36. Into the Douchebag’s Head

"Why in the world didn't you let May Wilder kidnap you?"
I made a face at Ian, who was in the chair to my left with a cup of hot chocolate he conjured up in his uninjured hand. Arius hadn't invited him to eat from the table and I had a feeling Ian wouldn't have even if he had.
"What, did you want me to go with her?" I asked.
He shrugs. "If you had, we all know where you'd be by now. Paris, eating baguettes along with whatever fancy crap French people eat and maybe you might've fallen in love with a man who likes to twirl his mustache."
Arius looked at Ian. "Twirl his mustache?"
Ian nodded solemnly. "It's a thing."
I kicked him under the table and he jumped hard enough to splash some of his drink on his sweater, which was mostly him being dramatic. "If I had run, I wouldn't be considered a member of the pack and Alpha would've only waited for me to come back. He already waited two years, remember?"
"I know," Ian sighed. "I was just trying to picture a scenario where you didn't get hurt. Go on with the story."
I gave him a tender pat on the shoulder, then continued. "Okay, so after I told May I was staying, she kind of called Kane a jerk and stormed out of the house. Kane left the room and by the time I got back to the ballroom the whole pack was under Alpha's control. He threw Helen on the floor, made a dramatic entrance and went into a rant about karma or something." I pursed my lips, trying to remember. "He thought I'd done what he asked and was going to join his pack and leave Kane behind. The ultimate betrayal I guess."
Ian snorted.
"But you didn't." Arius stated. "Why?"
I shrugged, folding my hands in my lap. "I didn't want to be saved by anyone. I wanted- I want to make my own way with my own strength."
Arius smiled, a small twitch of the lips really, but a smile.
"Go on, Em," Ian prompted.
"He went ballistic when he thought I'd went back on my word because I was in love with Kane and then Jett tried to stop him but he just threw him across the room like a rag doll. Are you sure he's okay?"
"As fine as a peach."
I nodded, relieved. "I realized by then that he was crazy and all of us were pretty much going to die so I made a deal with Alpha, he agreed to it then stabbed me in the throat-" I laughed at the shock on Ian's face. "But I woke up a while later and both Kane and Alpha were rampaging through the house. Kane had apparently put on his own ring but it was messing him up-"
"Messing him up even more, you mean," Ian added.
I considered him. "Will you stop with the disses and let me finish?"
"Sorry, it's a reflex, I'll fight it."
The rest didn't include Kane much, so I told it without any more interruptions. I sort of wished for one anyway, the words started to come out shaky when I told them what happened on the roof. But Arius didn't express any emotion and I felt it would be pathetic to break down so I steeled myself through it. The end was easier, and faster. Funny how telling what happened lasted little more than thirty minutes when living through it felt like an eternity.
When I was done I thought Ian might do something rash like attack Arius- with the way he was frowning at him- but he only put down his hot chocolate and gave him a nod.
"Again, I'm sorry for your loss. If I can help Ember repay her debt to you in any way, I will do it."
Arius shook his head. "You two wouldn't last half an hour in the fae lands."
***
What are you?
Kane's wolf blinked at me. We're yours.
I snorted. "Flattery won't get you anywhere with me, big guy."
Realization dawned on me and I clamped a hand over my mouth, glanced around to see if anyone was around. Luckily not. Arius was out scoping the area for the ugly things we saw last night in case they got too close to our cozy cabin.
"A good sunburn will finish them off," he'd assured me when I asked how he'd kill them if he didn't know how to fight.
I had no idea what that meant, but I figured he could take care of himself so I dropped it. He wasn't the only one out burning things though, Ian went out a few minutes ago to burn Alpha's remains. Something about cleansing evil energy before it became even more corrupted and affected the environment. He also needed to retrieve the ring, it couldn't be used by anyone that didn't have Caldwell blood but better safe than sorry, right?
I stayed behind, mostly because none of their errands were something I wanted to partake in, and because I wanted to speak with the wolf who apparently only I could see.
Are you his ghost? I asked. Not because I believed it, but to get him to correct me and tell me the truth.
Does the thought scare you? That we might be dying?
Are you his ghost? I snapped.
He tilted his head to the side in a pacifying manner. No. I'm able to appear before you because there is a more stable equilibrium between you two. You could say I'm mate-sitting while our human part sleeps.
I chewed on my lip, processing this. He said I could see him because I'm on better terms with Kane. Thanks to him giving my memories back, I knew there could be something good between us, but those memories were constantly being overshadowed by those other years when he acted like I was a stale piece of gum that kept clinging to the soles of his shoes. It was like I was constantly seeing two of him, both with different personalities and I'd known the bad part longer than the good one. Enough that the better one seemed like a phony. A hoax.
I don't know what to feel.
He sleeps. The wolf spoke, pulling me out of my emotional turmoil. I have uninhibited access to his head. Do you want to have a peek inside?
"A peek inside-" I stopped.
A peek inside Kane's head? I finished.
The wolf nodded an affirmative.
I don't think he'd be thrilled by that...
No, he wouldn't.
I raised a brow. Then why are you offering?
The grin came slowly, his tongue dangling from sharp teeth, tail wagging. He looked like a friendly puppy that would happily lick you...and possibly eat you afterwards, bones and all.
I'm the wiser one, he simply stated.
I laughed, reached out to run my fingers through his soft fur. Okay, take me into the douchebag's head.
There wasn't any prelude, everything just went black - but it didn't feel like I was losing conscious, more like I could see one moment, and the next I couldn't. And then I was back to being able to see again. But it wasn't my eyes I was seeing through anymore.

