No More Daydreams

**BLANCA**
My jaw clenches. *Is he really asking me that? After I killed a man for raping my sister? Does he really think I would just go along?*
"I'm only asking because I need to make sure that they *knew* that you didn't want-"
"I said, no," I snap. "Repeatedly, Alpha. I even begged. I..." My throat clogs and I have to stop speaking for fear of crying.
Max tilts his head slightly, almost as if my answer shocks him. "You begged?" he says tightly and I nod. "Did you... did you fight them?"
*Damn you, Max.* My eyes snap shut as the memory of the first time surfaces and I practically feel it happening all over again - Frank backhanding me and punching me in the stomach, then Frank slamming my head into the stone floor and knocking me out cold. By the time I came to, he was already inside of me and it was too late to save myself. "Yes. I fought them."
"I see," Max whispers harshly.
"Can we drop this now, please?" I manage to ask, opening my eyes only to stare at the ground.
"For now," Max agrees, clearing his throat. "But not forever."
Chuckling humorlessly, I begin to get a little mad. "And why not? I'd rather forget about it and I can't do that if you're constantly bringing it up."
"You're not going to be able to forget about it, Blanca," he says quietly. "*I'm* not going to be able forget about it."'
I snort, "It happened to *me*, *not* to *you*! I shouldn't be made to relive it over and over again just to satisfy your curiosity!" Then I snicker and say in my most sarcastic voice, "Then again, you keep saying that I am yours to punish. Maybe *that's* why you refuse to let me forget."
His gaze narrows angrily. "*You are* mine to punish and that's a fact, but I'm not a sadistic bastard."
"Are you sure about that, Alpha?" I can't help but ask. "Is your refusal to reject me part of this '*non-sadistic* punishment?"
A dimple flashes as he grants me a half smile. "Most would think *rejecting* you would be the punishment. Not the other way around."
"Well, I don't agree. If you were to reject me, I could possibly find a *new* mate one day. One that might not even care that I'm Shiftless. If you don't, I'm forced to live alongside you unaccepted, but never rejected. Forced to watch as you claim someone else as your mate. I'd have to see you hugging her, holding her, kissing her"-I swallow thickly as a bout of sadness tries to climb up my throat-"I'd have to watch you build a life together. All the while, leaving me unaccepted and forever without a mate. I don't imagine *any* of that will feel particularly good. Seems kind of *sadistic* to *me*, but what do I know - I'm just an unworthy Shiftless killer."
"I told you I would reject you once I have an heir with my new Luna," Max says thoughtfully.
"Actually no, you didn't. You said you *couldn't* reject me until then. You *never* said that you would."
Max sighs tiredly and drops his body onto the long sofa that is set perpendicular to the one I am leaning against. "Well I'm saying that now!" Max rubs his temple as if trying to disperse a headache, his glorious body stretched out in front of him as if he's contemplating taking a nap.
I don't relent, pushing away from the loveseat and taking a seat on the arm of the couch, next to his booted feet. "Why? Why do I have to wait until then? That doesn't make sense, Alpha. It sounds like a lie you're just telling me to get me to stop asking." My eyes snap to his and the steady focus of his gaze on me makes my cheeks heat.
"It does make sense," he insists. "You may not be aware of this because you've spent a good deal of your life living alone in a prison, but pregnancy is not always a possibility for a mate that is chosen and not fated. More often than not, it's extremely difficult for a chosen mate to bear children. It can sometimes take years. Even when the chosen mate is exceptionally fertile."
My ears perk up as I process this new information. *I fail to see how that should mean I have to wait for my rejection.* "Okay. So what?" I snark.
Max takes a deep breath, standing from the couch to step forward until he's just shy of a foot away from me. He peers down at me, holding my gaze. "Fated mates are a shoo in for motherhood. They get pregnant almost immediately unless they're using some form of contraception." His eyes study my face intensely before freezing on my lips. "Whether they have been accepted, or whether they have not."
That's when it hits me and all the ridiculous little private fantasies I've been entertaining of him disintegrate into thin air. In the most guarded part of my mind, lies the belief that Max is as affected by the mate bond as I am. *That* belief has given birth to a variety of different scenarios for why Max refuses to reject me. For why he *demands* that I not reject *him*. They are what have kept the remaining pieces of my already broken heart from cracking away completely. I had thought maybe Max was secretly biding his time while trying to find some way that he could claim me and have the pack accept me as his Luna. Then I contemplated the possibility of him needing to first come to terms with the indisputable truth that his brother was a rapist and his hatred for me is misguided. Somewhere in there as well, is the one that is probably the most embarrassing now that I know how wrong it is. I had hoped that maybe he was planning to accept me all along, but just couldn't do it until he was certain I hadn't already given myself to anyone else. Now I know that the anger he displayed when he smelled Frank and Talbot on me the night we met didn't come from a place of jealousy at all. No. It was probably spawned from a deeply rooted belief that a killer like myself doesn't deserve to be loved. Not ever. Not in any way, shape, or form.
As it turns out, I am a fool. I should never have romanticized *any* of those things. Because now I know the truth is exactly what he said it was when he told it to me the first time. The reason he refuses to reject me is as plain as the nose on my face, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept.
Recoiling from his nearness, I bound backward off the arm of the couch and close my arms around myself for comfort. "I see," I whisper, dragging in a ragged breath. This time when the tears come, I allow them to collect. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
Max walks toward me slowly, almost as if he's afraid he'll scare me off. I shrug that misconception away immediately. "Probably. I thought I made myself pretty damn clear."
*He doesn't give two shits about me.*
*No more unhealthy thoughts. No more daydreams Blanca!*
"You want to keep me around just in case you need me to give you an heir, correct?" When I say it out loud it hurts that much more and I end up tipping my head down so that my hair will shield me from his eyes.
"Not exactly," he states, stopping his convergence another measly ten inches from where I'm standing. "I want to keep you around, because I sentenced you to a life of servitude. Regardless of when I reject you. You will remain my slave until your dying breath."
*Moon Goddess, if this is a test, I'm warning you now - I am going to fail it.*