13

Gage
Everything about her was alluring.
As she spoke to me, I could barely focus on the words being said once they left her mouth. My lips parted as I gazed at her, my heart missing beats.
Her enchanting eyes twinkled as they directly gazed into mine, a sweet smile on her kind face. Her skin was completely flawless and shone even when the sun wasn't out.
As she smiled and laughed, I couldn't help but smile too at her contagious actions.
Her beautiful face and toned cleavage could win anyone over.
One thing remained in my mind and would never go away whenever I saw her.
It controlled my hands and body. Suddenly I was moving forwards quickly, her glimmering eyes looking up at me in surprise.
My hands cupped her face and without any hesitation, my lips crashed onto hers and slowly, thankfully, her hands slid up, wrapping around my neck as she kissed me back.
Rose
Oh my gosh
We're kissing
I'm kissing Gage
Gage is kissing me
Why are we kissing?
Why can't I stop?
He could though. He pulled away, looking into my eyes. "Shit," he whispered, his eyes expanding as he looked at me in astonishment.
"Gage," I whispered back, about to reassure him but he turned, going under the ropes and leaving the boxing ring.
I exhaled silently, my arms wrapping around myself.
What do you want Rose?
That night, I felt ill.
My mind was blank; where there should be dream was heavy blackness. I lay as if asleep until my side was painful and I had shift to my back or other side. In the hours I had been in bed I must have woken up five times. Not once did I feel sleepy.
Am I slut?
I'm a slut
A two timer
A home wrecker
I must be if everyone's always telling me that
Every guy I dated
Men
Ex friends
Even strangers
. . .dad. . .
I'm a slut
I'm a slut; I can't even control my feelings between two guys
The negative inner voice chastised me, the longer I lie in that bed the more I worried and felt sick.
I wanted to let go, to count sheep and relax, but soon the sheep are telling me what could go horribly wrong because of my stupid decisions.
My mind flickered back to the past, those horrible pills in my cupboard in my small apartment. I should've taken them - no. I didn't need them. . .did I? Did I need to go back to the doctor? No, I didn't need chemicals - that was what I told myself.
I swallowed hard, bile rising in my throat - no. I wasn't going to do it. The long minutes dragged into even longer hours but I refused to look at the clock to see that it had only been half an hour since I had woken up again or time was only slowly passing.
I feel sick
I feel sick
I feel sick
I feel sick
My throat and mouth was dry - dehydration. My head was spinning with awful thoughts and my stomach continued to knot as I struggled to not constantly worry about ridiculous things.
Fire was burning in me, my skin heating up and my lips chapped, so dry. I let out shallow breaths, my forehead dripping with sweat.
Oh goodness it's getting worse
'Slut'
Sick
'Ew'
Sick
'Ugly'
Sick
'Die'
Sick
'Mama'
Sick
Then suddenly, I was on my feet, my legs moving as fast as I could to the bathroom, my hand reaching out to yank the door open, slamming it behind me as I managed to lift the toilet seat, purging everything out.
My stomach kept on contracting violently and forcing everything up and out. My face was dripping bile, sweat, and tears. I lurched forward and sunk to my knees, crying as I let out digested contents of my stomach.
Vomiting was already a nasty thought but actually seeing it only made it worse. It bursted from my throat, practically choking me. Hot tears spilled from my eyes as the horrible stench filled my nostrils and I struggled to stop sobbing.
'That's 50 lashes, Rose'
'Keep talking and you'll get a lash'
"Only naughty girls get whipped'
Scars.
Rips.
Lines.
Stop screaming!
Who's screaming?
Why does it hurt?
Stop!
The pungent stench invaded my nostrils and I heaved even though there was nothing left to go.
Paralysed
Naked
Screaming
No!
Just stop!
Help!
"Rose!"
"Rose!"
"Rose! Baby, please! Open the door!"
"Rose! Rose! Don't do anything stupid! Just please, open the door!"
I covered my ears, the palms of my hands pressing against my ears, desperate to stop hearing the loud noises.
