Here I Go Again

Lya

Oliver didn’t complain about me calling it an early night. He had offered to show me around a bit, but I just needed to be by myself. If I didn’t know any better, I would think Oliver was trying to surprise me with a date, but I was certain it just had to be a tactic to get answers out of me. I wasn’t exactly upset he was asking nosey questions - I knew that would be coming at some point - but I needed some time to think and process. The past few days had been such a whirlwind, I hadn’t even had time to do that.

I wondered if this was how they handled all surprise pack visitors. It didn’t seem at all like the most secure setup. This pack would be very easy to infiltrate if someone harbored any amount of ill will toward them. It couldn’t have happened before, though, otherwise I probably would have been in a cell rather than the packhouse. Maybe that reputation of Oliver’s really did precede him.

I sat in the loveseat in my room with a book cracked open on my lap, staring at the pages but not reading a word. It was hard to get my brain to even put thoughts together. Rose had come by shortly after I got back from dinner with Oliver and offered to spend some time with me, but she was understanding when I told her I just needed some time alone.

I didn’t know what to think of anything. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t think. I had more questions than I could wrap my head around. The only thing I had been able to accomplish was categorizing my questions.

First, there were questions about the now. Was I really here because of being a naive wolf, or was it just because Trevor’s plan had failed? Would I actually be allowed to leave if I tried? What was Trevor’s plan supposed to accomplish, and what had happened before that was threatening to happen again?

Then, of course, reading that werewolf book had just created more questions rather than answer any. I didn’t understand pack dynamics, or rogues, or hunters. And what was it Oliver meant when he alluded to Ted being a hunter?

Last were the maybe the most important things to know. Who was I? Was it really my dad that passed the wolf thing onto me? Why didn’t he tell me? And where did he go?

To be honest, I was feeling like a shell of myself here. I was a fish out of water, and had no idea how in the world I would acclimate. I didn’t even feel like I was acting like myself, but at the same time, was that the real me or a pretense of me that I had created out of self defense? I was scared shitless about what life here would be like, but there was also a small bit of morbid curiosity. I wouldn’t call it excitement yet.

I glanced over at the clock. Only 8:30. I decided that was late enough for bed. I curled up in the middle of the giant bed, staring out the window, watching the moonlight dance across the part of the river I could see from my bedroom. Sleep wasn’t going to come easily tonight, no matter how exhausted I was.

Tala rustled around. She had been silent since we got back from dinner, which I had been thankful for. I wasn’t sure I was up for bickering with her.

'What do you want?' I demanded.

'I just want to go run,' the wolf whined.

That confused me a bit. 'What?

'You know, go outside, shift, and just run through the woods.' She sounded so morose, she almost had me convinced. 'Like we used to.'

'No.'

She growled. 'I could make us,' she reminded me.

'Can we please just debate doing stuff like that tomorrow?' I asked. 'I’m exhausted and just want to sleep and don’t want to deal with other people.'

'You wouldn’t have to deal with them if I was in charge for a bit - I would.'

'I don’t trust what you do when you’re in charge. Last time, you killed someone.'

The silence in my head was strained. 'Fair point,' Tala finally admitted. She slipped to the back of my mind, apparently having decided to leave me alone.

I tossed and turned for what felt like hours. I desperately wanted to sneak away and soak up the near full moonlight, but I was too nervous to start exploring the area, especially at night. Maybe something to do tomorrow, though. I settled for just slipping out the french doors to the patio and curling up on one of the chairs. I couldn’t remember being this cautious since I first left home at eighteen.

Home. That was a strange notion. I couldn’t remember the last place that felt like home. I wondered if I would ever find a place to feel like home.

I couldn’t get a read on this place. Everything was so different from what I was used to, but of course it would be, right? It’s a town full of freaking werewolves. I wished I had other places to compare it to. Maybe I’d feel less insane if I did. Maybe I had finally had a psychotic break and this was all some crazy delusion and I’d snap out of it soon. I’d probably be in a mental hospital when I woke up. How would I explain the wolfy tendencies? Or was that part of the delusion, too?

Everyone I had met here was so kind and welcoming. It was unnerving, almost. It’d be easier to think this place was real if I ran into someone that acted just a little more… normal.

But, all that considered, I didn’t think I could leave here even if I tried, and not from being held hostage. No, it was like I was drawn to this place. It was almost magnetic.

Maybe this could become my home.

If I had any hope of ever enjoying it here, though, my guard had to come down. Even if I just had to pretend to be the old me until it felt comfortable and real. I had no idea if that tactic was going to work, but it was at least worth a try.