Chapter 47

“Well?”
The sound of Zane’s voice brought Jo back to the Jeep. She glanced at the clock on the dashboard. It had only been about ten minutes since they’d left Eliza and Lucas’s house, but it seemed like she’d been lost in her thoughts forever. The conversation she’d had with Eliza, after the official meeting was over, had revealed much more about the situation than the few minutes of discussion she’d had with the couple in the living room. She thought there was a good chance they’d agree to help her team find Holland, but she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
“Well--what?” Rather than just blurt all of that out to Zane, she decided to give him a chance to pull it out, piece by piece, like a dentist in the 1800s trying to extract a shattered molar. That’s how Jo tended to do things.
“What do you think?” He had one hand on the steering wheel, the other elbow propped on the door as they drove along the snowy, dirt road that led back into town. They both knew it made more sense to find a hotel for the night than to head all the way back to where the rest of the team was staying when there was a chance Lucas and Eliza would want to meet with them again the next day. That was too long of a trip to make more than once if it could be helped.
“I think… a lot of things. What did Lucas say to you, when we were walking out?”
Zane pulled his eyes off of the road and stared at her for a long moment, far too long for a human to have kept command of the vehicle without looking at where they were going, but his superhuman powers allowed him to keep the Jeep on the road until his eyes flickered back to the front. He knew she was changing the subject and was debating whether or not he should call her out on it.
He didn’t. “He was just reminiscing, telling me about how he and a group of Souleds used to infiltrate their counterparts’ lairs and take them out by the dozens. He said, back before the Revelation, his intent had been to wipe out all soulless Vampires, but then, when the world became aware that Vampires existed, and governments started creating laws to protect them, treating them as if they deserved human rights, he had to stop. He said he’s itching to get back into the fray, though it is also tempting to just stay in his mansion and wait it out.”
Jo nodded. She had been under the impression that’s what he was saying, or something along those lines anyway. She thought the chances of Lucas helping them were pretty good. Whether or not Eliza came in. Jo hadn’t thought they needed Eliza, not until she’d met her. Now, she was starting to form a different opinion. How it was she had so much in common with a woman she should hate was a surprise, one that had kept her mind occupied far too long since she’d climbed back into the Jeep. Perhaps it was just the idea that the rest of the team hated Eliza and hated Jo, though for different reasons, that had her thinking that way.
“Do you think they’ll help?” Zane asked more directly this time.
He’d caught her lost in her thoughts again so that, when she answered, it wasn’t from a conscious state, so the “Yeah,” that popped out of her mouth even surprised her. When she turned to look at him, his eyebrows were arched. “I mean… I think Lucas wants to. If Eliza will let him.”
“And whatever she was saying to you while we were walking out, you think she will let him?”
“I think she might.” Jo let out a loud exhale and adjusted in her seat, wishing they could just be at a hotel already. Her head was growing foggy. It was time for her to get some sleep and think about all of this later.
“What did she say to you? When we were walking to the vehicle?” Zane’s tone was cautious now, quiet, as if he was afraid he might frighten Jo back into her shell.
“She, uh, was talking about how it used to be… back in the day. About my parents. It was a confession of sorts. Zane, if she comes aboard, there’s going to be lots of drama. People hate her. I understand why now.”
“Really? She told you all of the reasons why people hate her?” Again, he pulled his eyes from the road to stare at her in disbelief.
She nodded. “Enough of them, anyway. Anyone who was around before we were born is not going to be a fan of hers--Cass, Brandon, Cale, Meagan, and definitely not Elliott.”
“Why not Elliott?” Zane had picked up on her tone when she’d emphasized her Funcle’s feelings toward the Guardian in question.
“Because she was part of the scheme that got him killed,” she replied.
“I thought that was just a rumor.” Zane turned onto a paved road, an indication that they were getting back to civilization, not that this part of Russia was very civilized.
“She just told me that she hadn’t meant for anyone to get killed, but she hadn’t felt badly when Elliott had died.”
He didn't pull his eyes from the road this time, but his mouth dropped open. “Wow. She said that?”
“Yes. She’s very cut and dried. There’s no bullshit coming out of her mouth, at least not now. She said she tried more than once to come between my parents. I knew that. But… she wasn’t apologetic about it. She even said she hadn’t been too terribly upset when my mom fell off of that mountain and died. So… she’s blunt. But she also said that’s not who she is now.”
Zane was quiet for a few moments. “So… who is she? And why do we need her?”
“I don’t know the answer to either one of those questions. But if it takes bringing her along to get Lucas, then that’s what we do.” Jo turned her head to look out the window, glad to see more houses in the distance, her eyes cutting through the darkness and gloom to pick them up even when there were no lights on and they were far apart. They’d be back to Magadan soon. Then, they’d need to find a hotel. She was tired enough to sleep in the back of the Jeep.
“And you’re certain it’s worth it, that what he brings will negate the harsh feelings between Eliza and… everyone?”
“No,” she said quickly. “But I do think she deserves another chance. Not a second chance. Apparently, my dad gave her plenty of those, and I don’t just mean as his girlfriend, but on the team.” She knew that was a fault of Aaron’s, one of his few, that he was too forgiving. But then, if that wasn’t the case, she wouldn’t be there now. Maybe that wasn’t a good thing either. “She said she’s not the same person she used to be. I want to find out what that means. How someone that everyone used to hate can rebuild themselves and come out of the fire.”
