Chapter 15

UNEDITED

He grabs the handle and shuts the door. "I'm not going anywhere yet." He steps closer to her trapping her on the wall but still allowing her some room.

She suddenly was so angry, angry at him for every single thing he had ever done and said.
"Whatever you have to say, I don't want to hear it."She didn't realize that she was carrying around so much resentment. She was telling herself that everything she was doing wasn't for him but in truth, she wanted him to eat his heart out. "You think I'm just going to open my arms and invite you to stay the night?"

There was this fierceness in her that he had never seen before. He liked it and didn't at the same time. A strange feeling. "Of course not."

"I admit that I was a bad wife and I thought I deserved for you to leave me. I would leave me. Actually no I wouldn't... I could never be that selfish."

His eyes revert to the ground. He was ashamed of himself. "It wasn't like that."

"Yes, it was...When I showed you all of my flaws you disappeared."

"That's not true. I'm here knowing all flaws and all I want is you, just the way you are."

"Please do me a favour, stop the crap and go back to your precious Regina. Who was worth breaking your children's home for."

He closes his eyes momentarily. All things he didn't want to hear. "I texted her, yes, but nothing happened I couldn't even make it to her place."

"You're a liar."

"Because she is not who I want Clair, I love you and I never stopped."

She rolls her eyes.

"I'm not giving up. I will never give up. You're mine."

"Ha! I'm yours? You put me in a bag and took me out with the trash for your Regina."

Frustrated fingers run through his hair. "Can you stop saying that? You know I didn't leave you for her. She had nothing to do with it."

"Then why were you with her? You said you didn't cheat with her but then after we separated you were with her."

He steps away while shaking his head. His hands slide back in his pocket and he turns away unable to look at her when he admits. "She was something to do."

"That's disgusting."

"Well," he turns back. "I'm a man and a man has needs, Clair. And in my mind, the woman I actually wanted didn't want me. I didn't realize what I was doing, but I was hoping to curb my cravings for you."

"So how did it work out for you? Did she satisfy you the way I couldn't?"

His jaw was wired shut. "Come on Clair."

"No no, I think I have rights to the answer. So please tell me, was she worth it?

"No." He speaks through his teeth.

"Aww... you don't have to lie for the sake of poor me... I have long accepted that I wasn't good enough for you."

He rests his palm on the wall beside her head. "That's enough Clair. You were too good for me. Regina was nothing...and she meant nothing... I won't deny that I spent some time with her after we separated because I was trying to get relief, relief only you could give me. I didn't sleep with her and I stopped seeing her after only two meetings. And you know why Clair, because she is not you."

Her insides twisted. All she heard was that he spent time with Regina and more than once. "Lies!" She accuses. "Actions speak louder than words Jacob."

"I agree...Actions do speak louder than words Clair, and your actions all these years have told me that you weren't interested in me or our marriage. I have even asked myself if maybe you were staying with me for the children's sake."

"You know what Jacob, the truth is, I don't know how to love. My mother was rejected every time she tried to show my father love and affection. She could just decide to cook instead of the chef, and that day he wouldn't be hungry. He was always annoyed with her like her just trying was enough. I told myself that wouldn't be me. That I would get it when someone didn't want me. Her eyes well up. "What is normal in a marriage anyway? What am I supposed to do?"

He releases a deep breath. "Baby." He reaches tries to touch her face but she turns away.

A tear leaks down her cheek. She wipes it away with the backs of her hand. "I tried so hard to not repeat Desmond's and Vivian's mistakes but it happened anyway. You acted exactly like my father sometimes." She laughs. "Be honest, You married me because I got pregnant right?"

"No." He denies it straight away. "I..." She cuts him off.

"Oh come on... you're telling me you would have married me so quickly if I didn't get pregnant?"

He clears his throat. "Maybe not so quickly but that was my intention eventually."

"Eventually..." She sniffles. "You needed more time to figure out if I was the right person, but because I got pregnant so fast, you married me before you were ready. You didn't really know who I was. We were doomed from the beginning."

"Clair, I knew you were my person from the beginning. Baby, please stop crying." He tries to cup her cheeks again but her hand strikes his back.


"I'm not yours okay... Are you that unaware that you don't realize how much you've hurt me?

He swallows. "I'm sorry.

"Sorry does nothing. It doesn't fix me, and it doesn't fix the damage done to our children."

"I want to spend the rest of our lives making it up to you all. Showing you how special you are to me. I would spend the rest of my existence in the dog house. Let me come home, Clair."

"And what if things are exactly as they were before? You're unsatisfied and I'm uninterested."

"We're you? Tell me how you really feel. We're you disinterested?"

"I'm not answering that." She tries to escape past him but he blocks her with his huge body.

"Then don't." He lifted her chin to make sure she was meeting his eyes. "But I'll tell you this. I'm crazy about you. I don't think you understand just how much, and I don't think I realized just how much. Take all the time you need to be angry, baby, I will accept it all, but I'm not giving up."

"I'm going to move on Jacob, and you should too."

His teeth grind together. "I only want you, Clair."

She knocks his hand away. "That's too bad." It was shocking how much it was satisfying her to be so ruthless with him. She couldn't help but feel like she wanted to hurt him.

"I was lying to myself, thinking leaving would make all of us happier, that I would be able to bear not being with you."

Her voice rises. "You've hurt me too much. You did damage to me that can never be undone, and for that, I can never forgive you, Jacob."

"You ignoring me during our marriage drove me to the point of insanity. I got angry and pushed you away because I didn't know how to get rid of the torment inside. I blamed you for my stress but it's not you, it was never you, it was always me. And I'm sorry for ever making you think otherwise. You are not a bad wife I am a bad husband. I didn't understand you baby."

"It's too late." She takes a calming breath and maneuvers passed him.

He follows. "I'm withdrawing the divorce."

"Then I'll refile it." She throws it over her shoulder.

"And I'll fight it."

"Jacob." She stops and covers her hand over her head.

"Clair." He retorts.

"Just go please."

"We could have our family back Clair. We can go to counselling. Whatever it takes I'm willing to do. I just want you and my kids back."

For a long time, she just wanted him to look at her the way he used to, the way he was looking at her right now. The softness in his expression which used to be normal, was now rare. It was seen only when looking at children but, it was aimed at her now that it was too late. It was no longer possible to forgive him."Go...Please."

He decided he would leave, but it wouldn't be the end.

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