It's Hard To Say Goodbye

"It must be because they really love you, Miss."
"No, if they loved me they would have taken me too. Why was I left behind... why...?"
"Surely if you also join them, there will be people who will be very sad and feel lonely. Right?"
"No... there's no point in me living anymore. I don't have anyone anymore... I'm really alone now...!"
"Father? What about your father? If you were gone he would have suffered a lot."
"Dad...? I... I hate Dad... I hate...! I shouted with emotion.
"Calm down Miss... calm down!"
"All this time he has always been cruel to Bryan. He always beats and tortures him for no reason. He is evil... he is not a father, but he is a devil... a cruel old devil... I hate Dad... I hate him. ..!" I shouted.
"How could a father do that to his own child?"
"But we're not his biological children, we're just stepchildren...!"
"Re...really?"
"Mother became pregnant because of the actions of her previous lover, my father's biological sister, but he left Mother and decided to marry another woman when my mother was in a bad condition because of her actions. Because Father had known and loved Mother since childhood, he wanted to take responsibility and marry my mother."
"Then he should love you guys like he loved your mother?"
"But that didn't happen, Dad really hated us. After giving birth to us, Mom couldn't have any more children because she had uterine cancer so her uterus had to be removed. Dad hated because he didn't have biological children, from his own flesh and blood."
"That's definitely not true Miss!"
"What do you mean? You don't need to interfere, get out of here... leave me alone...!"
"Actually, we have the same fate."
"W...what?"
"I was also born as twins. My name is Jesicca and my twin's name is Jenice. But our fate was worse. Our parents left us in an orphanage. My twin Jenice has had a weak heart since she was little and was often sick. The two of us have always been together living a life that has been very difficult. "Until we were 10 years old, there was a generous person who was willing to adopt Jenice. Since then, we separated and didn't see each other for almost 15 years. Until we met again for the first time, Jenice had a heart attack and died shortly after operating on her patient."
"Operating? You mean he's a doctor?"
"Yes, he is a dermatologist. I'm very sad, I didn't expect that meeting him again after 15 years of separation would be the first and last time we met."
"Sorry if my story makes you even sadder. I just want to make you excited again Anka. Life is not always as bad as we think. There are still many fun things we can get. Friends, love, and also dreams that we have to achieve. Anka, I believe you will be able to overcome all these challenges."
"Why? Why do you believe it? Even though I don't believe it myself."
"There is a story that makes me believe that humans are destined to be happy. Because 3 years ago I went to a painting exhibition near the city square. Among all the paintings, there was a painting that amazed me. A painting that contained a very beautiful meaning "Paintings that hold someone's hopes and dreams," he said
"Dream? How do you know that?
"I don't know either, maybe just a little guess. I don't know if it's true or not, but that's how I feel."
I was silent for a moment and tried to calm my mind which had been shaken for days. I took a deep breath and tried to close my eyes for a moment trying to remember the past. When I opened my eyes again everything was empty. There's no one near me. Where is that nurse? Why did he leave so quickly?
"Ah... nurse? Where are you?" I shouted for him, but no one answered, I was the only one in this room.
"I have to look for him!" I thought.
I got out of bed and walked out along the corridor after corridor of this hospital to look for him.
"Sorry, excuse me, nurse," I said to one of the nurses at the receptionist.
"Yes Miss, how can I help you?"
"Is Nurse Jessica here? She was in my room before but suddenly left. I want to talk to her."
"Which Sister Jessica do you mean?"
"Yeah... the nurse works here, that's what she said."
"What are the characteristics?"
"Um... the person is tall and has white skin, blonde hair and a bun. There is a mole on her chin," I answered explaining.
"Sorry, how can I help you?" asked one of the fat nurses.
"Sister Mary, is there a nurse in this hospital named Sister Jessica?" asked the nurse earlier.
"Sister Jessica? What do you mean?"
"Well, Sister, this Miss met her in the room earlier. But as far as I know, there is no nurse named Jessica here. I'm afraid that person is a fake nurse."
"No, Sister Jessica actually worked here," he answered firmly.
"What do you mean? Is he no longer working?" I asked.
"No, but you might not meet him."
"Wh... why?"
"Because Sister Jessica died 3 years ago from a heart attack."
"W...what? Impossible, I was talking to him earlier. How could he be dead."
"Miss Anka, you are still under the effects of the sedative. Maybe it's just your hallucination!"
"It's impossible...! I'm already conscious, besides everything feels clear. I'm not dreaming or imagining it. I really met him earlier!" I said in denial.
"But Miss, that's impossible. It's just an illusion because you're under pressure, it's okay, things like that often happen!"
"You're lying...! Earlier, Sister Jessica also said that her twin, Janice, died 3 years ago due to heart disease."
"Doctor Janice is still alive. A few hours ago she came to check on one of the patients who was going to have plastic surgery."
"N...impossible, impossible...!" I said weakly. The words that came out of my mouth stopped, I didn't know what to say.
"Miss Anka, you better rest. Your condition is still not recovering, let me take you to your room."
"No...no need, I can do it myself."
I hobbled away leaving the confused nurses behind. I feel surprised. Could it be that what Sister Mary said was true? Maybe it's just my illusion, for days in this place, it's making me almost crazy.
"Ah... Sister Mary?" asked one of the nurses who was still confused.
"Yes?"
"Do you think ghosts exist?"
"What do you mean Sister Jane? Ghosts don't exist."
"So, why did Miss Anka experience that?"
"That's because currently he is under pressure and stress. Moreover, he has been repeatedly given sedatives. Hallucinations like that appear within him. His thoughts make it all seem real. Maybe he is lonely, and wants to express his feelings to someone. So A nurse appeared who seemed to hear his outpouring, even though it wasn't there!"
"We understand Sister, maybe it would be better if the girl had to be accompanied often so that her condition recovers."
"Yes, that is one of our jobs as nurses," answered Sister Mary with a smile
"Okay Sister!" The nurses left and continued their respective duties.
"Things like that have indeed happened, the feeling of sadness and loneliness is so deep that it makes us feel as if we feel the presence of a calming angel within us," said Sister Mary to herself. He walked along the corridor, taking deep breaths several times.