My breaths came out in gasps and I felt like I would pass out. My heart was hammering inside my chest and the room spun. In my head, I was trying to make everything slow to something my brain and body can cope with. But nothing was working.
Why couldn't I breathe?
I didn't understand what was wrong with me.
Was I dying?
My hand went to my chest, where my heart was rapidly beating. It grew more urgent, more desperate. Why couldn't I breathe?
Someone help!
Help!
My body was screaming for air, begging for oxygen and I wanted to give my lungs the healthy air but I couldn't. An invisible hand choked me, stopping me from breathing.
I was panting, tears rolling down my cheeks as I struggled to keep myself calm.
Come on, Rose!
Breathe
1
2
3
1
2
3
With each exhale, I began to calm myself, counting although I found it hard to concentrate. Soft pants left my mouth as did whimpers and I tried my hardest to regain strength and oxygen.
My head was spinning and my heart was burning, my lungs finally getting their dose of oxygen.
My shivering hands went to my face, covering and wiping the tears that were rolling down my sweaty cheeks.
I exhaled, sniffing as I squeezed my eyes closed, once again, sighing slowly, my rapid heart rate decreasing.
It's been a long time since I had one of those
"Rose! Open the door before I break it down!"
Oh shit
"N-No!" I stammered, my voice cracking as I spoke, panicking. "D—Don't do that, please! Please don't do that! I-I'm okay - please! Don't! J-Just stop banging or everyone will hear - please stop."
He listened, silence on the other side. "Rose, open the door please," he softly asked, his voice so sweet and kind, filled with concern.
"Okay. ." I replied, sniffing. "I will but I just need to clean up, okay? I'm fine, please stop worrying. Just hold on."
I didn't even know where to start.
I tackled the toilet first, flushing and using cleaning products to clean up before mopping and spraying the floor, cleaning that up too.
I then moved to the sink, brushing my teeth and cleaning my face with water and some soap, wanting to get rid of the stench.
When I was done, I exhaled slowly in nervousness before unlocking the bathroom door and stepping out, noticing him sitting on the ground, his back to the wall.
I swiftly moved to the door but he held my wrist, pulling me back so powerfully that I twirled backwards, falling into his arms. I held onto him to I wouldn't fall but managed to stand up, my eyes locking with his.
"R - mmh-"
I pressed my lips against his, my body close to his as I wrapped my arms around his neck, surprising him.
Then I pulled away briefly, keeping a small smile on my face. "I'm okay," I whispered, caressing his cheek softly as I met his hazel eyes, smiling. "You don't have to worry about me."
He blinked a few times. "What happened?"
I shook my head, still smiling. "I'm fine. I just need some air," I softly replied, turning and going to my wardrobe, picking out some loose trousers and slipping them on, tucking my dress in. I picked up a hoodie and slipped it on.
"What are you doing?" Cristiano asked, walking over. "I just need to take a walk," I told him, pulling my hair into a loose ponytail.
"At this time? No, Rose, can you please come back to bed? We can talk."
"We can," I said, facing him properly, my eyes filled with tiredness. "We can. But it's not gonna change the fact that every single time I close my eyes and put my head on that damn pillow, I can't sleep. Then I keep thinking and thinking," I continued, my voice wavering as I spoke, beginning to crack.
"And when I think," I told him, my eyes filled with tears as I looked at Cristiano, his face softening. "I feel sick and-and I just need some air and I'll be fine. I just need a break. It's hours before daylight. I'm not gonna sleep."
He looked at me and pulled me to his bare chest, letting me hug him. He softly placed a kiss on my forehead and I tightly hugged him, squeezing my eyes closed as I tried not to cry.
I don't cry
No crying, Rose
A knock on the door interrupted us.
"Hey, I heard some noises - is everything alright?"
It was Gage.
Cristiano pulled away, lifting my chin so I met his attractive eyes once more. "At least take Gage with you."
I hesitated before nodding, knowing that he would never let me go out at night alone. I lifted myself onto my tip toes and kissed his cheek before turning and opening the door.
"Hi," I quietly said, looking at Gage who was only wearing a some loose trousers. "Mind coming with me on a walk?"
~~~