Chapter 63

clyde pov

Clarissa looked bewildered as she tried to take in the whole information about her origin and everything about what happened to the white wolves that existed before they were destroyed by alpha Andrew . She couldn't take it anymore, it was quite obvious on her face as I watched her closely. I didn't think she knew how or when she stood up and walked out of the study still looking shocked and unable to utter a word to leo and Lima.
I quickly offered an apology to both of them and quickly followed Clarissa to make sure she was alright. I wouldn't be completely fine if I were in her shoes, because that whole revelation as my history will also come as a shock to me.

I heard the tap rushing from the kitchen and followed the sound, to find Clarissa by the tap fetching a glass of water to drink. Her hands were shaky and her face was pale. Poor Clarissa! I could understand that must be hard for her, having to find out that her whole life up till now was a lie. Been told she was an omega, being treated at the lowest of all low, made to do the most hurtful and degrading things to her dignity, made to go through ordeals that had scarred her for life; I knew it was going to take her a while to take it all in and come to peace with her history and who she really was.

I approached her and took the glass from her hand and she rested her head on my chest while breathing hard "I'm so sorry clyde, I just couldn't take any more in, I didn't mean to walk out" she apologized and I patted her hair gently while shushing her "its fine Clarissa, they would understand, I understand. I know it's a lot to take in at once so take all the time you need sweetie. I'm here for you love" I said trying to make her feel better and began to slowly stroke her back too, hoping it also helps. She sighed and hugged me "thanks for being there for me clyde"
"You don't have to be thankful Clarissa, I tell you that all the time" I replied but she shrugged "I can't help it" she defended and pulled from the hug, her eyes looked teary and her face was sad… it broke me.

"Clarissa are you okay?" I asked her and she nodded then forced a smile at me "of course… I just need a moment to myself so I'll be in my room" she answered as her voice gradually broke, letting me know she was at the brink of crying. This was bad. Clarissa wasn't the cry baby type… so that meant this was really huge news for her to take in. She gave me a peck and went around me to exit the kitchen and left for her room. I knew she just needed privacy to bawl her eyes out to her content but I didn't want that, I hated seeing her sad and I felt obligated at that moment to try everything possible that I could to make her feel better because I knew she was currently having many questions, doubts and questions running through her mind like an unstoppable train.

I had to do something to distract her before she was going to have a mental breakdown.

Clarissa's pov

I got into my room and quickly jammed the door then rested on it before sliding to the floor as the tears I tried to keep at bay in front of clyde finally had their way out forcefully. There was a high probability that I was a white wolf now and I didn't know how I was supposed to take the earth shattering news without fretting or even giving a single reaction. It wasn't amusing to me nor was it something I felt like celebrating. There were no white wolves in existence anymore according to the myths I heard ever since I was a child at the paz pack. I was made to believe I was an omega and was treated really badly for years when there was a possibility I could be a descendant of the greatest and most powerful wolves that ever existed before they all got killed and vanished from the face of earth.

Then how did I survive? Did my parents really abandon me? Or they saved me? Were they alive or not? Did they even know if I survived or not? What if they were alive, how would I find them? What if I wasn't even a white wolf and it was just a curse inflicted on me to die for maybe my parents' deeds?
I groaned and hit my head as a million questions swept my mind and made me quite dizzy while the tears flowed like a river out of my eyes. I wasn't myself, I didn't know if I would be. How could all these be happening to me in one lifetime? People said only bad luck befalls those that did evil in their past lives and I wondered… was I probably that evil in my previous life? What did I do that was so grievous to make me suffer this much in this life I lived now?

First it was the whole experience with Kyle and lina as they maltreated me and filled me with hate for the works because they made me think all werewolves were like that; wicked, heartless and impassionate. My mind was tangled up, tied in jumbles of questions that seemed to want to drown me and cause emotional damage to myself at that moment. I quickly recovered myself and stood up, took a tissue from my drawer and dried the tears still running down my face, I realized just thinking about these questions wasn't going to get me answers, so I was going to patiently wait till I was myself once again and kindly ask leo and Lima to go on with the whole generational revelation about the white wolves which I probably was… but a strong part of me knew I was.

I had my face cleaned with the tissue and then rinsed my face to prevent it from getting puffed up because it always did that whenever I cried. I did cry a lot as a child growing up in a really cruel pack, surrounded by bullies and no one to save me or fight for me but once I grew up a bit, the tears stopped coming when I accepted the life the moon goddess had ordained for me as I believed and just felt emptiness in my heart… until I escaped and found myself in this pack, then I became alive again.

