Displaced

"This bitch," I mumbled under my breath as I hastily dropped Ethan's supplies on the countertop.

"Are you sure you can afford this?" she asked, trying to sound nice, even helpful, but I could hear the disdain in her voice.

I produced Ethan's Amex between two fingers, holding it like I had a cigarette, handing it out to her with a 'duh' look. It didn't matter how often I'd come in here to get the same things. Honestly, I did Ethan's necessity shopping often enough with this same lady waiting on me that she should recognize me.

The blonde heifer paused at the name and frowned. "You don't look like an Ethan."

"Liz, come on! I come here at least once a month. You know who I am; you know Ethan is okay with this since it is stuff I'm getting for him. Why do you do this every time?"

She gave a tiny sneer. "Poor people shouldn't even be in the same vicinity as rich ones, that's why."

"Well, I'm assuming you're among the poor-ish since you're working here. What does that say about you?"

She clucked her tongue and started begrudgingly ringing up the order. "I'll require his phone number."

"Why?"

"To make sure you have his approval to buy these things."

I rubbed my forehead before settling my chin in the palm of my hand, my elbows resting on the cold, marble countertop. "Fine," I mumbled, rattling off his digits.

With an 'I'm way better than you' smirk, she dialed his number, but it wasn't long until that canary-found-the-cream smile turned upside down. "Yes, sir. I understand. No. No, I don't have a bad memory. I do remember her. Of course, we care. We didn't call you sooner because—" she trailed off, not finishing her sentence. "I'm a newer employee. I've only waited on her a handful of times. I've always been suspicious, but I admit I should've called you sooner for legitimacy."

What an utter, blatant lie, Liz had been with this company for at least three years. I couldn't figure out what she was trying to achieve by acting this way.

She paused and shot me a glare before handing the phone over. "He wants to speak with you," she practically spat the words out.

I offered her an 'I'm-not-bothered-by-your-petty-bullshit' smile and placed the receiver against my ear. "Hey."

"Hey. Everything good?"

I turned partially away from Liz when she leaned forward to eavesdrop. "Now it is."

"Is this the woman you've told me about?"

"Sure is."

Ethan heaved a sigh. "I'm sorry, Cass. I didn't know she treated you like this. I'll speak with management."

"No, it's fine. I'm used to it," I said, twisting my head, and lifting my gaze to make direct eye contact with her. "I'm not trying to get her fired or anything."

Liz's cheeks mottled an angry red, but the worry in her eyes before she cast them down made me feel a little better about my decision for Ethan to not speak to the owner. I couldn't fault someone who needed to work for money. I was in the same boat.

"So I'll see you tonight?"

I rolled my eyes. "Well, of course! When am I not with you?"

He chuckled.

"My next stop is the grocery store. Any requests for dinner?"

"Mm, something with shrimp."

"Wow, you're just loads of help."

"I trust your judgment," he paused and I could practically hear the gears spinning in his head. He was cooking something up, something— "Seth should be back at the apartment in a little over an hour. Maybe you guys can talk... I mean take advantage of this alone time. I've got a few more hours of school and teaching, so I won't be home until later."

I frowned when Liz tapped her fake French manicured nails against the countertop as she waited for my signature. "I don't think I want to talk to him about that, not so soon at least."

"Then don't. Talk about other things. Watch a movie, make out and get ready for tonight, something... anything. I don't want things getting rocky or uncomfortable between the three of us."

"I don't either. You guys are pretty much all I have."

"Cass—"

"Ethan, I get it. No rocking the boat on my end, at least not any more than I have to because I haven't changed my mind." I bit my bottom lip and continued, "A-are you okay with that? I mean, with what you said earlier, about tonight? You won't be there so—"

"I don't have a problem with it."

"Oh, okay. Bye!"

"Wait! Cassie—"

Handing the phone back to Liz, I signed the receipt and accepted the bags, ignoring her look of distaste as I walked out of the store.

The idea of being alone with Seth was more intimating than it had ever been. I'd always been super safe-feeling and comfy with him. Since this 'feeling' was new territory I took my time grocery shopping and when I was finished with that I stopped at the park. It was cold enough that nothing would thaw out and the swing sets had always helped me deal with the small bouts of drama in my life.

Going up to the swing sets, I tore my shoes and socks off, sinking my toes into the sand. It squished and separated as I took steps foreword. When I sat on the swing, the metal chrome-colored rings dug into my hands as I held on tight before pumping my legs to gain height.

I pumped my legs until they hurt, got so high my heart leaped into my chest, but it did what it was supposed to do. It kept me from thinking, and with every piece of my hair snapping into my eyes due to the rough wind that followed each back and forth swings, I knew it was what I needed.

