"ARA'S DIARY 1"

Dear Diary,

When Daniel's treatment started, I filled my heart with hope that my husband would recover. I love him so much and I still want to be with him. It was hard for me to let him go because I had already built my life with him, and that started the day when I answered him and accepted him into my life as my boyfriend. And that didn’t just double the day I agreed to marry him.

I try to think that he will recover because I love him so much.

I like to think that he will still be with me until I grow old. But doctors say otherwise. Daniel says otherwise.

Maybe that’s really the case when you love someone. You will try to hold on even if you can't find anything to hold on to. Because you don't want to let him go.

Days, weeks, and months passed. My husband's appearance has changed a lot. In the room where we were still sleeping, he wanted us to sleep next to each other, despite the devices plugged into his body.

"Hello," I greeted him when I caught him lying on the bed.

I had just arrived from school and I had guests with me who I knew would make him happy.

"You're back," he said to me then smiled.

The most handsome man for me is still Daniel, and nothing can change that. I know, I see the truth, but I still can’t accept it. That's why I'm always in a hurry to go home because I'm afraid that when I come home I won't be able to catch up with him alive.

In the months before his illness completely weakened him, my husband taught me a lot.

In a short time, he taught me to drive, as well as how to play the guitar. I don't want to think about the real reason why he did all that, I still can't help it, despite the constant rejection of my heart.

I don't want to, I really don't, because I know I'm going to die of grief and I'm scared to be alone.

I tried to tell him that I would not continue my studies so that I could spend more time with him, but she refused. He told me that he would not die without letting me know and saying goodbye to me if that was the reason why I wanted to stop going to school.

It hurts so much.

I feel like I want to die and I feel like I'm slowly dying every time I look at him.

Unlike what I wanted to happen, I did not get pregnant, it's been a few months since Daniel and I got married but I wasn't lucky enough to bear the child that I dream of.

"You have a visitor," I said with a smile then from behind me two important people in our lives appeared. Jason and Jenny.

"Hey," my husband said with a smile even though there was a trace of weakness on his face.

"I'm sorry if we just got to visit you again," Jason approached Daniel's bed then sat down in the chair near there, while Jenny stood up and started to cry.

I couldn't control my emotions when I saw Jason pat my husband's hand. And then he started crying too. No one spoke to the four of us, not even one. No one had the courage to make and start a conversation because we only felt one thing at that moment.

Too painful and I can’t explain how much.

In fact, Daniel talked me to ask Jason and Jenny to visit him. He said he wanted to see them one last time.

Even though my chest was heavy, even though I was against all that I had no choice but to give my husband what he wanted. I want him to be happy even in the last moments of his life. But I still can't really accept and I still don't lose hope that he will recover and we will still be together.

"You're lucky dude, you still have a chance to be with Jenny," I heard my husband say that really seemed to cut my heart into pieces.

Jason didn't answer and instead continued crying quietly. He was like a child with his face sunk into his own palms as Jenny remained standing next to him while caressing his back.

I didn’t move from where I stood. I was just at the foot of the bed and like Jason and Jenny were quietly crying. But it was as if my feet had a mind of their own that spontaneously stepped closer to my husband when he caught sight of me.

I cried, even more, when I got closer to him and despite the weakness of his hand he tried to reach my face to dry the tears that flowed freely from my eyes.

Jason and Jenny didn't stay at home for long because Jason said that he would deliver my best friend. Daniel and I had no problem with that. The important thing for me is that the three of them met, even at the last moment, even though my heart doesn't want you to accept the truth.

After dinner, as I used to do I sat in the chair next to our bed.

My parents already knew her condition and visited her often. But about our marriage remained a secret to them.

That's why until now I still can't hang at the entrance of the house the beautiful and huge oil painting that my mother-in-law had made. It was in the room I had used in the days before Daniel and I were married. And there are times that I bring that to our bedroom too, and we watch it together as we lie in bed.

Maybe if others will think why don't I let Daniel go yet? Why do I keep hoping and struggling that he will be cured even though the truth is there is really no hope?

But if they were in my position, how would they let go of the only person you know is the reason why you wake up every day?

I love him so much.

No words can explain it but I know I can make him feel and I can show it to him. That's why I didn't leave him. Because I love him. That’s the only reason that I have. And that alone was enough for me to stay clinging and hoping even though everything was fuzzy.

"Do you want something? Do you want a drink?" I asked my husband when I noticed him staring at me.

Daniel shook his head then tapped the empty part of the bed next to him. I got what that meant so I approached him with a smile.

"I'm happy now, you know?" he said to me.

I nodded then smiled at him. "I know because you saw your best friend?"

"Thank you, you brought him here," he replied to me.

"Anything, as long as it makes you happy, I'll do it," I replied.

That’s true, anything, even painful I’ll be forced to do if that’s what Daniel wants if that’s what makes my husband happy.

The smile I saw on his lips was meaningful. Then his eyes twinkled. And that touched my heart. So I bent down and kissed him on the forehead.

"I have something to give you," he said.

"Yeah? You have a present for me?" I immediately felt a mixture of longing and excitement for what she said and I could not hide it in the tone of my voice.

Daniel nodded with a clear aura on his face. After that, he showed me where I would get the thing he said he would give me. When I opened the bedside table drawer there I saw a familiar box that I had often seen when he was still quite strong. When his condition was not so bad.

It's sealed, just a sign that the contents of the box are important.

"What is this?" I asked him as I ignored the intensifying pounding of my chest.

It was then that Daniel tapped again on the empty part of the bed where I had been sitting before. I went back there.

"Do you know why I'm still here until now?" my husband's speech was already weak so I decided to put him to sleep but he stopped me.

"I still have a lot to tell you," he said giving me a meaningful smile that I got the meaning of but then my tears started to stream down my face.