21. Farrel

Caleb spent the next few minutes happily washing his mate with the floral-scented soap. He cared little about the feminine scent as he washed. Emmalyn was exhausted once they were spent and she happily let him tend to her. She smiled at him, not used to such attention. But she didn’t want to ask him to stop, not that she thought he would, anyway. She had a feeling he wanted and enjoyed doing this for her. He dried her vigorously afterward, getting as much moisture from her as he could so she would not be cold, urged her back into one of his thick shirts, then lifted her into his arms for the run back to camp. When they arrived, the fire was burning high, and the smell of roasting venison filled the clearing. Farrel was crouched down, tending to the spit that had part of a carcass of deer on it. Though he was hesitant, he flicked a glance up to Emmalyn once the pair moved near him.

“I’ll watch her if you want to hunt,” he murmured, directing his offer to Caleb. The younger wolf grinned slightly as he set Emmalyn down on the tarp laid out for her. Emmalyn’s eyes found Farrel right away, and she noticed he said nothing to her. Maybe he was mad after all. He only spared her a fleeting glance before Caleb set her down on the tarp.

“Are you going to be alright here for a little while? I’m starving.”

 “I’ll be fine,” she said, giving him a soft smile. “Go do what you need to. I’ll be here when you get back.” She gave him a soft kiss on his lips before pulling the tarp tight around her. She was nervous, but Farrel knew that already without her having to say anything. She knew Farrel wouldn’t hurt her, but she didn’t know what to say to him. So, she sat there with her head lowered.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Caleb promised.

He peppered her face with several more kisses before he tore himself away and sprinted from the clearing without a backward glance. Apparently, whatever Farrel was thinking didn’t bother him in the slightest. Emmalyn watched him go, her mate. She smiled at the thought, still loving the implications that brought. She already missed him and knew he would know. There was a silence broken only by the sizzling of fat hitting the embers of the fire under the deer for nearly five full minutes. Farrel did not move. His back to her, bare from the waist up. He had used up his stockpile of shirts within two days, two sacrificed to her. But he seemed not to notice the cold.

She looked back at the fire, watching the meat cook. With each passing minute, her apprehension grew. She shifted a bit on the tarp, hearing the snow under her crunch. Emmalyn watched his back, the way the shadows played across the muscles. She didn’t like it, how he sat there ignoring her. But, from what Caleb had told her, he was still punishing himself for what had happened. As the tension continued to mount in her, he suddenly shifted. It was a subtle motion, turning him to his side as he reached back and gripped the edge of the tarp. He pulled, dragging her along the packed snow until she was beside him, still a safe distance from the fire. Farrel sat back then, settling on the ground by her head, and gently brushed his hand along the still damp hair.

“You’re doing better,” he murmured, studying her closely.

 It surprised her when he reached back and pulled the tarp, and her, towards him. When he moved back towards her, she moved to snuggle close to him. She justified it to herself that she was just cold, but it was more than that. Emmalyn had to know he wasn’t mad at her. “I’m fine.” She whispered. “I’ve missed you.” 

A lump rose in her throat when she admitted it out loud. She had to ask because she had to know. 

“Are you mad at me? About Caleb?” She asked, getting straight to the point.

“No.” He did not hesitate to give his answer, and his voice was clear of any underlying emotion. When she tried snuggling closer, he gently pulled her in close enough for her to rest her head on his lap and tugged the edge of the tarp up to keep her tucked in and warm. “I am concerned about how the elders will react to you being claimed, though I cannot find it in me to be upset by it. They cannot kill you now.”

“I didn’t want to cause trouble. I don’t want to get him or any of you in trouble.” She said softly, yawning a bit. Her stomach rumbled again, but she ignored it for now.

When her stomach growled, he shifted forward, reaching to test the venison for the most cooked parts, then tore off several strips. They burned his fingers, turning the paler flesh on the pads red though he seemed not to notice. He sat back once more, palm full of as many morsels as it could contain, and brought the first down to her lips with the same tender care he had shown her the first night. Farrel smiled faintly down at her, slipping a few stray strands of her dark hair back behind her ear. His hand continued down her neck and lifted the collar of Caleb’s shirt to examine the bite marks left on her. “He has a great deal of control to mark you without killing you.”

She was visibly relieved as he pulled her in close, her head resting on his muscular legs. She sighed softly, moving a bit to get comfortable. Her cheek rubbed against his leg as he moved her hair behind her ear and his fingers moved over her skin. 

“It still hurts, it comes and goes though.” She whispered, her voice showing signs of sleepiness. “Is that why you didn’t? Because you thought it might kill me?” She asked, her voice trailing off a bit.

“My... venom is what he called it, is stronger. Even if I showed the same restraint as him and did not tear your arm apart, it is too dangerous to risk poisoning you,” he explained reasonably. “The wound will most likely burn more as the flesh reconnects. The venom making the seal for the scar always burns. Even to wolves.”

Emmalyn couldn’t help but smile and open her mouth, nibbling on the meat as he hand feed her. She kept her hands and arms under the blanket where they would be warm. Emmalyn chewed the food as she listened to him. She swallowed and nodded a bit, letting him know she understood.“That’s a very logic reason,” she said, understanding his reasons had nothing to do with any feelings he may have for her. “How long does it normally take to heal?” She asked him softly. “I feel… strange, not letting it heal faster.”

“Wolves heal faster than humans. Usually, it’s healed by the next morning, but I cannot say how long it will work with you,” he responded.