It started getting dark quick, unnoticeably so too. I'd been caught deep into my 'no-thinking-for-Cassie" zone that I almost worried about Edy's ice cream I'd grabbed. I wanted to hide from Seth's haunted, angry look that had been directed at me forever, but I'll be damned if I let my mint chocolate chip ice cream suffer from my fear.

"I don't want to fight," I whispered, feeling slightly panicked as I got off the swing and reached for my discarded shoes and socks.

I didn't bother putting them on, I just gathered them close to my chest and headed towards Ethan's car. Driving barefoot may have been one of my dirtier habits, but the pedals against the soles of my feet made me feel like I had more control. Something I was lacking in all aspects of my life at the moment, so I'd get it where I could.

By the time I was at Ethan's apartment, the sun had fully set and the uneasiness in my chest at being alone with Seth disappeared as I saw Ethan's SUV. I exhaled slowly, got out, gathered the groceries, and made the semi-long trek to the fancy window elevator.

Tonight was going to be the night. Even after that small hiccup. Seth wanted this; it was something he'd made very clear in the beginning. I wanted this. Ethan—well I think he wanted this too. It was okay to move forward now that we'd gotten familiar with each other intimately.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened to Ethan's floor.

Shuffling out, I reached Ethan's door and twisted the knob. With my hip, I pushed it open and dragged the bags to the kitchen. I did the shopping, so I didn't want to put it away but decided I would take one for the team so we could get to business quicker.

"Hopefully, sex business and not shout business," I mumbled under my breath as I put away the last item.

It was quiet. I hadn't noticed until the crinkling of plastic and paper bags had stopped. This meant they weren't in the living room. Ethan's apartment was nice. Higher on the high-end side, but he rented it for its simplicity. There were a total of three rooms: the kitchen, the living room, and Ethan's bedroom, which was attached to the bathroom.

The bedroom.

I rubbed my hands together and darted for the door only to find the area empty as well. The pitter-patter of water falling pulled me towards the bathroom.

The door was cracked enough that the moisture from the steam of the shower clung to my skin as I fanned it out of my face and stuck my foot out, nudging the door open with my big toe.

I stood there and watched them. The water falling from the rain can showerhead above Ethan and Seth seemed to use their bodies like a playground. It played, it sculpted, it even rested in the dips of their shoulders and where their bellies touched. In a dictionary, the definition of beautiful would have a picture of this scene right next to it as an example.

Seth whispered something in Ethan's ear and the heart stopping-smile he shot Seth made me ache, but it wasn't like the burning lava of lust from before, this ache was different. I bit my lip, shifting my watery eyes down. It was hard to breathe as I clutched my chest. My heart was heavy; feeling like it would dislodge and drop to my feet at any moment.

The acidic churn in my stomach intensified as Seth skimmed his teeth along the curve of Ethan's jaw. Knowing full well I should leave, I lifted my gaze back to them scowling because for the first time in my life I wanted to yank someone's hair out.

Okay, maybe I was exaggerating a bit. I didn't want to hurt Seth or Ethan, not really. But the longing to belong: for it to be okay for me to go in there with them, to be there between them...

Should I interrupt? Would they get mad?

The gentle, encouraging smile Ethan gave Seth spoke volumes. This was supposed to be a private moment between real lovers. It wasn't supposed to include a best friend Ethan and Seth occasionally indulged.

The sharp pain that radiated through my jaw, from gritting my teeth, made me gasp. Jealousy wasn't pleasant; in fact, it was downright painful. I could feel it eating away at me. And what was worse? I didn't have the right to be jealous. I knew what I was getting into when I asked for this. Didn't I know I could never fully belong to them?

Was it even right for me to want that in the first place?

Leaning my head against the door, I watched them exchange tender kisses. With a smile, Ethan kneeled in front of Seth, lapping at the streaming water clinging to Seth's rippling stomach muscles as he went. When his knees settled on the tiled floor, Ethan thrust his face forward, but seemed to be in a teasing mood and pulled a few inches away at the last minute. It was clear he wasn't going to give in easily as he tongued the tip of Seth's dick. Seth's arms darted forward, slipping through Ethan's wet hair, pulling him closer, but Ethan resisted, offering a teasing, come-hither grin instead.

"I wanna fuck your mouth," Seth said with a guttural growl.

Oh shit. I took a step closer, close enough to see more clearly, but not close enough to step onto the damp tiled floor. My feet would not leave the shaggy carpet of Ethan's bedroom.

Definitely not.

Ethan's eyes glinted with mischief as he tilted his head to the side. Biting my lip, I swallowed as lingering traces of that ugly emotion burned away and shifted to mild arousal tweaking between my legs. With care not to be loud, I let my knees collapse under me. I curved into myself, dropping my forehead to the tan carpeted floor, fighting an internal batter of 'should I stay or should I go?'.

