Twenty-one

The drive back is quiet. Finally, after a moment, I say, "Thank you."
He glances at me from the road. "For what?"
"For talking with me and being a good friend, even when I was an ass." I stare at my lap.
He grins at the road. "Anything for you, even when you're an ass." He smiles at me.
I glance up and smile.
"So what are you going to do?" He gazes back at the road. "About Professor Collins?"
I suck in my lips as I stare out the window. "I don't know. I'm not even sure what I feel is real anymore."
He slowly exhales. "Look, I didn't mean to get into your head." He doesn't remove his eyes from the road. "I just wanted you to be a little more careful. If he is what you want, then go for it. Just know your cautions."
I glance at him, then back out the window as we pull up to a red light. There's an Ihop to the right. I've not eaten at all today, despite my parents offering lunch. I wasn't hungry. Perhaps my appetite failed with the fact that my parents are around while Dean is on my mind. However, that hunger has caught up with me now.
"Can you stop here?" I gesture my chin towards the building.
He smiles at me. "Ihop?"
"Yes." I chuckle. "I haven't eaten all day." My fingers brush my hair back.
He nods. "That sounds like an emergency. We need to get you food now." He smiles while turning right into the parking lot.
I grin at my lap. I'm glad to be with him right now. He's been helpful with all of this. Maybe I do love Dean, maybe I don't. I know that I can talk to Blake about it more. He seems like someone who's familiar with these things. I, on the other hand, am not.
We are directed to a table by the window when we walk in. I sit across from Blake.
"How. . .do I know if I love him?" I ask after a gulp.
The waitress sets down menus on our table.
His eyes glance down then back up. "It's the little things. One day, you wake up and the first person you think of is him. Sometimes it's the small gestures he'll make for you or even how happy he makes you." He grabs the salt shaker and examines it. "I wouldn't put so much thought into it. Like I said, you just know."
"What can I get you guys to drink?" The red-headed waitress politely asks. She glances at Blake with a shy smile.
"Water." I glance up at her.
"Water." Blake repeats to the waitress.
She smiles at Blake, her cheeks turning red. Obviously she likes him. I glance at him to see if he notices. He just watches me instead, ignoring the obvious, crushing girl beside him. She nods once and turns around anxiously towards the back. He then lays his eyes on the salt shaker.
I nod my head slowly after thinking about it. "He does. . .make me happy. He's very considerate and generous. I know that he wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me." I smile at the table and open the menu.
Why did I ever get second thoughts about him? Of course I love him.
"But?" He glances up from the salt shaker. He sets it down to pick up his menu.
"But what?" I chuckle. "That's it." My eyes draw down at the list of pancakes. I begin to consider if I want plain or chocolate chip.
He presses his lips into a hard line. "You didn't sound sure." His hands rest the menu flat down on the table.
I glance up from the list. "But he's. . .so. . .serious. It's like all he wants is just sex." I swallow hard.
He watches me for a moment. His eyes draw back down to the menu, like he's building up something in his head but he won't say.
"I shouldn't be telling you all of this." I frown at my lap. "I should've never told you anything."
"Don't get angry with me. I'm trying to help." He snaps.
I push my face into my palms while resting my elbows on the table. "I know." I mumble while shaking my head. "I'm sorry. I just don't know what I want." I remove my hands from my face with a sigh.
"It's okay." His grin twitches, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. "You love him. Don't overthink it."
I nod while thinking about the night at Paris. I then think about the first night I slept with him and how generous he was. I think about the way he looks at me and the way he makes love to me. He would do anything for me. He would never hurt me nor leave me. He's the best man I've ever met. "I love him." I admit with a smile.
I love him.
* * *
I had a great time with Blake. He really made me laugh and turned this day around. I enjoy being around him. He's such a character. He's a goof.
I walk through my door and spot my parents sitting on the ground. They both play a card game while laughing. Their eyes light up when they spot me. "Hey!" My mother greets while laughing. "Come join us."
I grin. "I'm really tired. I should get some rest." I glance at the clock. 8:08 PM.
Actually, I'd like to talk to Dean. I want to tell him that I do love him. I've never said it. He needs to know.
My mother rises. "Where were you all day?"
I smile at the ground. "I was out with a friend. We just got some dinner and then went bowling. It was fun. It took some stress off my chest."
She smiles. "Was this a boy?" She narrows her eyes while being enthused.
I chuckle. "Yes, but we're just friends. Now, I really need some rest."
She smirks at me. "Alright, sweetie." She walks towards the door, my father rising while collecting the cards in his hands and follows her. She stops at the door. "We'll see you tomorrow." She rubs my shoulder and walks out the door.
I sigh while pulling my phone out of my pocket. I click on Dean's contact.
It rings five times before he answers, "Rosie. Hey."
I smile at the ground while walking slowly around my room. "Hey, can you come over? I've got to tell you something." My stomach flutters with excitement.
I've got some news for him. Great news.
* * *
Dean smiles at me when I let him in. "What do you need to tell me?"
"Well," I begin. "today I was talking to Blake and-"
He stops me. "Wait, you were with Blake?" He narrows his eyes. "I thought you were with your parents?" He frowns.
My lips fall apart. I huff with a smile. "Well, yes, I was." I shake my head. "But then Blake came over and we went out. We just talked, that's it."
He folds his arms. "You went out? Like a date?" He scowls. "What? Do you like him now? How about you date him instead."