***

Today it's been 2 weeks since Bryan left, actually I still haven't accepted his departure, but I'm trying to survive as best I can. Trying to live without him even though I'm not sure if I can do it.
My health condition has begun to stabilize. Today I plan to see Doctor Richard, the doctor who handles Bryan and I's treatment. I intend to ask for his help so that Bryan's funeral can be carried out as soon as possible.
"Sorry, excuse me," I said while knocking on the door.
"Yes, please come in."
"Sorry doctor, it's me Anka!"
"Oh... Anka, how are you? Are you better?"
"Yes, actually there is something I want to say."
"Okay, just say it Anka!"
"Look, doctor, can Bryan's funeral be held tomorrow? I'm afraid he won't calm down if he isn't buried immediately."
"I understand. Have you contacted the family? Do they know yet?"
"No Doctor, we have no family. No one."
"Anka, I know you are hiding something. If there is something you want to say, say it now."
"No, nothing!"
"Okay, I understand! Anything else?"
"Look Doc, does the doctor know where the plastic surgery clinic is?"
"Plastic surgery? Why, Anka?"
"I... I want to...."
"What do you want?"
"Want to..." I hesitate to say.
"Oh... I understand what you mean, but Anka your condition doesn't allow for plastic surgery. What's the point of it all anyway?"
"I don't know either, but for the past 3 days I've been thinking about it. I want to replace him!"
"Whose position do you mean?"
"Bryan, Doc!"
"So you want to change your physique completely?"
"Yes, I want to be like my brother, a doctor!"
"And you want to be a boy too?"
"Yes!"
"Don't do stupid things Anka, it's very dangerous. Not all plastic surgery goes smoothly. Moreover, you want to be transgender!"
"But I'm sure."
"It's best to think carefully about it first. Don't just make a decision like that."
"No Doc, that was the right decision. I know what I'm doing! The doctor can just tell me where it is."
"Okay, fine. But because you think the risks are too big, it's better for you to come to this address," he said while handing over a business card.
"Dr. Janice Jackson?"
"Yes, I think he can help. He is very expert in his field. Many police officers ask for his services."
"What for?"
"Yes... to go undercover. You can ask him directly for further details!"
"Okay, thank you doctor. Then I'll excuse myself," I said as I stood up.
"Anka!"
"Yes, doc?"
"Tomorrow at 10 am we will carry out your brother's funeral. Have you decided which cemetery to go to?"
"I don't want to be buried in a public cemetery. I want to be under a cliff. The place where we fell at that time!"
"Anka, if we bury him there there will be people who will oppose it!"
"Who would oppose?" I said starting to get emotional.
"No Anka, it's just...! Never mind, I'll try if that's what you want!"
"I'll excuse myself," I said as I walked away. I didn't realize my tears were coming out. Maybe that's why the young doctor couldn't stand up to me.
"Yes!" he answered. His face was filled with question marks. He definitely didn't know what he should do.

***