"Who's stopping you?"

Huddled down on the ground made it hard to hear the muffled excitement of Seth encouraging Ethan forward, but I still managed to get the gist.

"God, I love you." Seth's laugh transitioned to a chopping high pitched gasp of pleasure.

Talk about a bucket of cold water. That mild arousal tingling in my stomach vanished. It was one thing to hear them having sex without me, but to hear Seth, of all people, throwing out 'I love you's' just wasn't expected. Seth was stone cold when it came to words of love and adoration of the 'I love you's' nature. Him saying it now just helped me realize the truth once again.

You knew this is how it was going to be, Cassie. Don't be butt hurt.

I thought I knew what I was doing anyway. Being above this whole 'love' thing used to be my forte. The girl most likely to never fall in love was me. Given my past, it was hugely understandable to everyone too. Yet it happened, right underneath my nose. I loved Ethan in that way... and maybe Seth too.

I wanted them to love me like they loved each other.

My lips parted at the realization and I inhaled sharply through my nose. Hints of Seth's cologne and pine soap from the bathroom didn't help clear any thoughts either so I knew it was true. I still wanted him. I wanted them both. It wasn't just about sex. It wasn't just about virginity or me deciding to be a surrogate. I wanted to be with them.

To be in love with two gay—well bi-curious—guys was verging on hitting the line of 'no,' but wanting to be in a romantic relationship with both of them was heading way past the red zone of "hell no."

I didn't care about social standards because society didn't care much about me either and destiny didn't give a hoot on the account that I'd had three different sets of parents—well only two legally—and the first two sets had died. So this, this thing that I wanted between the three of us, was impossible. It was wishful thinking that I should be smart enough to know shouldn't happen. Wishful thinking was for people who had at least a 1% chance. I needed to count my blessings and be thankful Seth and Ethan were willing to indulge me.

I would be with them intimately, but only once and then... then we'd go back to being friends like it never happened.

"God," I whispered.

I'd known Ethan most of my life and Seth had been a part of that life for almost three years now. I was so stupid to think I'd be okay with going back to the way things were.

Tears collected at the corners of my eyes and I lifted my gaze to watch them. My heart just didn't realize the complication this presented. And where this sexy, deep-throating blow job (apparently Ethan didn't have a gag reflex like I did) should have been sexually stimulating and getting me hot, it was only hurting me. Every touch, every smile, every groan, every pleading whisper from Seth... it all came from a place I didn't know anything about, a place of real romantic love, a place where I didn't belong and never would.

Seth cried out as one of Ethan's hands curled around Seth's ass and pushed forward. Given the thrusting movements of Ethan's arm, I could only imagine what he was doing. Seth's clutching fingers pulled at Ethan's hair.

Tilting my head to the side I focused on Seth's face. His jaw jutted out, his lips parted, his face tipped towards the ceiling like he was receiving a miracle. And wasn't he about to? I'd heard prostate stimulated orgasms were intense.

Seth was beautiful; in different ways than Ethan. Seth was the night to Ethan's day with his darker, caramel-colored skin and black hair. And, it made me wonder, if Seth was night and Ethan was day... where did I fit in? There's only yin to yang, nothing else.

There was no long-term girl in this equation. I needed to get over this. Ethan was still going to pop my cherry. Nothing could change my mind about that, but I needed some distance if I wasn't going to become that obsessed girl, the one who wanted the two most important guys in her life to love no one else but her.

I loathe that girl.

I've seen that girl. And it never ends pretty for that girl.

I couldn't be her. I was different and I wasn't built to break, so I would deal.

Wobbling to my feet, I went to close the door, just as Seth shot his load down Ethan's throat. The boyish cry of release echoed off the walls and Seth's arms wrapped around Ethan's head, pulling him so close that his nose hit Seth's groin. Seth continued to pulse his hips in rough thrusts, and the once boyish cry changed into a long, animalistic growl.

Toxic. Toxic. You're both so toxic for my heart.

I needed another harder core mental boot camp to whip my thoughts into shape. My 'frustrated virgin syndrome' was going to face another day. Maybe then I could pull it together and I could turn this toxic kind of love back into the friendship kind of love. It would be cake. And Ethan and Seth would never have to know the difference.

My bottom lip stung from biting it so hard, as I nodded my head furiously and quickly walked away from the bathroom and out of the bedroom. Stopping by, loading the cabinets and fridge, and then leaving unannounced would get me an earful tomorrow, but I wasn't an expert at hiding such volatile emotions, and unfortunately, Ethan was an expert at reading me. As much as I wanted to be here, I just couldn't.

This was the only way. I wasn't going to lose them because of this.

Blowing a kiss towards the bathroom door, I darted out of Ethan's room and quietly tiptoed to the front door.

They could never know.