All these memories just seemed to strangely awaken and I did like it. I sat on my bed and took in deep breaths, trying to calm myself down and feel better so I could feel collected when I met everyone at dinner, Including clyde.
That didn't seem to be his plan though, as he opened my door and came in. He looked indecisive; like he was contemplating if he should come to me or leave me alone. I smiled inwardly and patted the space beside me on my bed as a gesture "you can stay" I told him and he smiled "I was scared… and I knew you came up to cry Clarissa" he said while looking at me with worry written in his eyes. I rolled my eyes and palmed my face "now I feel embarrassed" I said, my words coming out as a muffler through my fingers.

He came closer to me and gently peeled my hands off my face "Clarissa'' he called in a rather consoling tone and pulled me in for a hug. This hug felt different, it was like he was baring his soul to me, telling me he was here for me and was always going to be, like he was telling me I shouldn't be embarrassed to cry in front of him… all these unspoken but understood words hung in the air above our heads and I couldn't help but sigh In relief against his chest
"I'm sorry, it's just… I hate letting people see me cry. They bullied me for crying, and called me names when my eyes got teary so I just believed crying made me weak, I stopped and only felt empty afterward" I told him and he kissed me on my forehead.
"I cry too Clarissa and I've never considered it a weakness. Getting this pack wasn't easy or all roses till I got to where I am now… I cried too, I lost people and I cried, I failed many times and I cried. camilla was mostly the one who consoled me or sometimes we'd cry together and got stronger together too because we weren't afraid to share our fears and sorrow" he told me and I couldn't help but get teary again
"Do you still cry?" I asked him and he nodded while playing with locks of my hair and caressing my face "of course I do Clarissa, I'm only a werewolf with feelings running through my veins" he replied and a tear dropped from my eye.

I felt so lucky to have him for the umpteenth time and I hugged him tighter "I love you clyde, I'm lucky to have you" I said and he ruffled my hair "so am I Clarissa, so am I" he replies and only our breathing were the audible sounds in my bed room before I realized we left leo and Lima waiting
"Oh shit! We got to go back to leo and Lima" I exclaimed and clyde laughed "how your mood changes so swiftly amazes me" he said and gave me a quick kiss "but I still love you that way" he added, making me blush and we broke the hug.

"We don't have to go back, we agreed to continue tomorrow and they know their way round the house. They once lived here, remember?" He told me and I felt happy at that moment because honestly, I didn't want to go back there to hear another mind bugging news that could give me a panic attack this time. So I nodded and smiled "tomorrow we'll go on then" I agreed and clyde nodded then snapped his fingers "they also offered a solution, to help you find out if you're actually a white wolf or not" he said and my interest peaked
"What is it?" I asked and he explained
"They said they could use your DNA to know if you're a white wolf or not, but they can't tell the reason why your fur changed its color suddenly. It's a mystery to them too" clyde told me and I nodded "it's still a better offer" I said
"Yeah but it could take time to get the result, so before then, we'll head to the priest to find out more. What do you think?"
"I love it clyde, thanks" I told him excitedly and he grinned "glad I could help" he said and stood up to leave after giving me a peck on my cheek.

I wasn't feeling fidgety anymore, thanks to clyde. He was my medicine and that I couldn't deny because he knew it too and always did whatever he could to make me feel better at any time he knew something was wrong with me. The solution he offered also helped in lessening the burden in my mind and I felt quite better than I did when I came into to the room. I laid on my bed and soon my eyes began to feel drolly… it wouldn't hurt to take a nap, I thought. So I did.

********************

The room was dimly lit and I could hardly make out where I was. I called out for someone but I couldn't hear my voice. I began to panic, hoping someone would come for my help soon in case I was in danger. Suddenly I saw a tiny light form and it transformed into a person. I looked closely and it was alpha Graham smiling at me, his hands clasped together "alpha Graham" I called out once my eyes adjusted to the light and I saw him but my voice still wasn't audible
"Let time take its course Clarissa, and you'll know all you're meant to fulfill… greatness is yours dear on" he said and with that he vanished into thin air. I was scared and tried to scream but my voice still wasn't hearable. I began to panic and looked for an exit…..

With a gasp I jolted up in my bed and looked around once I realized it was a dream. I remembered what Alpha Graham said to me and wondered if it was a message.


CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

Clarissa's pov

The room was dimly lit and I could hardly make out where I was. I called out for someone but I couldn't hear my voice. I began to panic, hoping someone would come for my help soon in case I was in danger. Suddenly I saw a tiny light form and it transformed into a person. I looked closely and it was alpha Graham smiling at me, his hands clasped together "alpha Graham" I called out once my eyes adjusted to the light and I saw him but my voice still wasn't audible

"Let time take its course Clarissa, and you'll know all you're meant to fulfill… greatness is yours dear," he said and with that, he vanished Into thin air. I was scared and tried to scream but my voice still wasn't hearable. I began to panic and looked for an exit…..

With a gasp, I jolted up in my bed and looked around once I realized it was a dream. I remembered what Alpha Grahaml said to me and wondered if it was a message.

Fuck! That was the most creepy dream I've had in forever. Alpha's Grahaml's voice continued to resound in my head until it started to hurt. I needed to think of something else but it wasn't going anyway —I could neither take Alpha Grahaml's words nor his face out of my face.

I tried a series of diverse ways to try to sleep but all my efforts were futile and there was practically no other thing I could do. I checked the time and it was still after midnight. 2:25 am to be exact. Fifteen extra minutes of restlessness followed suit and that was when I made up my mind to go meet clyde. I crept out of my bed as a child would but I never took off the quilt wrapped around me. The temperature had dropped causing everything to be a chilled mess. My legs shook as I found my way over to clyde room.


Knock knock!

My fist came in contact with the Turkish mahogany door in clyde room but I heard no reply from the other end.

Knock knock!


I knocked on the door again and maybe this time a little bit harder but yet there wasn't a reply from the other side of the room. I turned back and was grumpily walking back to my room when I saw someone walking toward me. It was camilla!

"Clarissa! What are you doing awake and outside by this time" camilla asked, taking in my stance?

"I had a dream and so I couldn't sleep"

"And you wanted to go meet clyde but he wouldn't open his door right?"

"Yeah, he wouldn't," I said with a fallen countenance. The truth is that there's nothing that feels better than the feeling of warmth and comfort I always get from clyde.

"I could pull down his walls if you want me to or you could talk to me instead" camilla suggested after weighing my pros and cons, I decided to give camilla a shot. I could always go to clyde anytime I want and yes, he is my mate and he loves me so much but there was a level of compatibility I shared with camilla that had always made talking to her easier and very comfortable. And I know for a fact that I could make do with a woman to woman's time—whatever the co notion meant.

"Yeah, I could always talk to you, instead," I said and camilla chuckled. "It's good to know you'd choose me over clyde" she chirped, using her teeth to bite down on her tongue.

"You both are Important to me" I replied, and camilla looked at me in awe.

"How intelligent are you? clyde is indeed happy" she continued and added a sigh.

"Let's go?"

camilla didn't answer, instead, she lightly poked a finger into my fist that was clenched all over the quilt around me. She loosened it and used it to cover both of us instead. "I'm cold too," she said and we both laughed.

We were both seated in camilla's room, I on her bed draped over a duvet with a mug of hot latte while camilla was on her couch, in the opposite direction with a mug of latte as well and wrapped too.

"So tell me, why couldn't you sleep?" She asked me.

"I had a bad dream"

"Yeah, you did…. You did say that. What was it about?"

"It was about my first Alpha—Alpha Grahaml. The one who took me and raised me and catered for me. The one that named me Clarissa—according to him, he never stressed choosing a name for me. The name Clarissa was inscribed in the white towel in which I was wrapped when he found me. He also said, he settled with the name because I looked everything like it—Hope and Light. And he also strongly believed that one day, I will live up to it. I saw him and he looked so real. He was wearing his favorite shirt, the one I had inherited after his death. I had to keep him close somehow, especially after the new Alpha made us slaves, at first it was the only thing that made me go on. Because I felt we were still with me and that he would guide and protect me… of course, it did. I did feel him strongly when I had the shirt with me until Alpha Andrew somehow found out about it and for reasons, I don't know, snatched the shirt and shredded it or to piece it before burning it. " I paused as sob prickled and threatened to fall out of my eyes. As I talked about Alpha Graham
, all the memories I had of him started to come back to me. Some words he had said and the lesson he made sure we learned and as I remember those things, saw him again appear to me and mouthed " in due time, everything will be revealed" the same words he had said in my dream.


"Alpha Graham must be a really nice person, right?" camilla asked with a small smile.

