This Is What It Feels Like To Be Dead

*Kamila*

I hear voices in the distance. It's hazy, like they're in another room, through a closed door, maybe underwater. I can't really understand what they're saying, but I recognize some of them.

My brain feels heavy, like a sponge that has absorbed too much water and is dripping onto the floor. Why can't I think clearly? I can't even remember what I was doing.

I find it a little ironic that I was pretending not to remember anything when I woke up in ET1 Kane's castle, and now, when I try to blink, I really can't remember much of anything.

Thinking about ET1 Kane makes my heart skip a beat for a moment. Is it still close? Are my babies in danger? I want to raise my hand to protect my abdomen, like I usually do, but my arms feel like they weigh a thousand pounds each, and I really can't move at all.

What's going on? Are those the drugs he gave me? Looks like I've already dealt with all that...

And then, I remember.

I remember the pain, the discomfort, the stairs, the van, getting to Mark's castle, the medicine... and the babies!

I had my babies! I gave birth to all four. I saw her little faces with my own eyes!

So...why couldn't he wake up to hold them now?

“She looks so calm,” I hear Tristan say. I know it's him. I recognize his voice, and he is close. I can understand it.

'Like I'm just asleep,' Reece replies.

“The most beautiful woman in the world,” adds Mark.

“I was hoping to have the chance to kiss her again,” Eli laments.

Eli!

Eli is here! She had seen it too.

I needed to open my eyes so I could be with my men and my babies. But I cant.

Their words came back to me, and as the meaning behind them began to sink in, I realized what they were talking about.

Everything became very clear to me now. I can not open my eyes. I can not move. I can't speak, because I'm dead!

How had this happened? Why would the Moon Goddess allow this to happen to me? I had come so far! She had carried my babies to full term and given birth to them! She had fought so hard to keep them safe against Emily, Malena Milly, King Gene, ET1 Robert, ET1 Winston, and that horrible ET1 Kane! Now, after all that, I hadn't even been able to tell them that I love them!

Tears form in my eyes. At least, it seems like tears are forming in my eyes. I'm not sure if that's possible or if it's just my imagination, with me being dead and all. The more I think about my wonderful ET1s, my precious babies, and all the friends I have made and left behind, the more I cry.

"Are those... tears?" I think I hear Tristan ask.

—Is he crying?—That's Reece.

“I think I might be!” Mark intervenes.

—Kamila? Kamila, honey, can you hear us?—Eli asks me.

I can't answer them yet, but the fact that they can see that I'm upset makes me think that maybe I'm not dead after all. I use all the energy I have left inside me to try to open my eyes. I just need to see their faces again.

With all my concentration on just my right eye, after several seconds, I finally manage to lift my eyelid a little. It closes again, but I'm not willing to give up. I blink a few times, and then both eyes are working, and I'm awake, I'm alive!

"Kamila!" the four sing, laughing and smiling. It's hard to focus, but I look from one face to the other, and my heart fills with happiness as I realize that I am still alive and the blessings that the Moon Goddess has showered on me are all here.

The four ET1s are standing next to my bed, and in their arms, each of them holds a beautiful baby, my babies.

Eli wipes the tears from my cheeks. —Goddess, I am so happy to see you. How are you, beauty?

My mouth is dry, and it takes a lot of strength to croak. Everyone laughs, but I didn't mean it as a joke.

“Of course you are,” Tristan tells me, standing right next to my left shoulder. —We would never let anything happen to you, little flower.

A moment later, I hear another familiar voice and tense up. —Step aside, gentlemen!— It's Dr. Travesty. She was hoping to never see her again. Clearly, her name is bad luck.

But then, she did bring my babies into the world, and I'm alive, so that counts.

"Oh, Miss Kamila!" he says. —You gave us a good scare. I'm so glad you're back now. Let me do a quick review.

"What...what happened?" I ask as she begins to listen to my heart and lungs.

“You lost a lot of blood during childbirth,” Mark explains to me, and I can hear traces of sadness and fear in his voice. —We were afraid it would be too much.

"But the doctor gave you some transfusions and fixed everything," Reece tells me.

I can't imagine how scary that must have been for all of them. All I can think of to say is: "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," Eli says. —We are so grateful that you are well now.

“She's okay, right?” Tristan asks the doctor.

Dr. Travesty nods. -Yeah. Miss Kamila, you will need some time to rest and recover, but I see no reason why you won't be perfectly fine in a few days.

That makes my heart sing. “Thank you, Doctor,” I say, so glad you were here after all, since you apparently saved my life.

"Now, why don't we let this mom hold her babies?" he says, stepping away.

The men help me sit down, and then, one by one, they place their children on my lap. I look at them through my tears, unable to believe how beautiful they are. Two little girls and two little boys. I can see their parents' faces in each of them, but I can also see myself, and they are worth every agonizing moment I've spent since I got on that train.

I'm crying again, but it's with an overwhelming sense of happiness. I can't imagine anything in the world being wrong again while I have these beautiful babies and these four incredible men.

As terrible as it was, I can't help but declare: "I think... someday... I might want to do this again!"

The men exchange amazed glances, and I think they might be scared at the prospect of us having eight children.

But then Mark murmurs, "Do you want me to tell him?"

"Tell me what?" I ask, fear growing inside my chest.

No one says anything in response, and as I keep moving my eyes from one to the other, I become more and more scared. —Tell me what?

Mark clears his throat and says, "Dr. Travesty had to... take out... your... reproductive organs."

—What?— I can't believe what he's telling me. -What does that mean?

"It means we won't be able to have any more children," Reece explains. -But it's okay. Because we have these four, and we have each other.

"And we can still have sex," Tristan interjects. I turn and look at him, narrowing my eyes. He shrinks his shoulders. "I just wanted to make sure that part was clear."

Eli says: —We are very sorry, Kamila. But it was the only way to save you.

Disappointment washes over me, but I understand.

I look at my little bundles and know that they are the only children I will ever have, so I will be the best mom I can be.

Even if it kills me.

After all, I've already been dead once.

And I lived to tell the tale.