A Motive

Right now, I only feel two things.

The shallow breaths from my mouth and the beats of my own heart.

My heart and my mind seem to be stuck. In a war with each other about him.

Roman.

While my mind is telling me to fuck him and expose all of the things he said to me, that hurt me, my heart is telling me that I am so much better than that.

While my mind is telling me that he should face the court of werewolf laws for not rejecting a mate verbally and leaving a mate behind, my mind is saying that he should not be in a position where he is forced to examine our relationship.

Not in front of everyone.

Not when he is still mourning. We all lost someone or something dear to us. We have a unique way of dealing with that feeling, grief. I shouldn’t blame him for choosing this path. To put him through the violent court council would be horrible.

Especially after what he has been through.

I will protect him no matter what. It's the least I can do after he saved my life. I was literally dying back then, with constant panic attacks and a weak physical state.

It was he who gave me strength, not as a mate but as a motivator. The motivation sucked but look where it got me. I can now fight a warrior wolf, potentially fit for the Royal Beta role.

Even tho I lost and passed out after all the exhaustion from the fight, I earned Gilbert’s respect. I earned all of their respect. It is because of him, Roman.

At the mention of him, he stands there.

“See his face, Taylor. He is disgusted by you. You kept a secret from him. From them. A massive one” He says and laughs.

My eyes shift back to Greyson. I back away. I take a few steps away.

“He is my doctor”

Greyson turns away in frustration as he signs. With calculating eyes he looks back at me, urging me to say more.

“My health was on the brink. Things were much worse then. I used to…..”

My breath shortens, and I briefly close my eyes.

“He was the first doctor to understand my condition and treat me correctly” The absolute worst lie passes my lips and I have to stop myself from puking on Greyson.

Roman shadow claps his hands. “Eventually, they will find out. I wonder what you will do? Tell another lie. All of this for me, darling?”

"You were screaming…..." Casper protests, but I don't allow him to finish the sentence.

“It hurts like a bitch to go through the treatment and recovery” Is all I before going straight to the quarters.

It's straight to my room for me. My hands are shaken a bit when I shut the door too quickly. I hastily search through the cabinets for the pills. The one that Roman prescribed for me. As I take the pills, my breathing becomes more controlled.

"Are you sure you are fine? It looks like you're going to die any moment now.” Roman shadow is back. Here. In my *fucking* room.

I ignored it back then, it’s just a projection of my pathetic mateless life in front of me. If I acted on how my subconscious is making fun of me, I am sure everyone would declare me mentally insane. But now….

“I'd like you to shut the fuck up. I am giving you a chance to live your fucking life the fucking way you want. Weeping over your dead mate” I spat.

“Oh. Taylor. Poor thing. That was how it was then, too. Just like when you told me to fuck you. You begged me to do so. Desperately kissing me to awake feelings in me.” He mocks.

"Fuck you" Tears stream down my face, but I see him clearly. He laughs and bends down to match my height.

“Aside from that, you don't look good at all. You're only an episode away from becoming Oliver. Now, do you want to become a rouge? Cause I don’t want you to. What’s the fun in that”

“Why? So you can no longer get to torment me”

"Exactly", he says, flopping on my bed and disappearing into thin air just like the woman in my dream.

As I sat on the bed thinking, it seemed as if hours had passed. Even when I let hot water pour on my body, my thoughts did not stop. Not even when I am putting on my clothes and bruising my hair.

I am shocked when I stand in front of the mirror looking like death. In the past, I saw a beautiful warrior in blue and leather, but I don't recognize her anymore.

I should meet Roman as soon as possible. The real one. The shadow is right. I am one episode away from becoming rouge. And now, Roman is the only one who can help me. More importantly, I need to keep my emotions in check.

………...

Lauren and Dan are meeting me for late lunch. It's all for me to avoid the men. Dan is currently telling me how happy he is. Dan’s relationship with one of the contestants is taken into account and when the Royal Alpha asked what David would do to make this work, just like a great mate, David said *anything.*

He is now a delegate from our pack who works with the faraway packs. There are some disputes between the packs, and once that is done, he is relieved of his duty and can do whatever he wants.

“We are going on a date this evening” Dan sing songs eating his lunch.

“What are you guys doing this evening?”

Lauren signs, “I am going to get a scan. The baby is kicking me inside.”

“I have a patrolling evaluation with the men”, I shrug.

“Taylor, you've got to be kidding me”. Dan grins at me, scooting closer to listen as he asks, "How can you be so on point around eleven handsome male wolves?"

“Ten”

The look on his face is puzzled. "One of the contestants turned into a rouge."

His lips form an o as he nods. “The same one who almost killed George”

He says and I shush him, my eyes turning to Lauren .

She sniffles and smiles at us telling us that’s its okay. I admire her strength. She is pregnant and her mate almost died. She is still smiling though.

“Have you heard of Roman?” Dan asks, looking at me. Once more, I shrug and act as if I am not bothered by the mention of him, his name.

“Taylor’s doctor?” Lauren says nodding at me.

“Yeah him. He requested to be transferred to another pack. But from what we have been told, he hasn’t yet reached the pack.”

Mid-chew, I stop.

Why hasn't he reached there? Is it because of the disputes? Was he forced to stay low?

My dad will have no trouble catching on to what Roman is to me, if I go and ask him questions. In the end, I was merely able to convince the men that Roman was just my doctor. But I am not even sure if they bought it.

I can save Roman if he is in danger or has wandered off, can't I?

I must find him soon for two reasons.

For him.

And.

Myself.