Ch 38: Bathing Beauty

I couldn’t believe what I was actually going to do – get in a pool with at least 10 cameras pointed at me and try to get a graceful beauty to swim. I thought Luke must be out of his mind.
The director determined I didn’t need a specific wardrobe for the scene, since I’d just be instructing and then I’d get out of the shot. Claire found a swimsuit in wardrobe and led me back to Luke’s trailer to change. With my shirt and jeans thrown on top, I followed Claire back to the set. Standing next to Alicia on the deck, it was evident how much more muscular I was, her slender body tucked under her robe.
I quickly tore off my clothes and slid in the tank in the swimsuit provided. It was a basic black, particularly unflattering bathing suit, but it would have to do. Luke disrobed and entered the tank as well. He told me what he and the directed wanted Alicia to do, and we practiced the scene while the crew set up. After a few more minutes, Alicia entered the water.
While it was clear she could swim, her grace on land did not extend to the water. Each time she paddled, big splashes obstructed her face, occasionally getting in her mouth, making her cough. Apparently, she could float seamlessly on her back, but upright or on her front side, she looked like a drowning puppy. I demonstrated how to make hand strokes under the water in order to keep her head afloat. Alicia couldn’t replicate it.
Next, I worked on encouraging her to float on her back and then flip over to her front and continue to float. It seemed to work until she needed a breath and flailed her arms and head in a wild motion. I knew I could probably train her; we just needed more time and to start with more basic elements. But the clock was running as the director started letting out groans and grousing that we were losing the good light.
I hopped out of the pool, and wrapped a towel around myself. The robes were reserved for the real stars, and I sat curled up in a ball by the side. Again, someone stood with the slate, and the scene started all over again. Luke swam over and Alicia hesitated before performing somewhat better, trying to float instead of flail. They tried a few more times, each take the director’s voice becoming more clipped and irritated. Finally, he threw up his hands and slammed down his headphones.
I could see the panic on Luke’s face, wanting to save the project. He hopped out of the pool and again approached the director. I heard them talking animatedly, Luke arguing his case, the director disagreeing. And while I could only hear bits and pieces, there was one thing I heard clearly for sure come out of the director’s mouth.
“She’s too large. She’s like a whale compared to Alicia.”
Just then, I knew they’d been talking about me.
A couple of other people heard it and looked my way. Whispers from the crew ignited more stares. I couldn’t hide it; it was kind of true. My curves and muscles were much bigger compared to Alicia’s lithe frame. I knew it, and now, the whole set of cast and crew for the movie knew it too.
As Luke continued to argue with the director, I wanted nothing more than to dig a whole and crawl into it. I never asked to be in a movie. I never wanted to expose my body to so many people, much less think that millions of movie goers should be forced to watch my thick frame on-screen. Give me a nice pair of heels and a proper outfit, and I could kick anyone’s butt. In a bathing suit, I felt more like a wilted flower.
I started to feel even more self-conscious with everyone waiting for the next direction. How could Luke do this to me? I felt so out of place, literally like a fish out of water. Well, apparently not a fish, but a whale.
When Luke finally came over to me, having settled things with the director, my unease and disappointment fueled my anger.
“How could you do this to me?” I asked Luke, standing up, making sure to cover as much of my body with the towel as I could. “Everyone is looking at me. That whale comment is exactly the thing I’ve been trying to avoid.”
Luke looked at me and grabbed my shoulders. “I’m trying to get this done. I’ve been trying to convince the director to let you be Alicia’s stunt double. We can film with…”
“I don’t want to be in your film,” I cut him off. After I was hesitant about training Alicia, there was no way I wanted to appear on-screen. “You didn’t even consult me first. I can’t do that.”
“Wait, Stella. Just listen.”
“No, Luke. You listen. I don’t like parading myself around in a swimsuit in front of so many strangers, much less potentially millions of people who will see your film. I’m not a skinny Hollywood actress.” I hugged the towel tighter.
“Please,” Luke tried to look apologetic. “If this is about your body issues, can we just put that aside for a minute? This is about the movie.”
“I can’t just put my body issues aside, Luke. Just like you can’t put your hero complex aside. You can’t save everything,” I said, growing more irritated.
He looked wounded and stunned by my comments. “I don’t try to do that. You know how much this film means to me, and I don’t want to ruin it because you aren’t confident in a swimsuit.”
Ouch! That hurt. I couldn’t believe he belittled my feelings that way.
“I’ve tried to help you as best I can. Don’t put the blame on me. I know why you want this to work, but you need to deal with your issues too.” I said and stormed off the deck. I didn’t know how to get through to him. It wasn’t my fault. Alicia was the one they hired to do the movie. Blame her, I thought. I had been trying to get Luke to understand that we both had secrets and hang ups we needed to deal with. The pressure of his star-studded world made me snap. And like all those other times, when I couldn’t deal with the tension, I ran away.
That time, Luke didn’t follow.