"He was the nicest person to have ever walked upon the earth's surface. The most selfless Alpha that I knew. Although I was only a child and he had no reason to keep me, I was virtually of no use to him, but he kept me and took care of me, and when he felt that staying at the packhouse was much of a risk to me, he handed me over to the nuns with other girls and gave them strict instructions to cater and protect us and that they should not fail to call him whenever things seemed like it was going out of hand. he was the nicest werewolf I know but everything changed when I met you guys —you, Theodore, and clyde. There are no proper words to describe your good heart." I adjusted the part of the duvet that fell off my body and continued. "After everything Lima and leo said, I became a whole lot of things. One of them was restless. I was so restless, that things of the past appeared in my mind, giving me more than a thousand questions. Why and how did they happened? And why I didn't remember that part of my life, before now. Something was amiss but I couldn't figure out why. When I eventually slept, he appeared in my dream and said I shouldn't try to force things and just let things happen on their own and according to time. He said everything will be revealed in time and I have no idea what that meant….and me being me, I couldn't sleep or function properly without my mind diverting to things. Things which would appear random at first, but eventually they would start to make sense. Deep… deep meaning"

I looked up from my hands and camilla was already looking at me.

"Those… those are indeed deep. And with everything that has happened and is happening, I'd say everything is linked. Interpretation of dreams had never been my forte. But I'm sure either Lima or leo will have something more meaningful to say to you by morning. And I'm sorry that you are getting this confused over what you are supposed to know… I mean it's your right to know your origin right?"

"Yeah, I guess"

"No one deserves to have so much difficulty trying to find out where he or she was from. I never had a good relationship with my family and in truth, I don't exactly know what happened to them but at least, I know where I was from and I don't have to go through the trouble of finding out some certain truth, because I was aware from the start that I wasn't wanted…. My parents…" She stopped, buckled her lower lip in between her teeth, and continued "I'm sorry. This isn't about me. Let's focus on you"


"No, no, no. It's fine camilla. You've always listened to me rant about my problems. I'm more than willing to hear your story too. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I never knew your childhood was like that. I know what it feels like to not be wanted, most especially by the person you want the most. I know what it feels like to grow without a parent or a parent's love. I know how bad it feels to know you aren't wanted by your parents, or instead of not wanting you at all, or throwing you away to prevent their conscience from bawling at them. They keep you and make you suffer for their sins and hate you because you didn't pay enough price for it and still blame you for the mistakes they themselves make. You don't have to be careful around me camilla, I might not be Theodore, or clyde, or Lima, or leo but I know what it feels to grow in a toxic world full of lies and deceit, where truth and honesty are the perfect synonyms for delusions."

"And yes you are not Luckynor clyde nor leo nor Lima. You are Clarissa. You are my friend. You are my sister. I'm not being careful around you Clarissa and if I am, it is because I don't want to scare you away. Most times, we are not always what we seem…. We are just like sour soggy mashed potatoes on a fine paper bag. Trust me there is dirt deep inside of me and I'm scared of letting it out because I don't want to be judged. I'm not as strong as you are Clarissa. I cannot face my fears head-on as you do. And thank you for not trying to me clyde or Luckyor leo or Lima. Because for some time now, I haven't needed them. I've been needing Clarissa and Clarissa has been available. The goddess blesses Alpha Graham for sticking with Clarissa—you are indeed hope and light. And maybe you can't see it now, but I'm sure that one day, our kind will come to your light. You'll be our hope"


"Tch… come to my light? I might not be as strong as you think camilla. I'm scared. I'm scared that I might be a white wolf. I'm scared I won't be able to protect myself because they will come looking for me and may try to end my life.

"And they won't succeed because we all are here with them. You. And I'm sure that, with time, you too will realize and see your light. With time you'll know just how strong you are"


***********
Morning came pretty early and I couldn't be more happier. After my chit chat moment with camilla, I suddenly found the strength I needed and believed in her words "all will be fine in due time"

It was with this newfound strength and belief that I went back to leo and Lima. After apologizing for walking out on them yesterday, they weaved off and said they understood so we continued from where we stopped.

"clyde said you guys have an alternate solution?" I asked after about ten minutes of answering their question.

"Uh, yes," leo answered.

"May I know what it is?"

"Sure… we'll have to conduct a blood test and see if it matches with that of the white wolves, if it does, it means you are primordial but it doesn't. We'll have to call the priest."