Is it supposed to feel like this?

Saturday came and the three friends got ready to go into the city. It was a little strange taking a boat on their own. Kopa had offered to come and get them, but Mary insisted she needed to learn to do it on her own. The sanctum would be her home for a while. She needed to be able to come and go.

They walked together for a bit as Hinat’s family lived close to Mary’s. As Mary walked the last part of the way on her own, she felt excited to get home. She looked forward to seeing Bettina.

Once home, she was swept up in one of Bettina’s warm hugs and then she got to sit in the garden with both her parents. Bettina had made cookies, and they had tea and talked about the week. It felt so nice to be sitting in the garden like this, Mary thought. But something was up with her parents.

They kept looking at each other and then looked away. Several times Bettina gave Kopa a stern look. Mary wondered what was going on. Did they have a fight? Mary had never heard them fighting. It made her worry.

“What’s up with you two?” she finally asked. The two of them exchanged another look, and Kopa sighed.

“One moment, I’ll be right back,” he told her and went into the house.

“Should I be worried?” Mary asked Bettina.

“Oh, no. It’s just Kopa being Kopa. Nothing to worry about,” she answered with a smile.

Kopa came back, and he was holding something in his hand.

“This came for you yesterday. I didn’t know if I should give it to you now or later,” he told her and gave her a letter. It was from Zerden. Mary could tell by the handwriting.

“You can go up to your room and read it, if you want,” Bettina said.

“No thank you. I think I’ll save it for later,” Mary said. The truth was that she was scared to read it.

She remembered how the last letter had made her feel and she didn’t want her Saturday to be ruined by being in a bad mood. She would read it once she got back to the sanctum, she decided.

The day went by fast. She had a wonderful day and had almost forgotten the letter that was stored in her pocket. Mary rowed the boat across to the sanctuary all by herself, feeling proud that she had made it.

Hinat and Firlea were already back, so they spent the time until dinner to talk about their day. It was the first day since they had met that they didn’t spend together.

After dinner, Mary finally felt ready to read the letter that was waiting for her. She retrieved it and sat on her bed, looking at it for a while before opening it.

‘Dear Mary,

Your letters always brighten the day. I am so thankful that you are out there living a life that makes you happy. I can hear it in the way you write.

I thank you for the herbs. Since we received your letter a week ago, I have been using them. I will continue to use them and let you know.

I can’t get over how happy you sound in your letter and how much you have going on in your new life. I’m so happy that you have a new family and that they will adopt you. You deserve all the good things in life.

Please give your parents my greetings and my heart full thankyou for caring for you how you have always deserved to be cared for. I only wish I could do it in person.

Riding lessons sounds exciting. I have never tried it myself, but both Ken and Zerden enjoy it, so it must be thrilling. I hope this Tenac is a good teacher and that he respects you. As the son of the Lady, I’m assuming he is a proper gentleman.

I think you would make an exceptional aari. Not that I know much about the aari, but I know what the old stories tell about their caring and helpfulness. If that is anything to go on, you will fit right in. I’m so proud of you for being brave enough to take that step. I am sure you will pass this year.

I think you have changed a lot, Mary, even in the few months that have passed. And it is in a good way. I think you are becoming the young woman you were always meant to be. I wish I had helped you with that. But God had other plans for you. I’m just proud to get to hear about it.

Things at this end are looking up a bit. The sickness is not increasing as much as it has been. We are hoping this means it is easing off again.

The city has quieted down to both Ken’s and Zerden’s relief. A riot doesn’t seem likely anymore. We are all grateful for that.

The food situation has become better. We are getting in more food from the farmlands and the prince has been out hunting, bringing home meat and fish to the castle that we get a share in.

Ken is not as irritated now that things have calmed down. Zerden has been irritable for the past week. I don’t know if he had a fight with Sarah or if something has happened at work.

He’s like his father and keeps telling me that everything is okay, even though they clearly aren’t. He’s just as stubborn as his father. I swear that I sometimes think that the boy has inherited nothing from me. He is a copy of his father, that one.

I hope you are well and that you keep trying new things. As always, you are missed, and I often think of you. Please stay safe and be happy, my friend.

With love
Anna

Hi Mary,

I don’t know how to start this letter, or even finish it, if I’m being honest. I’m just very disappointed in you at the moment and I don’t agree with my mother at all about the things she is telling you. I have tried to tell her not to encourage you, but she won’t listen.

She has forbidden me to tell you the things that I need to tell you. But as I’m writing the letter, I will add them in private. I would appreciate if you wouldn’t mention it to my mother.

How can you be this reckless, Mary? I thought I had told you this is not how you should behave. I thought you were a good woman with a good upbringing. But I’m starting to see that isn’t the case.

How can you go around the city alone with a man? We have had this conversation before. It is not right, it will give you a terrible reputation and it will get you into trouble.

Don’t get me started about letting him teach you to ride. That is something for men. I know that there are female riders, but even you must see how unnatural that is? Women aren’t meant to ride and fight and be strong. They are meant to make the home a pleasant place for the men of the house.

That brings me to the next point. You are considering living alone for the rest of your life? Mary, that is just not right. You know this; I have to believe that you do. Every woman needs the protection of a man. It maybe her father, brother, or husband. But the world is no place for a woman to be on her own.

And what is this about you getting adopted? Have you forgotten your real parents? Is it so easy for you to disrespect them? I really had a higher opinion of you Mary.

And lastly, this thing about becoming an aari. Please reconsider Mary. I know you; you are not suited for something like that. All these choices that you are making show that you need someone to take care of you. You are not strong enough for what you are trying to do, Mary.

I urge you to listen to my advice. You know I’m right. You know it’s better to give up these foolish things and go back to being the good woman that I know you are. You need to remember how Sarah behaves. Look to her for inspiration.

I am only telling you this so that you realise your mistakes before it is too late to do something about them. Please stay safe and think about what I have said.

Your friend
Zerden’

Mary read the letter twice, the first time it filled her first with a warmth from Anna’s kind words, and then her body went ice cold when she read Zerden’s letter.

The second time she read it, she found herself angry instead. It took her a moment to recognize the feeling. It had been a long time since she was angry.

She folded the letter and placed it into the silver box that she had brought with her from home. It was where she had stored the previous letter. Tenac’s notes were in there as well.

“Mary, do you want to come and play cards with us?” Hinat asked.

“Not tonight, thanks. I’m just heading off to bed. I have to be up early to help with cleaning the water tanks,” Mary said.

“Oh yeah, I’m helping in the gardens,” Hinat said.

“I’m cleaning some of the halls,” Firlea said as they compared their communal work details.

Mary got ready for bed. She knew she wouldn’t be sleeping soon, but she needed to sort through her thoughts and emotions.

She hated that the letters from Anna and Zerden caused her to fall into a spin of emotions. This wasn’t how friendships were supposed to work, was it? None of her new friends ever made her feel like this.