Chapter 54

“I am sorry that you are feeling this way, Derek,” she said softly. “I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.”

He lifted his head and looked into her eyes. “Yes, there is something you can do, Rachel. Marry me.”

Her jaw dropped. “What?”

“Marry me, Rachel,” he repeated. “Let’s become a real family; you, me, and Zoe. Isn’t that what you have always wanted?”

“Yeah, but not like this,” she said, annoyed.

He slapped his forehead with his open palm and said, “Damn, you’re right. I don’t have a ring and I was supposed to get down on one knee.”

Rachel felt insulted that he would reduce what was supposed to be a deeply emotional and happy moment to something so mundane as kneeling and having a ring.

“Derek, there’s more to getting married than just having a ring or going down on one knee. Do you even realize what you’re saying? You have unresolved issues from your past and instead of you trying to sort that out first, you are planning to drag me into your confusion.”

He flinched as if he had been slapped. “Excuse me? What are you talking about?”

She stepped away from him with eyes blazing and her fists clenching. “Enough is enough, Derek Fraser. I am no longer going to let you use me as a human band-aid to patch up your broken heart. We are done, Derek. Done!”

**********

Maybe it was her anger that gave her clarity of direction because she found her way through the maze in record time without bumping into any dead ends. She had left the cottage immediately after that awful exchange between her and Derek in the kitchen, and luckily for her, the rain had stopped as soon as she stepped outside.
The first person she ran into when she got to the manor was Connor who showed up just as she walked through the front door. His eyebrows flew up when he saw how she was dressed and his jaw dropped.

“Don’t ask,” she said before he could recover from his surprise. “Where is Alfred?”

“Er, in the library,” said Connor. “Would you like to go to your room and change first before – ?”

“No,” she replied sharply. “I’m sure you have other things to do, Connor. I’ll find my way to the library now if you don’t mind.”

She didn’t wait for his response before marching away with her chin up and her back straight. She was way too angry to bother with propriety right now and the prudish butler will just have to suck it up and mind his business.

When she barged into the library, Alfred was first startled by her noisy entrance, and then surprised to see her there in a bathrobe with disheveled hair and a pair of oversized slippers.

“Rachel! What are you doing here? Why are you dressed like that? Where is Derek? Is everything ok?”

“If you’re trying to wear me down with questions, you’re doing a good job of it,” she said sardonically.

“Sorry, darling. I’m just so surprised to see you. I didn’t know you guys were back from the cottage.”

“I came back alone,” she clarified. “And you were wrong, Alfred. I can’t fix Derek, I’ve tried before and I’ve tried again but it’s not working and I’m tired of trying. I shouldn’t have to work this hard to get him to fall in love with me.”

Alfred stood up from his chair and put down the book he had been reading. “Do you want to talk about it over a cup of tea?” He asked, coming to join her where she stood at the doorway.

“There’s nothing to talk about. Derek has a lot of emotional baggage to shed before he can even think of falling in love with anyone. I was a fool to think that spending all this time with him would make a real difference in our relationship but I know now that isn’t going to happen. I am expecting too much from him and he’s going to keep disappointing me because he can’t give what he doesn’t have.”

Alfred looked crestfallen. “Oh, Rachel… I am so sorry to hear this. I was really rooting for you guys.”

“I know but I need to let him go now before my heart breaks any further. I can’t take it anymore,” she said brokenly. Tears filled her eyes and she tried to blink them away but they betrayed her and rolled down her cheeks.

“Please, don’t cry,” said Alfred. “I wish there was something I can do to help. I hate seeing you like this.”

She wiped her tears and sniffled. “Can I ask you for a huge favor?”

“Anything,” he replied without hesitation.

“I would like to return to the U.S. tomorrow with Zoe but I don’t want to go in Derek’s jet. Could you please arrange for our flight back home?”

Alfred sighed heavily. “Rachel…”

“Please,” she begged earnestly.

“Listen, I can have my jet fly you guys back but I don’t want you to… you know, widen the gap between you and Derek by carting you guys off to America while he remains here wallowing in misery. You saw how he was this morning, he’s unhappy but having you and Zoe around him would lift his spirits.”

“My spirits need lifting too and it can’t happen while I’m in the same space with him. I need to leave, Alfred. I appreciate your warm hospitality and generosity but I don’t want to sour the happy mood in the manor with this thing going on with me and Derek. I need to take a break from him, ok?”

“Yeah,” said Alfred, sounding like a defeated man. He was sad to see how things had turned out between his godson and his girlfriend but he was wise enough to know that it wasn’t his place to try and force things to work right now. Rachel needed time to get over her disappointment, while Derek needed to come to terms with what he had learned about his parents’ marriage and how that has shaped him as a person.

“I’ll have my assistant arrange the flight,” he said.

“Thank you,” she replied gratefully. “I’ll go upstairs and pack.”

She left the library and made her way to the second floor, and as she climbed the stairs, she was overwhelmed by a strong wave of sadness, making her break down in tears again. She wondered why she was always so unlucky in love – why would something so beautiful cause her so much pain? These last couple of days have been wonderful but it was time for her to face reality once more. She needed to go back home and touch base with her family and friends and get out of this limbo she was living in with Derek.

It took her almost an hour to finish packing after which she got dressed and went to Zoe’s room to spend the rest of the day with her and Elaine. When evening came, Connor showed up to ask if they would be having dinner downstairs with Alfred or if they would rather eat in their rooms. She requested that their meals be brought upstairs to Zoe’s room because she would prefer to eat with her daughter and the nanny, and she conveyed her heartfelt apologies to Alfred. She didn’t want their host to attempt to talk her into changing her mind and staying back at the manor instead.

Two hours after they’d had dinner, she put Zoe to sleep and tiptoed out of the room to return to the one she shared with Derek. She hoped he would spend the night in the cottage but when she entered the room, she met him there, sitting at the edge of the bed and dressed in a white T-shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants.

“Is it true?” He asked with a hard expression.

“What?” She asked.

“Is it true that you’re leaving for the U.S. tomorrow with Zoe?”

“Oh, Alfred told you. Yes, it’s true.”

He ran his fingers through his hair in a gesture of exasperation. “Come on, Rachel. Are you going to do this every time we disagree?”

“Do what?”

“Pack your bags and run off. Do you have to do that all the time? Couples quarrel all the time but they don’t run away or break up their relationship because of that.”

“How would you know? Have you ever been in a real relationship before?”

“Seriously? Fine, maybe I haven’t been in a real relationship before but I know people who have and they don’t run away from each other whenever they disagree.”

“This isn’t just about us disagreeing, Derek. Can’t you see that we both want different things? You want me because I am convenient for you and being with me gives you unlimited access to Zoe, but I want more than that. I want respect and love, and you can’t give me any of that.”

He was hurt by her accusations and it showed on his face. “Do you think I don’t respect you?” He asked quietly. “Rachel, you are amazing. I rejected you and insulted you when told me you were having my baby. I wasn’t there for you at all but when I showed up and begged for your forgiveness, you forgave me and gave me a second chance. I don’t know anyone else in this world with a heart of gold like yours and I will forever respect you for that.”

His words moved her deeply but he still hadn’t said the words she wanted to hear. “But do you love me?” She blurted out shamelessly. She needed a direct answer from him this time.