I raise my arms up innocently. "Whoa, Dean, calm down. We didn't-"
"Calm down?" He interrupts. "First you text him all day, then you defend him from me, now you're going out with him and lying about it? What happened to being loyal? I thought I could trust you." His voice rises as he stomps forward.
I back up once as I gasp. "Dean?" I frown. "I wasn't lying. I just didn't have the time to tell you."
"Because you were too busy fucking your new boyfriend." He snaps. "You know how I feel about him, yet you go behind my back and talk to him anyway. Again!" He shouts, his veins straining in his neck.
My fists clench down at my side as my chest puffs out. "I shouldn't need your god damn permission to talk to people!" I yell loudly. "We didn't do anything! We just talked about if I really loved you or not." I catch my breath while frowning at him, my face hot and red. My palms hurt from my long nails digging into them.
His frown falls, his eyes softening. "You had to reconsider your feelings for me?" His voice is low and soft.
I sigh while rolling my eyes. "No." I pause. "Well, yes. You're just so complicated. One minute you're cool and the next you're yelling." I gesture my hands to the both of us. "I just don't know how to feel about it." I lick my lips while staring at the ground. My toe turns back and forth into the tile.
"What are you trying to say? That you don't love me? 'Cause you never did say it. Still." He swallows hard.
I search the room as I admit softly, "I thought I did, Dean." My eyes meet his with a cold stare. "But I can't keep doing this. We can't keep fighting and making up. It's not healthy." I shake my head.
He turns his head away while shutting his eyes. "We can fix this."
"No." I argue. "We can't."
He opens his eyes to see mine. "Do you love me?" He freezes as his muscles tense up. His stare becomes sharp and vurnable.
I swallow hard while closing my eyes. "Not now, no. I don't." I hang my head. "I'm sorry." My voice whispers.
He inhales deeply while nodding his head. "Okay." His index finger and thumb run down his chin. "Then, goodbye, Rosie."
Tears roll down my cheek. "Bye, professor Collins." My chest thickens. It's not that I'm sad because I don't want him to leave, I'm sad for him. All along he thought the girl he loved felt the same way for him when she really never did. It must hurt.
He glances away painfully like as if I struck him with a bullet. He then opens the door and leaves. The door shuts quietly behind him.
My hands meet my face. I'm sorry.
* * *
The door wakes me up. I notice Julie not-so-quietly enter our room. She spots me and stretches her lips so that her teeth are revealed like I caught her stealing money.
"Oh, hey there." She welcomes quietly. "I didn't mean to wake you." She sets down her luggage beside her bed.
I sit up while squinting at her. A yawn slips my throat. "What are you doing back so early?" My head tilts. "Thanksgiving is in two days."
"Yes," She chuckles as she sits on her bed across from me. "but my parents had planned some trip to China tomorrow for the weekend so we decided to celebrate turkey day early." She smiles.
I giggle. "They didn't take you with them?" I slide my feet over onto the floor.
"They said they wanted to be alone romantically or whatever. It's fine. I got to see them." She shrugs and bends down to untie her shoe.
I laugh. "I think if I were you, I would be mad." I shake my head.
She glances up while loosening her shoe laces. "I'm not. Vacations with them always end badly. They get stressed, they yell, we get mad. . .eek." She shakes her head and loosens her other shoe laces.
I nod. "Ah, family vacations." I smile while understanding the situation.
She's not wrong. My parents are the same way. It's so awful to tolerate.
Julie throws her feet onto her bed with a sigh while laying down. She closes her eyes and utters, "I had the worst sleep on the plane. I think I'll take a nap now."
My eyes draw over to the clock. 7:45 AM.
I would go back to sleep too, but I'm already awake. My parents like to sleep in, so they probably won't be over until noon.
I fetch my phone from my charger just as it vibrates from a call. It's from Alex.
"Hey!" She greets when I answer. "Want to get some coffee?"
* * *
Today has to be the coldest day of the month. The sky is cloudy and gray. My nose even stings from the moist air. This kind of weather makes me so happy. I love cloudy and stormy days. Any day that involves covering the sun is my absolute favorite.
Alex and I sit across from each other near a window in our local café. I insisted on the window seat.
My cold hands wrap around my latte. It warms my palms comfortably.
After last night, I felt like I needed someone to talk to. I don't want to talk to Blake because I don't want him to blame himself. Since I told him anyway, I thought that Alex deserved to know. She's my best friend so I know I can trust her.
"Wow." She huffs while staring at her coffee. "That's a lot to take in."
I nod my head. "I know. I just needed someone to talk to. I'm glad I can come to you knowing that I can trust you." I relieve.
She grins. "Of course, honey. I'm always here." She rests her arms on the small table. "So you told him that you don't love him? Why?"
I lean back in my chair while enjoying the coffee scent this place offers. "I just don't think that I love him. I mean, sometimes I had told myself that I did, but I ended up not telling him. I just know that I've never really felt anything for him. I think I was always afraid."
She glances at the table. "Look, I know this is hard, but I think you did the right thing. He's your professor, Rosie."
My eyes switch up to hers. "Why does everyone keep telling me that?" I huff.
"Because it isn't right." She shakes her head. "It's just an unspoken rule."
I sit up and lower my eyes to my lap. "I guess. I just hate knowing that I hurt him. He didn't deserve that." I pull my phone out.
"Don't beat yourself up." She sighs and takes a sip of her coffee.
"I'll try not to." I turn on my phone to see an email. It's from the school.
I open it and gasp.
"What?" She asks.
"I've been removed from Professor Collins' class.