Chapter Fourteen

He’s walking towards Cross and me, a car a few feet behind him, sitting idly, a gun in his hand with malice in his expression.

“You came!” I cry out as I climb up into a standing position, and don’t wait for him to get to me. I run at full speed, tears in my eyes as I throw my arms around him. “Oh my god, Jay! Thank god you’re here. He was going to kill me…”

I bury my face in his neck and cry. He doesn’t say anything to console me but he lets me hold him and cry as he holds the gun steady on Cross. After I’ve calmed down when a few minutes go by, he finally speaks.

“Go to the car, Akira.”

I sniffle. “Okay.”

I release him and head towards his car quickly, sliding into the passenger side comfortably.

He came. He actually came. I didn’t think he would.

I watch as he pulls the trigger again and shoots Cross’s thigh. Cross screams, neck veins bulging, mouth agape, his head was thrown back.

Like an exorcism.

I shiver in the seat, watching as Jay moves to the SUV and begins shooting into it.

The driver… well, he was in on it. He deserves to die. Whatever they were doing, clearly they shouldn’t have been.

I expect Jay to shoot Cross to finish him off but instead, he moves to the discarded blade and grabs a fistful of Cross’s hair before he hisses something I can’t make out, at him.

He seems pissed.

Almost makes me feel important… to him.

That’s the dumbest thing I’ve thought in a while.

Jay slices his throat and Cross’s body is tossed like garbage onto the ground. Jay wipes the blade on Cross before pocketing it and spinning around to stalk back over to the car. When he gets to the car and slides into the driver's side, I release the breath I didn’t know I was holding.

He’s dead.

Cross is dead.

“You came,” I say, and he stiffens for a moment.

“They took you without consent and plotted to fucking kill you against my command. I don’t tolerate disobedience.”

He glances at me and he probably thinks I can’t see the spark of concern in his eyes, but I do, before he blinks, and it’s gone as he straightens his gaze out the window. I hold onto the warm feeling bubbling inside of me.

Jay drives silently brooding, eyes narrowed and pointed forward. I watch his jaw flex and unflex while he tightens his grip on the steering wheel.

“I thought they were ordered to kill me,” I admit because it’s what makes the most sense. I assumed I was no longer a valuable asset.

I didn’t know they had disobeyed orders.

Jay shakes his head, whipping around a corner before sighing.

“No. There was no order given,” Jay states firmly.

“I at least thought you would be the one to do it… Not Cross. He would’ve been ruthless.”

“What makes you believe I won’t be?”

I frown and lick my lips, diverting my attention from his eyes which have glanced over at me, by looking out at the trees we’re passing.

Just something about the way he’s become with me…

But my judgment has been shit in the past.

There’s no real way for me to tell.

Another foolish judgment on my part.

“I don’t know. I probably shouldn’t think that. But I do. Maybe I’m hoping?” I admit, and once those words leave my lips, I clamp my mouth shut, embarrassed at the weakness within my tone; the vulnerability makes my stomach turn.

Jay inhales a deep breath. “Hope gets you hurt.”

“I know.”

The faraway look he has makes my heart skip a beat, and I find myself reaching for his arm. I stop my hand in mid-air, closing it into a fist before I pull it back.

“I wasn’t always this man,” Jay begins. I’m surprised at his admission. He licks his lips and shakes his head. “If you’d seen me in my youth you wouldn’t have recognized me.”

“Oh?” I watch the change in him slowly as he begins to speak about his past. His body goes all tense, like remembering is physically painful.

“I was weak. Fragile….” He trails off, his fists tightening on the steering wheel again. “The world would’ve chewed me up and spit me out like it’s done with you.”

“So, what happened?” He scoffs, a mirthless smile on his lips.

“Dominico snuffed out that empathy within me.”

Why do I have a feeling that “snuffed out” means something sinister?

“What do you mean?” I ask him although I’m afraid of the answer.

“He did whatever it took to make me ruthless, uncaring, and violent. Tortured me to the brink of death until I agreed to become what he wanted. Until I could pick up a knife and deliver as much damage as he has without so much as blinking.” Jay’s jaw tensed. “And it worked. Because I don’t feel. I don’t have regret or remorse.”

I feel like there’s a ‘but’ at the end of that. I wait for it, but after a minute of silence, it doesn’t come. Not until I rest a hand on his arm.

“But I’m starting to have those feelings again.”

“W-what?” I stammer. I’m shocked as I reply. Jay the sadist is beginning to feel? “Why?”

He turns his head to peer at me and his expression softens.

“I think you know why.”

He won’t say the words and I don’t make him, because he doesn’t have to.

Because of me.

I don’t know how, or what I did, but I’m making him have remorse.

He pities me.

I pull my hand back.

“Thanks, but I don’t need your pity,” I reply. Jay frowns.

“You think I pity you?”

“Yes.”

He huffs and grits his teeth.

“That’s the thing—” He huffs angrily. “I don’t pity you. That’s not the feelings you’ve conjured within me.”

The conversation almost feels surreal.

“I crave you. So, it’s fucking worse. I’m thinking things and doing things I shouldn’t. I’m fucking psychotic about who’s around you, and I’ve ordered my men not to lay a single fucking finger on you. Don’t you see! You’re reversing fucking everything and it’s like I have no control over it! I want to have control over it!” He screams.

“I’m sorry…” I don’t know what to say.

“I can’t be your protector, Akira. I need to fulfill my duties to Dominico. I don’t need to fucking hesitate when it comes to killing you. I shouldn’t feel this stabbing fucking pain at the notion of killing you. I fucking hate myself for it. For all of it. Because I have no real control anymore.”

He bangs his fist against the steering wheel, and I flinch. He curses. I run a hand down my face, unsure of what to say.

He was hurting then, and he is now.

All because of me.

I hate how that eats me up inside. Will being hurt has never affected me the way I’m affected right now by Jay’s visible pain.

“Pull over,” I demand. His nostrils flare angrily.

“No.”

“Pull over, Jay,” I urge him, and his arms tense. “Please, just pull over.”

With an aggravated grunt, he pulls the car off to the side and turns to face me. I don’t give him time to say anything. I don’t even give myself enough time to rethink my actions. I move into him, capturing his lips with mine.

I can’t resist him.

Can’t fight what he’s evoked within me: lust, yearning, dependency; it completely claims me.

He’s taken back for a moment until he’s kissing me back even harder. His mouth is hungry, tongue skilled and probing as it enters my mouth and devours me.

Jay will be my undoing.

And I’m oddly okay with that.