Chapter 38

Three days after the disastrous birthday dinner, I’d moved out of the compound amid loud protestations from Ginger, Rook and Burdock, but I’d heard nothing from Torin. And, as one day had passed into two, I continued shutting Torin out of my life. By the end of the week, I’d gotten my old job back with Jess at the bar and was moving forward with my life.

The night of the eighth day after leaving Torin behind me, my phone buzzed with a text message, and picking it up, I read the message.

**Torin: When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars**

Insanely, I gave a sniff with the sudden moisture that sprang to my eyes. Ridiculous that something so simple as a song could bring me to tears. Torin never did anything without purpose though, so I knew there was a message within the song he wanted me to hear. After bringing the song up on my phone, I closed my eyes, and listened.

A few days later, checking my mailbox after I got home from work, I found a plain white envelope inside with nothing on it but my first name. After dropping everything in my living room, I kicked off my shoes and made my way toward the kitchen, ripping the envelope open as I went.

Inside, I found a letter.

*Princess... I wish I could see you to tell you all this in person, but I can't. I'm on assignment...but I need you to know...fuck, I wish I could hold you, see your eyes right now!*
*You own me. I've been in love with you since I was seventeen! I know it's more than likely too late to apologize, but I'm sorry. So goddamn sorry for the way I've hurt you—the way I've always hurt you.
It devastated me to hurt you like that with Sobain. However, as I've told you. I'm bad news.*

*I saw what you were feeling in your eyes every time you looked at me and I couldn't let that happen. I still can't—that's why Sobain. I used her, knowing it would make you hate me. I needed that. I needed to make you hate me. Because of you—I'd lost sight of who I am. WHAT I am. I'd started having ideas I had no right having. Dreams I couldn't be having.*

*I’ll never be what you deserve, what you need—I'm too fucked up. I have too many secrets and too many demons. You're light and goodness—I'm dark and evil. There are so many things about me that you still don't know—one being that my name is not Torin Masters. I won't go into detail with you about that, as the less you know, the better. Only know that, whatever my name, my heart belongs to you. Maybe someday, I'll find a way to forgive myself for the things I've done. As well, maybe, someday, you'll find it within your heart to forgive me too. If I don't survive, know that I love you...even Hell won't stop that.*

*T*

I dropped the letter onto the floor, staring at it. What the fuck? Torin was in love with me? Why now? My heart cried. Why tell me now, what I had waited a lifetime to hear when I might never see you again?

~~

Days later, I opened my front door to find Rook and Burdock standing before me. The look on their faces, their red eyes, told me everything I didn't want to know.

Clearing his throat, Burdock asked, “May we come in?”

Apprehension gripped my insides; however, I stepped back, waving my hand in permission.

As they stepped across the threshold, Rook’s eyes met mine and I could see the sorrow and tears within his. My heart slammed against my chest—the eyes could reveal so much, and within his, I read the end of my world. I knew without the words being uttered, what I was going to hear.

Glancing around, Burdock asked, “May we sit?”

Nodding robotically, I turned and led them into the living room. After we had all taken a seat, Burdock leaned forward, dropping his head in his hands, as if his burdens were too heavy to carry. Finally, looking up and
blowing out a breath, he made eye contact with me. His eyes were swimming in tears, and his voice broke as he whispered, “There's just no easy way to say it, Marlowe. Torin was on an assignment—”

I stared at him for a matter of seconds, then screamed, “I don’t want to hear it! You hear me? I don’t want to hear it!” Then, dropping to my knees and clutching my stomach, I breathed, “Please tell me it's not true! Please, please tell me he's not dead!”

Falling to his own knees beside me, Rook took me in his arms, and with tears falling down his own cheeks, he husked, “I wish to fuck we could, Marlowe.”

At his words the edges of my vision turned gray, and darkness claimed me.

ONE YEAR LATER

Oh, how awesome, I thought. Another mild summer night. What a fucking joke! Texas had been smothering under nighttime low temperatures in the mid-nineties for the last seven days, and no sooner had I walked out of the bar, waving at my co-workers behind me, than I immediately broke out in a sweat. Jesus, I'd only been outside five minutes, and I was already sweating like a hog on butcher day.

With a swipe of my hand across my forehead, I gave a small groan. Why? Why, in the name of all that's holy, did I stay in this damn State? It was sweltering in the summer, and teeth chattering cold in the winter.

Blowing at a tendril of hair that had worked its way loose from my braid, I kept trudging across the parking lot until I reached my 1972 Volkswagen Beetle.

My little bug may have a dent or two, and a few rust spots here or there, but it was all mine. With my first paycheck after returning to Jess’s bar, I'd purchased her from him. The action allowed me the freedom from having to depend on him for transportation.

My work night had been a never-ending continuation of moments feeding into forever. I couldn't tell you how many times I'd glanced at the clock, wondering if the night would ever end. God, I'd been so ready to get off work. I loved my job, don't get me wrong, but tonight...tonight I hadn't wanted to be there.

It had been a year since Torin's passing, and today was the anniversary of his death. I couldn't help but feel a sense of emptiness and sorrow as I’d gone about my night. And to try and dull the pain, I’d even tossed back a few shots throughout the hours, but of course, alcohol never solved anything.

As I'd tried to focus on serving drinks, my mind had kept wandering back to Torin; the way he used to make me laugh. The way he'd always known how to make me feel better when I was down. I missed him so much,
and the ache in my heart was almost unbearable.

Over time, I had forgiven him for the events of the night of his birthday. Though I had made special plans, I should have taken into consideration he might have made some of his own. It had taken me a while to admit to myself that we had made no commitment to one another, and as such, my reaction over him being with Sobain had been way out of line—he'd had every right to be with whomever he'd wanted. Whether I'd liked it or not.

As the hours through the night had worn on, I'd tried to push through my grief, but it had been no use. I couldn't concentrate on anything, and my work had suffered. To be honest, I think Jess and the other bartenders were glad when the night had come to an end too—I wouldn't have wanted to work with me either.

Moments later, coming out of my thoughts, I settled into the driver's seat of LadyBug, and putting the key in the ignition, I turned her over. A satisfied smile graced my lips at the rat-a-tat-tat of the engine cranking
over before smoothly idling into its signature bumblebee hum.

Still wearing my grin, I put LadyBug into gear and eased out of the parking lot, feeling the familiar rumble of her engine beneath me as I hit the open road.

The wind whipped through my hair, and the moon shone down, painting the landscape in silver as LadyBug followed the road home.