12

Liliana


I observed with concern as Julian downed another shot at the bar with his friends. Guilt weighed heavily on my heart; I never intended to hurt him.

When Julian ordered another round, I squeezed his arm. "Hey, I'm going to step outside for some air." He waved me off, reaching for his freshly refilled glass.

Navigating through the crowded bar, I felt the cool night air against my face as I leaned against the brick wall, staring up at the night sky.

My emotions were a jumble of confusion.

Things had been tense between us since I turned down his proposal. I felt terrible, but I didn’t believe I should shoulder all the blame.

Marriage shouldn’t be sprung on someone, especially not after only five months of dating. Perhaps Julian viewed it as romantic, but to me, it seemed like yet another impulsive act to add to the list.

Maybe he thought an engagement would somehow fix the problems we were starting to have.

The door swung open, and Julian stumbled out, squinting against the bright street lights.

"There you are," he slurred, draping an arm around my shoulder. "What are you doing out here? Everything okay?"

“Yeah, just needed some air,” I sighed heavily.

He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me softly. He wasn’t completely drunk yet, but I could sense he was getting there.

“Julian, let’s leave,” I suggested, hoping he’d agree easily tonight. “We can go back to my place, order some food. Have a quiet night in.”

“Leave so soon? It’s Mike’s birthday and we just got here not too long ago,” he replied. “Come on, let’s go back inside. One more drink, and then we can go home.”

One drink turned into two, then more. Soon, Julian was stumbling around with his equally intoxicated friends.

I didn’t want to be there, but I couldn’t leave him in that state. I needed to ensure he got home safely at least.

With the help of one of his more sober friends, I managed to get Julian into the car. The drive was quiet; Julian stared out the window, exhaling deeply.

He held his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut like he was in pain.

At ared light, I touched his arm gently. "Hey, you okay?"

Julian reached for my hand. “I’m sorry, babe.”

He looked over at me with glassy eyes, a sad expression on his face.

"I love you, Liliana. Please don’t give up on me. On us. I promise I’ll be better."

I blinked back sudden tears.

“We’ll talk tomorrow,” I replied, squeezing his hand.

He slumped against the window, closing his eyes.

We drove the rest of the way in silence.

He'd been drinking more, becoming moodier and more unreliable. He started partying almost daily and I’d caught him lying to me on more than one occasion about where he was and who he’d been with.

It made it harder to keep trying with Julian, but I did anyway.

I kept thinking that any minute the fun-to-be-around Julian would appear again. The one I met at the nursing home. I just had to give him another chance.

It would have been easy enough to walk away if I hadn’t cared about him so much. But he’d made it easy to care in the beginning, and I kept clinging to that and the wonderful man I knew was in there somewhere.

Julian probably thought he loved me. I knew he believed it, but I was starting to think Julian’s one true love was himself.

In my heart, I knew Julian was just another link in the chain of bad men I had chosen. But even so, I desperately wanted to believe he was different.