Farrel frowned at himself. He couldn’t supply her with a better answer. Wordlessly, he fed her another bite, watching as he chewed and tenderly ran his thumb across her bottom lip. He lifted it to his mouth, sucking off the flavor of cooked meat and her with it; a low groan barely being smothered between his teeth. She let him finish feeding her the remaining meat that he had in his hand for her. She watched him though, watched the expressions as they played along his face. It was almost as if nothing had changed between them, other than someone else claiming her, that is. Once his hand was once more empty and she was hopefully full, he cleaned his hands in the snow before touching her again, letting his fingers thread through her hair. She snuggled close to him as Farrel ran his fingers through her hair. It felt soothing and helped her relax even more.

 She furled her brows together. “I can’t… feel Caleb anymore. Is that normal?” She asked softly, a bit unsettled that all the new sensations she was feeling had stopped.

At her question, Farrel’s gaze became unfocused and his own brows knit together in concentration. His head tilted slightly as if he was listening to something. After a moment or two, he shook his head and continued combing his fingers slowly through her locks. “He says it’s because his wolf’s mind can’t connect with your human one. He’s fine though. You’ll be able to sense him once he’s changed again.”

She smiled, understanding why she couldn’t feel him anymore. It made sense to her. “Thank you,” she said softly, “for checking in on him for me. I was worrying.” She admitted as she looked up at him. All of this was so new to her… but not at the same time. She didn’t really know how to explain it.

“His thoughts of you are... odd to me,” he admitted after the long silence. “I don’t fully understand human emotions and they cloud him under his instincts.”

She turned to roll onto her back to look up at him as her head remained on his thigh. “What seems so odd to you?” She asked, not sure how to explain what she didn’t know he was unclear on.

He was silent for a minute, considering how he could explain his confusion. Words were not his forte after all. “The love. I don’t understand it. He is happy near you, but it is more than that. As if there are a million emotions playing at once, I can’t pick them apart.”

“I don’t really know how to explain love.” She said as she looked up at him, “It’s really a few emotions all wrapped into one.” 

She closed her eyes and thought for a moment, then spoke with her eyes remaining closed. 

“It starts out with caring about someone, more than you care about yourself. It’s their wellbeing and happiness means more to you than anything else.”

She slowly opened up her eyes and looked at him. “But then it grows into more than that. There’s a respect that comes with it too, as well as happiness and joy. There’s the ache of being apart from that person, the fear of losing them.”

She shook her head a bit. “I don’t know if I’m making any sense.”

Farrel listened to her explanation, making sense out of what he could. Emotions were so secondary to his nature he couldn’t believe what she was saying. That emotion could hold her to Caleb so completely and he to her. He could feel the connection between them, and it was strong. Part of him expected it to result from Caleb’s venom touching the magic in her blood. That would have made sense to him. But when she spoke of respect and aching, he frowned deeply as he thought that over. He ached for her plenty, but it was a physical need. He doubted it applied to human love. Did he care more about her than himself? That was a given. He always put his pack ahead of his own needs. It was a lot for him to take in.

“You mentioned to him you didn’t want to hurt me. Why would you think that?”

She swallowed. That was going to be a hard question to answer. Or maybe she was just making it hard. Perhaps it was much simpler than she originally thought. She looked up at him, trying to find the best words to explain the complex emotions and feelings.“For humans, when you care deeply about someone, you don’t mate with anyone else.” She said, deciding to use his terms for some things. “If you mate with someone that isn’t that person you care about and that cares about you, you hurt them.” She moved to sit up, wincing when she used the arm with the injured shoulder. She moved closer to him, trying to stay warm and hold the tarp close. 

“I care about you, Farrel. I care about you more than you know, and probably more than even I know. And I don’t know if you care about me the same way. I didn’t want to risk hurting you by mating with Caleb, but he felt right to me.”

This time, Farrel took her information and fed it to Caleb to get a better explanation. Love was, apparently, the way humans marked each other. How they laid claim. He winced when Caleb quickly corrected him. Love knew no bounds and, therefore, wasn’t meant to bind anyone. Further, he added to the fact that humans took sex as an intimate act to show their love. To Farrel, it all sounded like humans liked to complicate everything good. In the end, no matter how many explanations he got, he was still confused. He shook his head in frustration, then carefully reached under the tarp to grip her waist and lifted her from it to place her on his lap. The heat of him was plenty enough without the need of her covering.

“You did not hurt me. To my kind, mating is a part of pack life. It’s a need we do not suppress if we do not have to. You aroused me and you still do. I care enough to take your needs into consideration.”His hand slowly slid along her arm, keeping it warm under the thick sleeve of her mate’s shirt.

“Your love is much like how true mates feel, more intense I suppose. Mates accept each other with no questions. I can sense from Caleb that he does not take you for granted.”

 She wasn’t the least bit surprised when he lifted her up and put her on his lap. She felt comfortable there, and she knew that if Caleb didn’t like her being there, he would tell Farrel. Even though she couldn’t talk to her mate, he could. She leaned against him, her cheek on his chest. He cared about her in his own way. She couldn’t ask for anything more than that. She wouldn’t even ask for that, but he cared without her asking.“I’m glad I didn’t hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you. It’s not a physical pain that we feel with that kind of hurt. It’s no less intense, but there are no physical marks.” She snuggled up against him and yawned big. She closed her eyes and murmured something softly. 

“Please tell Caleb to be careful…” she said with a soft smile.

She didn’t need to say it; she knew she didn’t need to say it. Caleb wouldn’t take it, as she thought he had less than stellar hunting abilities, only that she worried for him when he was gone.

Farrel only peered at her curiously when she made her request, then gave a firm nod. He lowered his head, brushing a kiss across her forehead, inhaling her scent that was now laced with the familiar mineral and evergreen aroma of home.

“He knows,” he whispered to her softly and held her until she fell asleep.