Fighting back

Mary had been deep in her own thoughts all day, she helped Bettina with the usual choirs, but it went by routine. Mary kept listing things she needed to improve with herself and making sure she stuck to them. Her thoughts were so full of what not to do, there were hardly room for anything else.

“Mary, is something wrong?” Bettina asked as they were sitting down eating lunch.

“No, everything is fine” Mary tried to smile.

“You seem to be absentminded ever since you got your letter” Bettina tried.

“I guess I have been. It just gave me a lot to think about”

“Not any bad news I hope”

Mary didn’t know how to answer that. She didn’t want to burden Bettina with her guilt and if she listed all her shortcomings, Mary risked Bettina realising what a failure Mary really was. Mary couldn’t bare the thought of seeing the disappointment that she knew would be in Bettina’s eyes.

“No, well, they are having a heard time with the sickness and the food situation isn’t good. No merchants want to risk their lives to go into the city” Mary told Bettina. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t what was worrying Mary. Mary added ‘lack of caring’ to her list of flaws in her mind.

“It must be hard to hear that your friends are having a heard time” Bettina’s vice was full of compassion.

“It is. I’m sorry if I’m bringing the mood down”

“Don’t be silly Mary. You are allowed to be worried about your friends” Bettina said, getting up and giving Mary a hug. Mary nodded.

The rest of the day continued as it had started. Mary took care to try not to do anything wrong. It was like the old days back in the kitchen and she found that it was easy to slip right back into the old mindset, double and triple checking everything she did and her behaviour.

She had forgotten how exhausting it was to constantly make herself act as she should. She had relaxed in the month she had been here. She added ‘lazy’ to her list and promised to work harder. She excused herself as soon as dinner was over, and she had helped Kopa wash up.

“Mary, before you go to bed. I spoke to Tariana today, she asked if you could come to tea on Monday” Kopa told her as she was walking toward the stairs.

“Of course, what time should I be there?”

“I’ll come home for lunch on Monday and then we can head to the sanctuary together after” Kopa said. Mary nodded and headed up to go to bed.

She should write a reply to the letter, but she didn’t have the energy. It would have to wait for a day or two, she thought as she crawled into bed. As she watched the dusk, and then night, fall over the city, she recited her list in her head. Trying to find things that she had improved during the day, vowing to do better tomorrow.

The Sunday went by in the same manner. Mary tried to not make any mistakes, failing, and added new things to her list of flaws. She could tell that both Bettina and Kopa was worried about her. Another thing that she did wrong.

As Kopa walked with her through the city after lunch on Monday, Mary was so exhausted and depressed, that she had a hard time putting a smile on her face. Kopa tried to cheer her up and make her laugh, but he had no luck.

Mary was once again taken over to the sanctum and Kopa guided her to Tarianas apartment, but this time he didn’t go in with her. Tariana was sitting at the same table that she had been sitting at the last time Mary had been there.

“Mary, it’s so nice to see you again. Come, sit” Tariana smiled at her. Mary took a seat opposite of Tariana.

“How have you been Mary? How have Tenac’s lessons been?” Tariana asked her as she was serving her tea.

“I’m fine thank you. They have been very helpful” Mary answered, giving the best smile she could muster.

“Tenac have been telling me that he has enjoyed them as well. He says that you are a fast learner, but I already knew that” Tariana told her. She was watching Mary closely.

“That’s kind of him” Mary said, takin a sip of the tea.

“My son is nothing but honest when it comes to his reports. You can take what he is saying as the truth and not flattery”

Mary nodded and looked down at her hands.

“May I be frank Mary?” Tariana asked.

“Yes, of course” Mary said.

“Something is wrong. I can see it in the way you act, and you look exhausted. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing, I just haven’t been sleeping well” Mary told her, still looking at her hands.

“Mary, I won’t tolerate not being told the truth. Look me in the eyes young lady and tell me the truth, and not just part of it” Tariana said with a sharpness to her voice.

With a sigh Mary looked up and once she met Tariana’s eyes she knew there were no point in hiding anything. She started telling her about the letter and how she had realised how many thing she had been doing wrong and how she now tried to do better, but it was so difficult.

“Mary, this is nonsense. You don’t behave badly and the only character flaw I have found in you are the fact that you put yourself down” Tariana told her.

“That’s not true, there is a hole list of things I need to improve” Mary admitted.

“Who has made this list?”

“I have”

“Let me hear it” Tariana ordered. Mary took a deep breath and recited her list.

“I’m lazy, stubborn, ask to many questions, I don’t care about others, run in to things without thinking, I’m naïve and forget my place, I make Kopa worry about me, I embarrass my family” Mary continued with the list.

“Mary, stop!” Tariana looked chocked. “You don’t believe all of those things, do you?” she asked Mary. Mary could only nod with tears starting to form in her eyes.

“My dear, sweet, child. None of those things could be further from the truth” Tariana said as she walked around the table an knelt in front of Mary.

“You my child are brave, you have a big heart and place others before you’re self. You do ask a lot of questions, but that is nothing bad. It shows that you are curios and thirst for knowledge, those are good things.”

“As for knowing your place, as the daughter of Kopa and Bettina, you belong to the top of our society. The world is at your feet, you should take every advantage of that, especially with that mind that you have. And lastly, you may be naïve regarding certain things, but that is just a lack of experience. That will go away on its own as you grow and learn new things”

“You, my lovely and beautiful Mary, could never be an embarrassment to anyone, least so to your family. You should hear how Kopa brags about you to everyone.” Tariana finished, never looking away from Mary’s eyes.

“That’s because he doesn’t know the real me” Mary confessed whit a sob.

“Oh come now, you can’t tell me that Kopa doesn’t know you. You two have a had a direct link into each other’s soul from the day you meet. You are the first one that has never been afraid of him, that saw past his exterior to the gentle man that he is.”

“The same thing goes for him. He sees past all the insecurities and the scars that you have, and he sees the brave and exceptional woman that you are inside Mary. If you ever feel lost, let Kopa guide you. He sees the real you, just as you see the real him. When you are lost, let him be the light that shows you the way” Tariana said, she also had tears rolling down her face. Mary had only seen her cry once before.