Chapter 143

I sat up straighter. "Tell me."  

The physician hesitated again, then stepped closer. "There's a flower. The Dyerwell flower. An ancient one. It's meant to force the mind to relive the moments it's buried. But it's unpredictable. It doesn't just bring back the truth — it brings back everything. Every pain, every fear, every wound you've ever endured. All at once. Once you take it, you are able to relive every moment of your life all at once. This may force your memories to come back all at once." 

My stomach tightened. "Is it safe? Has anyone survived it?"  

He looked down. "There's not a long list of people who have used the flower. And in your condition it might be dangerous." 

I swallowed hard. My heart was racing now, but I forced my voice to stay steady. "But it will help me regain my memories wouldn't it? Don't you think it's worth a try?" 

The physician's eyes met mine, his voice barely above a whisper.  

"Your Majesty, I don't think using the flower would be a safe alternative. There might be some issues." 

For a moment, the room felt too quiet, too still.  

"I just want to know if it will work. That's all. Do you know anyone who has used it and survived?"

I asked and the physician nodded.

"Yes. I have. But again your Majesty, in your condition, I wouldn't advice it..."

"Do you think Rowan will allow this?" I asked, cutting him off.  

"No," he said immediately. "He'd kill me for even suggesting it."  

I nodded slowly. "Then we won't tell him."  

The physician blinked, startled. "Your Majesty —"  

"I need my memories back," I said, my voice trembling. "If this war is happening because of me, then I need to know why. I need to help him in the way I can. I can't keep pretending to be a queen I don't remember being."  

He stared at me for a long moment, then sighed heavily.  

"I shall try my best in finding the flower," he said.  

\-————————-

That night, the castle shook.  

Rowan's men returned from the border, dragging prisoners through the gates. Braam soldiers. Their faces were bloodied and hollow, their armor dented and filthy.  

I watched from the tower window as Rowan stood on the steps, his hand resting against his hip. His voice carried through the courtyard, low and commanding.  

"You are only alive because I want you to be," he told the soldiers coldly. "You will be held here as hostages, then you will deliver a message to your Emperor. Tell him this was a warning. The next one will be worse."  

The Braam soldiers stared at him with thinly veiled hatred, but they didn't dare speak.  

I felt a shiver run down my spine.  

Ever since the war began, it seemed like Rowan had become something entirely different. He was ruthless, more cruel. To be honest I didn't remember much of him in the first place, but something told me war had changed him.

And not in a good way. 

\---

Later that night, Rowan found me on the balcony, wrapped in a fur cloak to keep out the chill.  

"You saw the prisoners," he said quietly.  

I nodded. "They looked terrified."  

"They should be." His voice was hard, but his eyes softened when they met mine. "I'm doing what I have to. For you. For our child. For Zaire."  

"I know," I whispered.  

He stepped closer, his hand finding mine. His thumb traced slow, careful circles over my skin, grounding me.  

"I hate that you're hidden away like this," he murmured. "You should be by my side."  

"I will be," I said softly, my throat tightening. "When this is over."  

He didn't answer. He leaned in, pressing a kiss to my temple. His voice was low and rough against my skin.  

"I love you," he murmured. "Even if you don't remember, I love you. And I'm not losing you again."  

I closed my eyes, swallowing the ache in my chest.  

"I love you too," I whispered.  

Even if I didn't remember everything... I knew that part was true.  

Tomorrow, the physician would bring the flower. And I desperately prayed that it would work. That I would be able to remember something, anything that may be of help to Rowan. 

I didn't  want to think of what would happen if it didn't. 

\-———————-

The next day, the royal physician sent a handmaiden to tell me the flower was ready. He asked me to come meet me in the North Wing.

The North wing felt different from the rest of the castle. It was quieter, colder — like the walls held secrets no one dared to speak. The torches lining the corridor flickered weakly, casting jagged shadows that danced along the stone walls.  

The physician led me into a small room tucked away at the end of the hall. A table sat in the center, covered in old, yellowed parchment and glass vials filled with murky liquids. But my eyes were drawn to the flower resting in the middle of it all.  

It wasn't like any flower I'd ever seen. Its petals shimmered a deep, iridescent blue, almost glowing in the dim light. The edges were lined with silver, like frost had kissed each petal but never melted.  

"This is it," the physician said, his voice low and reverent. "The rare flower. It only grows in the heart of the Shadowed Vale, outskirts of the woods of Zaire. I went to great lengths to bring it to you so quickly."  

"It's beautiful," I murmured, stepping closer.  

"Beautiful and deadly," he warned. "It has many mysteries. It’s a very dangerous flower, despite its unique capabilities.” 

My throat tightened, but I nodded. "You said you wanted to test it first. On who?"  

The physician hesitated. "One of the Braam prisoners hopefully. I cannot let you use this without seeing if it’s safe enough for you to use. If administered correctly, the prisoner will remember everything and be able to give accurate account of all that has happened in his life. He will be disoriented but he’ll be fine. If not, he could lose his mind, or worse still, die."  

I didn't like the sound of that — but I wasn't about to argue. If this worked, I could finally stop feeling like a ghost in my own skin.  

"Fine," I agreed. "Do it."  

The physician nodded, gathering the flower carefully. "I'll return with the prisoner soon. Stay here, Your Majesty. I don’t want people seeing you. Many still believe that you are on your sick bed."  

I watched him leave, his footsteps fading down the corridor.  

The room was too quiet now. I stared at the flower, the weight of what I was about to do sinking in.  

Would Rowan forgive me for this? For risking my life without telling him?  

Before I could dwell on it, the door creaked open again.  

"Royal Physician?" I called, turning — but the figure that stepped in wasn't him.  

It was a woman, draped in a black cloak. Her hood was pulled low over her face, and she moved with an unsettling, feline grace.  

My heart jumped.  

"Who are you?" I demanded, taking a step back.  

The woman didn't answer. She stepped closer instead, slowly, like she was sizing me up.  

Something about her felt familiar, though I couldn't place it.  

"Who are you?" I asked again, my voice sharper this time.  

The woman reached up, grasped the edge of her hood, and slowly pulled it back.  

My stomach twisted.