Chapter 11

JAKE

It feels like I have been eating breakfast for hours. I just do not get satisfied with small amounts of food anymore. I just do not see the use in eating calorie-counted food anymore. I know I would never be satisfied.

I sit awhile at the table as I know that when I get up here, it will be non-stop until my show tonight. I will be running around like a crazy person and my manager will be here any second. I just need to get my head wrapped around this situation that I find myself in.

I can feel how my body has changed. I am afraid of my own body. I am afraid of the person that I am becoming. I am afraid that everyone will see what happened to me. What if they see the evil that is in me? I have to make a plan to find out more about what is going on with me.

Then I hear a voice behind me and I know it is time to start. I nervously get up from the dining table and I know there is no turning back now.

"Good morning. I hope you had a good night's sleep? Are you ready to head to the stage?"

I didn't do much sleeping last night and I know that I should get a lot of sleep before a show but there are other things on my mind and I do not think it's going to leave my thoughts anytime soon.

"I'm as ready as I can be"

"Good. The car is waiting outside"

"I'm just going to get something in my room, I'll be right out"

I walk up to my room and I know that I don't have to get anything from my room but I just wanted to take another moment for myself. I just want to pinch myself again making sure whether I'm not having a dream. How is it even possible that I could turn into a wolf? I take a deep breath and then walk go out to the car.

The moment that we get to the staging area, I start to practice one last time the songs that I am going to sing to my fans tonight. I do everything perfectly and I know every word of every song. There is no fault in anything that I do.

Then I make my way to hair and makeup. The crowd will be here in less than three hours. I would usually speak to everyone who walks past me and I would be the energy of the day. But I keep to myself afraid that maybe they will notice that something is different.

I sit in silence while Laura works on my makeup and my outfit. I usually would say a lot of things to her but tonight it feels like I am in a vice grip and someone keeps on squeezing.

"Are you okay, Jake?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Why?"

"You are just quiet and usually you have something to say"

"No, I'm fine. Thank you for asking"

I know she doesn't believe a word that I am saying but my staff does not ask me a lot of questions because they know where the line is drawn. I guess, I really do not have a lot of friends in my life. Everyone is just here because they are paid to be here.

Then the time has arrived. I can hear the people on the other side of the curtains and I have to motivate myself somehow. I take a deep breath and I struggle to breathe.

Breathe Jake...Just breathe...

I can hear the crowd chanting my name and I know that this is my queue. They love me and they have come from all over the world to see me. I will not disappoint them. I feel my manager's hand on my shoulder, standing right beside me.

"Do not worry Jake, this is just like any other night"

Any other night? It is clear to me that he has no idea that tonight is not like any other night. My life has been turned upside down and the worst is that I can not tell anyone.

Then the music starts and I know that I need to be on stage now. But I feel immediately frozen in time. I do not know if I would be able to do this tonight. I can not go on the stage and pretend to be something that I am not.

I am not who these fans think I am. I am not worth their praise. I am pure evil and they will see right through me. I turn to look at him and then I say.

"I know. Nothing is wrong. Can you give me a minute?"

"Yes, but you need to go on stage now"

"I know!"

He disappears behind me and I hear the last possible second of the music that I can walk in on the stage. I quickly pray in the hopes that I will not turn into a wolf on stage and then I put on my fake smile and run onto the stage.

This is not like every other night. I'm doing everything perfectly and singing on cue but something has changed inside me. It feels like something died and now I have to live a life...a secret life. Usually, I would search the crowd for the perfect date but tonight I just want to finish the show.

It feels like the show is going on forever and I feel a great sadness in my heart. I love seeing for these people. I love dancing for these people but now I am not true to them anymore. Now, I am afraid that they will see what I am.

"Goodnight and remember that I love you all!"

I made it through the show without turning into a wolf but I need to get home now. I quickly run off the stage and then my manager slaps me on my shoulder to congratulate me for a great show but I turn to him with urgency in my eyes and say.

"Is Bruno ready for me?"

He frowns as he does not understand why I would want to leave so soon. I usually would speak to everyone and almost stay there until the end. I would also organize a gathering with fans.

"Are you okay Jake?"

"I am fine. I'm just tired can I go home?"

"Yes, of course. I will organize everything. You get some rest okay. I will see you the day after tomorrow?"

"Good. Yes. Goodnight then"

I quickly make my way to the car waiting outside for me. I urgently need to get home as I can feel something is happening within me.