... While I'd fought him, Lorcan had attacked Adriel and Oran. He'd slowed down before we all left for the city and tensed as soon as he'd passed them. I shake my head. "But Oran—"

"Didn't make it," Adriel whispers, and the moment Venators had dragged them both back gnaws at me with every ounce of guilt. "I suppose it serves me right. We were horrible to you, and for what?" He sucks air through his teeth, and I imagine he's wincing. "Jealousy?"

"I forgave you," I say just above a whisper. Even with the sound of wails from other prisoners, it's a strange silence.

"You shouldn't have," he says when I no longer think he'd respond to me.

Words tangle in my throat. I want to tell him that though Oran didn't get a chance to live, everyone down here still does. *He* still does. I'd given the keys to Freya, but more Venators than usual were patrolling this time. It wouldn't be easy. None of it ever is and I'm beginning to think nothing will ever go right for me.

I shift to the side and exhale in despair when footsteps come from the stairs. Someone hangs a fire torch on the wall, and when the flames filter through the person's face, I see Lorcan. He looks at Adriel's cell, then mine, before he heads my way.

Scrambling off the floor, I rub the side of my arm and stare at him as he takes the next remaining steps. If it weren't for the bars, I'd lunge at him.

He lifts a slice of brown bread and passes it through the slit with a cautious glint in his eyes. "I brought you food," he says. "I thought you might be starving."

Normally yes, but the past few days' events have made me forget food altogether. Hunger is the last thing on my mind.

My face stays impassive as I grab it off him. He watches as I take a bite, not bothering to swallow and spit it back out at him. It hits the side of his cheek, and his jaw locks as he brushes the crumbs off. Childishly I then throw the other piece at him. This time it knocks from his chest to the floor, and he sighs, his lips pulling into a grimace.

"Nara, this is the last thing I wanted."

I let out an incredulous breath, shaking my head. "You should have thought about that when you lied to me over what kind of person you really are... the General has you in this tight hold that I just don't—"

He doesn't meet my eyes as he says solemnly, "He's the only one who's been there for me since I was fourteen."

He still trusts in him. "Been there for you?" I repeat, feeling whatever I say will go in vain. "He uses you as his weapon, Lorcan."

He goes quiet, and a wave of apprehension fills the dungeon. Maybe he does know, and maybe he doesn't want to admit it himself.

I sigh deeply, my eyes roaming every part of him until it stops at his hand. Heavily scarred, callous even upon my skin whenever he'd touch me. "Is that how he turned you?" I ask. Despite my feelings over what he's done, my question is gentle.

He looks at me, and I motion my chin to his hand. He lifts it, giving it a thorough stare before he nods. "Back when he could shift, he couldn't control it. I walked in here when he was trying to chain himself..." He lowers his arm, and it's like he can't finish the rest.

"And you were there at the wrong time," I conclude.

He nods again, tearing his gaze away.

It doesn't change anything. How as I look at him, all I can think is how he's the one who attacked us, attacked me.

"Tell me about your time with Darius when you were kids," I say, wanting to know where it all went so wrong. His eyes shoot up at me. A dark flicker of rage pulses through them, but I don't deter from it. "Please?"

It's enough of a beg for his gaze to soften and take a long deep breath. For a brief moment, I begin to think he won't say anything until... "We didn't have much growing up," he starts. "My father was turning blind, so I was always the one providing while Darius was never allowed to go out. But some days I would still sneak him out, and he'd be so fascinated by everything he'd end up stealing it."

An unwanted smile escapes me—a thief from the start.

"My father never liked that, though. He'd punish Darius far too often, but despite it all, Darius continued to rebel, seek anything that was fun to him, always telling me every single wish he'd have on Noctura night."

A twitch of a smile tugs on his lips before he masks it. How so much hatred stemmed from one thing, I won't understand. So, I bite my lip and ask the question I haven't been able to decipher since I'd found out. "Why did he kill your father?"

He exhales roughly from his nose as if he knew I'd ask that. "I—I don't know," he says, his gaze bleak and far away. "It was during spring and I'd been out the whole day, but when I came back, I found my father violently coughing up blood and in agonizing pain. He was holding onto his arm and saying, 'the dragon did it,' that I hadn't even realized Darius was peeking out from behind the wall at the far corner of the room until I'd looked up. And when I confronted him, he would only shake his head. I was so terrified, angry and—" His lips pinch together as he thinks of the word. "—Confused that I told him to leave. Still, his powers started getting out of control at that moment, burning everything, the walls, the tables... and while I managed to get my father out, it didn't take long for him to die in my arms from the bite."

I'm not sure what to say, what to think. They were so young back then. Brothers... A family that ended in tragedy. "And Darius?"

His gaze jumps back to me, empty. "He ran away."

Our eyes stay on one another, and I can tell there's more to it that he won't bother to explain.

"Have you considered that perhaps it wasn't all his fault?" I know it's something I shouldn't say when I wasn't there to witness it, and how before I'd easily believe Darius could do that for no reason at all other than he is a shifter. When Lorcan stares at me like he can't believe what I'm saying, I blurt out, "You had good memories together. He even seems—"

"Seems what, Nara?" His voice takes on a cruel edge before he shakes his head at my silence, and a muscle flickers under his jaw. "The General was right. Of course, you would defend him again."

I can only widen my eyes at him with disbelief. "Are you listening to yourself?" I throw him a look of frustration. "The General this, the General that... whatever lies and nonsense he's fed you, you accept them so easily."

His brows furrow, vexation sparks off him like he chooses not to think any differently.

"He tried to turn me into what you are." I approach the bars and clutch my hands around the cool steel. "And who is to say he won't come down here and try it again?"

"He wouldn't—" He releases a tense breath and amends his words. "I wouldn't let that happen to you." His hand reaches to touch mine around the bar. My first response is to jerk my hand back, but the rough touch of his fingers lingers on my skin like an unwanted presence.

His gaze turns pleading just like last night and how he'd mentioned he loved me. I step back even further, curling my fingers on my chest.

"If this is what your idea of love is supposed to be." My throat tightens the more we stare at each other, and I whisper, "Then I do not want it, nor will I ever accept it."

I spot the change in his eyes, the hurt flaring in them as his hand lowers from the bar. There's no need for me to say anything else because those words were enough to explain my thoughts, my feelings for it all.

He nods like it's the hardest movement he's ever had to do, and every look we share is enough to speak a thousand things.

*Just leave*, my gaze says, and he complies, pausing by the fire torch. He looks off to the side and clenches his fist before becoming nothing but a silhouette as he walks out.

"Word of advice, Ambrose?" Adriel says after a minute or so of me standing here, staring at the ember flames of the torch. I don't say anything back. "Unless it's Crello itself, don't fall in love."

His tone is a weak tease, maybe to make himself—make me feel better.

I close my eyes and hug my abdomen for comfort. My words are a soft timbre on my tongue. "I won't."


**Authors notes: Hey everyone! So close to the ending of book one! how scary and exciting at the same time haha can't wait to start sharing book two! I also wanted to mention that I have another story called Mortal Sin about angels, demons, forbidden romances all set in a modern world so if you feel like you would want to read that too, let me know :)
Rina x**