Zane stopped the vehicle in the middle of the road, shifting into park, and turning to look at her. Caught off guard, Jo surveyed the area around them quickly for Vampires, having no idea what he was doing. When she turned back to look at him, her forehead creased in confusion, he said, “You’re not Eliza, Jo.”
“No, I know but--”
Before she could say more, his mouth was on hers, hard. Jo felt her breath pulled from her lungs as her hands immediately went to the sides of his face. He kept her in place with both palms on her shoulders as his tongue tangled with hers, the familiar taste of cinnamon breath freshener bringing her back in time to when kissing Zane was as natural and frequent as beating of her heart in her chest, an organ that threatened to escape from her now as he intensified the entanglement even more, crushing her against his chest, his powerful arms unyielding against her back. Not that she was trying to get away from him. She wasn’t. Her hands tangled in his hair, the burning in her lungs reminding her that she still needed oxygen, a dare she was willing to take.
Just as quickly as he’d started the passionate moment, Zane put an uncomfortable space between them, leaving Jo gaping at him, her chest heaving as she took him in, her entire body suddenly feeling the cold of the Siberian air, even though she wasn’t supposed to be able to feel shifts in temperature. His hands no longer on her body left her longing for more.
“Sorry,” Zane said, turning back to face the front of the Jeep, his hands moving to the steering wheel but not shifting into drive yet. “I didn’t mean….” He was looking at her again, his eyes slightly narrowed. “I hate it when you say that you’re not worthy of this position, Jo, or that you can’t do it. You can. You are. Your dad knows what he’s doing. Why can’t you just have a little bit of faith in that?”
Her mouth continued to dangle open as she shifted through a change in emotions that took her from the new life of a spring morning to the raw, frozen winter. “Why can’t I have faith in myself, Zane?” she asked, trying to get a handle on her emotions, but he had just evoked so many, she couldn’t choose just one to feel, and they all became jumbled up inside of her. “How could I have any faith in myself? I know you don’t understand because you weren’t there, Zane. You don’t know who I was before I came to Colorado. But I was… bad. I was a bad kid, Zane. My parents were perfect, and I was a royal fuck up--literally. Like a princess who couldn’t get her shit together to keep from ruining the ball. And what was worse was, I didn’t even care. I left a lot of pain in my wake.”
He was shaking his head, as if her words weren’t true, but they were. She knew every word that came out of her mouth was true because she still had the scars to prove it. “You’re not a bad person, Jo.”
“I was a nightmare for my dad. Almost from the day that my mom went missing, anything I could do that was against the rules, I did it. Scott was my partner in crime until his dad cracked down on him and literally began locking him in his room. Even then, I’d find a way to break in or break him out. Zane, you have no idea.” She thought back to all of the alcohol she’d stolen, all of the sex she’d had, all of the late nights she’d spent out causing trouble, all of the people she’d disappointed. “Those people waiting for us at the hotel near Cherskey, and the others, coming to meet up with us from Africa, they know. They know who I was, and they don’t think I can ever change.”
“Then why are they here?” He was challenging her now. “Why would Cass, Brandon, Elliott, any of those people bother to sign on to a mission they knew was doomed to fail because you’re leading it? Why wouldn’t Cadon and Scott and anyone else who thinks that’s who you are just say, ‘You know, Aaron, this one’s not really for me’? Do you think your dad would try to convince them to stay? Do you think any of those people said they didn’t want to go along with this once they knew he’d sent a team to find you? No--because they see you differently than you see yourself, Jo. Even your brother. He might be an asshole most of the time, but he believes in you, and goddamn it, you have got to start believing in yourself. Because--until you do, no we don’t have a shot in hell at finding Holland. But if you would give yourself even the tiniest shred of the benefit of the doubt, you would see, you are not the person you think you are, Jo McReynolds! You are not some fuckup that can’t be fixed. You are amazing--in every way possible. Sure, you’re cold and hard and real, but that’s one of the most wonderful things about you. So… stop hiding behind your past and embrace this mission already so we can just get the hell on with it!”
By the time Zane was finished, he was out of breath, laboring to suck in air, his fists clearly sore from banging the steering wheel, which wasn’t quite round anymore, and his hair was askew, which wasn’t usually the case even after a hunt. Jo stared at him for several seconds, not sure what to do or what to say. She had tears in her eyes, which pissed her off, but this was an emotional subject. Maybe giving herself the benefit of the doubt started with letting those tears flow.
She turned to look out the front glass without commenting. He had made it abundantly clear how he felt, and she wanted to believe him. She really did. Zane shifted into drive and they headed down the road without another word. Jo contemplated what he’d said. What would it be like to have the confidence that the woman he’d described was her? To think that her family and the others didn’t hold her past against her but had let it go and realized that’s not who she was anymore? What if that wasn’t who she was anymore, but she really was more like her parents than she was giving herself credit for?
The idea of accepting his account of who she was, of what she had become, was enticing. It would make leading this mission so much easier, so much more pleasant, but as they made their way to the closest hotel room, in the back of her mind, she heard that familiar whisper, “You’ll never be good enough.”


Night Slayer
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