**Past**

"Pssst!"
I stopped walking, turned towards the voice (one that was lately becoming increasingly hard to get out of my head) expectantly. She was leaning forwards from a corner of the school's building, waving at me, eyes bright and slightly nervous.
Nervous I would ignore her? Or nervous I'd listen and go over to her?
I couldn't tell, she always looked nervous, like she was waiting for something bad to happen. It made some sense to be cautious, I guess. She was an omega and teenage werewolves could be cruel, could possibly even be bullying her.
I walked over to her, devising ways to find out if anyone was picking on her, and the terror they were going to go through when I found them.
I stepped into the alley, staring down at her curiously. Yesterday in the restaurant had been the first time we'd spoken for a lengthy amount of time but just like her voice, the sight of her was familiar. Calming and rattling at the same time. I moved closer, watched her scramble backwards with hidden amusement. Her long athletic legs were covered in navy blue jeans and she wore a gray sweatshirt with stains on the front that looked like purple paint. Her braids were a black curtain around most of her face as usual, and although I liked what I could see, I wanted to see more of it.
"-are you listening to me?"
I met her gaze, felt that sudden urge again- pull her into my arms and maybe just keep her there for the rest of forever- but folded my arms over my chest instead, leaned against the wall. "What is it, beautiful?"
She wrinkled her nose. "Flattery won't work on me."
"Right," I drawled, not needing to tell her how easy it was to smell a lie. Her heartbeat had picked up the moment I was next to her. "What were you saying?"
She studied me cautiously. "I said I was making sure we were still going down to the stream after school?"
I frowned. "You have someplace to go?"
She held up her hands and I noticed they also had a bit of paint on them. "No, no. I only wanted to know if you still wanted to go."
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Would you stop answering my questions with questions?"
"What do you mean?"
She puffed out a long suffering breath, but I saw both relief and laughter glittering in her eyes. "I'll see you after school," she rushed out, and hurried away, hair streaming behind her like smooth plaited water.
There was a flicker and suddenly I was back in my head- and then plunging right back into his again.
His knives were never dull.
But then again, he was always sharpening them. I watched him do it. It was a sort of ritual for us: morning arrives, the door swings open- allowing a bit of the hallway light in before being snuffed out again when he kicks it closed. A very accurate metaphor for the situation I was in.
I could see him move in the dark beneath swollen lids (my body was more preoccupied with keeping the cuts closed and blood inside me rather than dealing with bruises). I swallowed, throat raw from growling all of yesterday. And the day before that.
Alpha strolled over to the metal desk, picked up the butcher knife. It wasn't a normal knife, not with those dark coils of smoke coating the slicing edges, sinister and thirsty for blood.
Not the first time, I think: Is that what he killed his father with?
"I'm going to kill you."
He began sharpening the knife. "You're very repetitive, you know that? But go on ahead and try, I'll kill you and then maybe I'll go find someone else to play with. Hey, maybe I should let you go and put Ember in your place? Or maybe my sweet aunt?"
I closed my eyes, marveling at the incredulous of all this. My quiet cousin who loved flowers and went to bed at exactly eight PM every night was holding me hostage in his basement and torturing me.
His footsteps echoed off the cool walls, and then came the next part of the ritual: the whispering.
"Don't look at me that way, Kane. I didn't mean to kill him. All I wanted was to prove to him that I was worthy of being his son, but when I put on the ring this beautiful thought came to me, you see. I thought about it- how it'd feel like. His blood soaking my palms or better yet, his throat bent submissively, begging for my mercy! And I wanted to see it, wanted to smell it-" He laughed, now very close. "Here you are as well, my dominant, capable cousin at my mercy. Life's good. Cruel, but only when you're on the receiving end. Life is-"

** Present**

"Get out."
I jerked forward, nearly falling out of my chair. The cabin was silent and Kane's wolf was gone. The light outside the window was still bright so I probably hadn't been out for long. The fire crackled in the quiet space. He was awake, I knew he was. I got up tentatively, walked towards the couch.
"If it's pity that's bringing you towards me and not away for once, then stay away."
The tone was stone cold, but it only made me hesitate for a second. I stalked over to the couch, crawled on top of him and grabbed his chin firmly in my hand.
He stared up at me, startled.
It was time to set things straight.