Chapter 23 The Expert
Emily told Byron about her friend’s relationship problem. It was a good partnership overall, but Pam and her boyfriend Mike had fallen into the boredom of routine, where nothing exciting happened.
“So how do I fit into the picture?” Byron asked, raising one dark eyebrow.
“Originally, I was going to talk to Mike,” Emily explained, “but it just occurred to me, maybe he should get another guy’s perspective. And you’re really good at keeping things exciting with your handwritten letters and champagne in the middle of the afternoon. You could give him some advice.”
“But he doesn’t even know me,” Byron objected, “Why would he take advice from someone who’s practically a stranger?”
“It’ll be okay, I’ll introduce you.”
Maybe it was the champagne talking, but Emily felt blissfully happy, and she wanted her best friend to be happy too.
“I know it might not be easy,” she said decisively, “but we have to try.”
Emily arranged to meet Mike after work the next day at a downtown cafe with a vaguely surfer and hipster ambiance. Byron sat beside her on a comfy couch. He wore a striped t-shirt with a sport coat for a more casual look. Emily wanted everything to be extremely relaxing to avoid spooking Mike.
Even so, when Mike arrived, he peered at them suspiciously through his glasses. He was a rational kind of guy, and naturally he found this meeting, which was supposed to be held in secret, a bit weird. But curiosity must have gotten the better of him.
“What was so secret that we had to meet here?” he asked, looking around in distaste.
Emily regretted the choice of venue. In her champagne-addled mind it had made more sense.
“Mike, this is Byron, my friend and associate,” Emily said, trying to sound business-like. “And I’m going to get to the issue in a moment. But first I must swear you to secrecy once again, and you have to promise that you won’t reveal to Pam what we’re about to discuss.”
Mike shook hands with Byron and sat down in a soft leather armchair.
“What is going on here?” he asked, “Have you guys joined some kind of cult?”
“First you have to promise,” Emily insisted.
“Okay, I promise. Sheesh.”
“Would you like some coffee? Tea?” Emily asked.
“Just tell me what you’re up to,” Mike said, getting impatient.
Emily took a deep breath. “This is an intervention.”
“What? I’m not on drugs,” Mike objected, “I never do drugs. They interfere with my thinking process.”
“I know,” Emily said, “this is a relationship intervention.”
“Oh my God, is Pam breaking up with me?” Mike cried, jumping out of his chair.
“Mike, calm down,” Byron said in a commanding voice, “Nobody is breaking up with you, if you do exactly as we say.”
Emily was impressed by the way he took control. Maybe this was a side of Byron she had never seen before. The flirty charmer was gone, replaced by a no-nonsense businessman.
“Who are you again?” Mike asked.
“It doesn’t matter who I am,” Byron said. They had agreed not to divulge his full name in order to avoid any unpredictable outcomes, or for Mike to be distracted by the fact that he was talking to a billionaire. “I’m going to ask you some questions, and we’ll figure out an action plan.”
“Okay...” Mike looked uncertain about the proceedings, and who could blame him?
“When was the last time you surprised your girlfriend with a gift?” Byron asked in a dry tone, as if discussing financial figures.
“I don’t know... Valentine’s day.”
“Okay, so that was months ago,” Emily noted.
“When did you last go on a romantic date?” Byron continued.
“Does getting lunch from Lenny’s Takeout count as romantic?” Mike asked.
“I think you’ve just answered your own question,” Byron said. “I’m not even going to ask you when was the last time you had sex because clearly it’s been ages, judging by how tense you are.”
“What are you, some kind of councilor?” Mike queried suspiciously.
“Yeah,” Byron said nonchalantly. “Although I’m seeing you in my spare time so nothing I say constitutes legal or medical advice.”
Emily nearly burst out laughing but pretended to take a long swig of coffee.
“Have I seen you somewhere before?” Mike asked.
“No,” Byron said firmly. “Now, do you see why we’ve asked you to come here?”
“All right, it’s true,” Mike said, crumpling and holding his lowered head in his hands, “I haven’t been a good boyfriend lately. But there was nothing I could do: work has been brutal in the last few months. People are getting laid off at our company, and I think I might be next any day. I’ve been working twelve hour days just to prove I’m a necessary part of the team. I don’t have time for romance.”
“Well, I think we’ve found the problem,” Byron said in the same professional voice, “What kind of work is it you do exactly?”
“I’m a software developer,” Mike groaned.
“Don’t go anywhere,” Byron commanded, “I’m going to make a few phone calls.”
