「22」Weird Confession (3)

SIDAPA


“THAT bear must be its mother. She was just trying to protect her young!” Libulan defended.

That said, the bear that almost attacked Libulan and me was very anxious. But she chose to display a brave front in order to hide the presence of her little one. I stopped using my powers and didn’t do anything that would agitate the mother bear anymore. When she realized that I was no longer a threat, she went back to her baby and they took off.

After that, Libulan came running to me and hugged me. “I thought you were going to leave me alone for good,” he cried.

“Huh?” I frowned. “Libulan, you’re—”

“Do you hate me, Sidapa?” he asked, and lifted his head up to me. He was teary eyed.

“I don’t hate you,” I replied but he wasn’t convinced.

“Then why do you always try to push me away? Am I an eyesore to you?” he added, and his tears fell down.

“I wasn’t,” I denied.

“You did! You always did!” he insisted. “I can’t understand your actions. You’re a mystery to me, Sidapa. But even so, I liked being around you. I feel the safest when I’m with you. Sounds weird, right? But it’s the truth! And I’m sorry!” he sniffed. “I’m sorry for saying all of these. And I lied about Bakunawa. I really took a bath before coming here because I wanted to impress you by looking presentable. I—” His face went beet red when he realized he said too much.

I was speechless. I never expected Libulan to harbor such feelings towards me. No one had ever said nice things to me, ever. I was so used to being misunderstood and feared all the time. And I had built a barrier between me and everything else to protect myself from any form of attachments. If I had one of these, I would definitely begin to question my existence and purpose as a God.

“Libulan…” I couldn’t even find the words to say.

Libulan wiped off his tears before speaking, “I’m sorry, Sidapa. It was selfish of me to confuse you like that. But you were the one who taught me to hold on to my beliefs. And that’s what I wanted to believe—that you’re someone special regardless of who you are or what you look like,” he said.

“Why did you have to say that now?” I almost said it in a whisper.

“What?” Libulan said in confusion.

I grabbed both of his arms and squeezed them with little force. “You are changing me, Libulan!” I exclaimed. “I was planning to keep these credulous desires that I developed the moment I saw you, but you went ahead and said all of these now!” I said with mixed emotions. “And don’t you dare misunderstand! I always looked forward to evenings coming because I was expecting to see you! When we first met, I thought that you were the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I, for thousands of years, prevented myself from being attached to anything. I dedicated my life to that tree because I saw myself in it. We both wanted ‘life’ that we can’t afford to have. Both of us are only alive and existing because we became the bridge for all those souls that were born and died. Without them, there is no need for a God of Death. Without fear, no one would ever think about me. I am nothing, and yet you…” I let go of his arms and brought my hands to his cheeks and cupped them. “You made me feel like I existed in order for me to meet you.”

“You… Are you saying that you love me?” Libulan asked in a soft voice.

“Love?” I asked, not sure on how to react to that.

“Yes. Love. It is the greatest kind of attachment one can ever have. But it can also be the most painful thing in this world. You can’t see love for it doesn’t have a physical body. But you can feel it in here,” he explained, and he gently placed his right hand to the left side of my chest. “You love everything around you, Sidapa. You say that you don’t really care because you said that we only existed to keep the balance between good and evil. But I’ve seen how much you appreciated the birth of every soul, the way you carve their lifelines, the patience you put in watching their entire lifetime until the day that they become souls again. Even the way you put judgement upon them… You judge them not by what you see from the outside, but from what they truly were from the inside. You are a wonderful person, Sidapa,” he then smiled sweetly at me. “I wouldn’t mind dying in your arms someday.”

「I love Libulan?」 I thought deeply. 「That ticklish feeling I had back then… Was it love? That irritation I felt earlier when Agui came because I didn’t want him to see Libulan… Was that an act of possessiveness? Was I trying to keep Libulan all to myself?」 I further wondered.

When I realized I had such feelings within me, I turned my back away from Libulan and crouched in utter embarrassment. I was the only one lying to myself all this time. But if I harbored such feelings towards him, knowing that we were both guys, then…

“We are committing a taboo, right?” I whispered to myself. I stood up and faced Libulan again. “Libulan… Are you in love with me?” I asked.

He averted his eyes and blushed. “Don’t make me say it again,” he said. “I am not forcing you to reciprocate my feelings, Sidapa. I did plan to tell you one of these days but I accidentally told you everything,” he defended.

“The taboo…” I softly uttered.

His expression became gloomy as he forced himself to meet my eyes despite the embarrassment. “I know. But like I said—”

“I love you,” I cut him off, and he was surprised. “I am not forcing myself now. In fact, I was holding back this whole time because I didn’t want to soil your purity,” I said. “For you, I am willing to abandon everything.”

“Sidapa…” Libulan uttered in a low voice.

I hugged him in my arms that moment. Libulan remained silent and I listened to the loud beating of his heart. It matched mine.

At that point, something in me was yet to awaken.


「to be continued」