Ch 43: The Seeds of Doubt

The group had begun to disperse, everyone heading in the direction of their assigned duty.

Astasha was to gather everything she had found previously on the matter of the demon from her room and meet the others in the library. Cal had not returned to her side, remaining with his father in a fervent discussion, and so she slipped out the door and headed down the hall toward the living quarters. She hadn’t made it very far before a hand grabbed her arm and pulled her down a small side corridor.

She knew who it was before she saw him. She had heard his rushed footsteps and felt his worried haste through their connection.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” There was a look in Cal’s eyes she had never seen before as he stood in front of her, her back to the wall. The feeling pouring through their connection was overwhelming and full of doubt and confusion and pain.

“Cal—“ she tried to ease his worries but he wouldn't let her.

“Do you not trust me? You seem to have forgotten that I spent an insufferable amount of time with that piece of shit whispering in my head. If you would have come to me maybe we could have figured out its plan before it was too late.”

“You speak of trust yet you never spoke to me of what it had said to you.” Astasha could feel the heat rising between the two of them, only this time, it wasn't a heat of passion. “Perhaps the key to the puzzle laid in your head, not mine."

“I was never hiding it. If you had asked I would have told you everything, but it seems that you and Errant were keen to keep your secrets.”

“I was trying to protect the castle, you, I did what I thought best. Everything happened so fast, there wasn’t a moment—“

“Don’t tell me there wasn’t time for you to tell me. We had a whole night together—“

“And ruining what I thought could be our last night together with vile, twisted words from a fucking nightmare I wish I could forget wasn’t something I wanted!” The energy in Astasha was licking at her insides, flames stoked by her frustration and anger, and her voice had raised more than she had desired. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. “Cal…”

His hands gripped her shoulders, making her open her eyes. “When will you realize you don’t have to face these nightmares alone? What do I have to do to prove to you there’s nothing I wouldn’t bare for you?”

She knew he was speaking the truth. Calder would go to the ends of the world for her, and beyond. He would take every burden, every torment she carried and place it on his own shoulders. Which was all the more reason she felt guilt squirm in her stomach. There was no way she could tell him about her plans. He would only try to stop her, and she couldn’t let him do that. “I know Cal.” She tried to bury her guilt before he sensed it, but the look that came across his face showed that it was too late.

“What aren’t you telling me Tasha?” His voice was almost fragile, as if he was waiting for her to break him.

Should she tell him? Would he understand why she needed to do what she had to? He would never let her go alone, and they couldn’t go together, not if what this thing wanted had to do with both of them. No, this was a secret she would bare for him, to shield him from the pain of knowing their time together would soon come to an end if they were to stop whatever it was that was to happen. She sighed and shook her head. “Nothing.” Astasha forced down the gnawing feeling in her gut, trying to shut it away. “Cal, these doubts, if we begin questioning each other then they’ve already won. They want us to lose trust in one another, to let that doubt grow and fester until it tears us apart. Please, we’re stronger than that.”

She reached up and touched his face, trying desperately to exude the energy she was trying to convey. The doubt she had felt coming from her Prince remained though, and she knew he had felt her guilt.

Before he could continue to question her, however, a figure stepped into the hallway.

“Seriously you two, didn’t you get enough last night?” There was a smirk on the Captain’s face, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Something was bothering him, Astasha could feel it.

Calder released her and stepped back. “What is it Talib?”

He looked around, ensuring they were alone before speaking. “What do we know about this Terrin fellow?”

The question caught her off guard, which surprised her, because, well, she should always be on guard these days. “What do you mean?”

Talib peaked around again and moved closer to the couple. “I mean, there’s something about him that doesn’t seem right. With everything that’s happened, I’m not inclined to trust a single mother fucker I don’t know. I may not be able to feel energy the way you magic folks do, but I’ve spent my life surviving off my instincts, and they tell me something’s off about him.”

Astasha thought about what he was saying. She reached back in her memory to her interactions with the new earth sorcerer, trying to remember if she had felt any energy that might have been of ill will. But as she sifted through the moments in her head, there wasn’t anything that had come off him to alert her. In fact, there wasn’t anything she could recall at all, almost as if he had been void of emotion. Granted, she had never focused on reading his energy, but still, usually she could feel at least a hint of something from the people around her. When it came to Terrin, though, it was empty, as if a wall had been put up.

“Talib,” said Cal running his hand through his hair. “He came to us with direct recommendation from the High Council. I seriously doubt he would be in league with the enemy.”

And there it was. “No,” Tasha’s heart fell. “He wouldn’t be loyal to a demon, but he would be in league with another threat, one much closer to home.” The two men looked at her as it all fell into place. He had pushed so adamantly for them to contact the High Council. Whether it was intentional or not, Sorcerer Terrin was their eyes and ears, and he had been witness to her greatest crime.

“You don’t think...” Cal’s emotions began to rage.

She shook her head. “I don’t know if he would purposely turn me in, but he does seem to be close to them, and if they were to ask, I don’t think he would think twice about giving them the truth.”

This was all becoming too much, not knowing who to trust, what danger to focus on. It was a web of complicated what ifs and what to dos and everyone was becoming suspect. She couldn’t save anyone if she was locked away because of her weakness of the heart and flesh.

“Then he needs to be dealt with.” Astasha almost couldn’t believe what Calder was saying. The darkness coming from him scared her.

“Cal, no. What does that make us, if we stoop to unwarranted violence and malice?” She tried to catch his gaze but he refused to look at her.

“It doesn’t seem unwarranted to me if it’s a threat to your life, purposeful or not.”

“I won’t let you do that.”

“He won’t have to do anything.” Said Talib. “I took an oath to protect the heir to the throne, and that includes those he holds dear, so if this sorcerer turns out to be a rat that threatens to harm the thing Calder loves the most, well, let’s just say I don’t mind getting my hands dirty.”

This was exactly what they didn’t need to be doing, marking each other as the enemy. The demon had done this to their group once before, and it had almost cost her and Calder their lives. Even if Terrin was a spy for the High Council, she wouldn’t let it draw their attention from the real enemy at hand. “Enough!” She didn’t know why, but there were tears in her eyes. “The true villain isn’t among us, it’s out there, waiting for us to slip up, and right now, we’re basically opening the door and inviting it in! I can’t, I won’t let that happen. Whatever fate awaits me when they arrive, I will face it. It can’t be worse than what I’ve faced already. And it definitely couldn’t be worse than seeing those I care about throw their morals to the wind for my sake.”

“Tasha,” Cal finally looked at her, but his jaw was set and she knew he was about to try to argue his case further.

“Damnit Calder, no! I love you for the man you are. You fought so hard to resist the demon when it was inside you, don’t become it willingly now that it’s gone!”

She was shaking and tears were spilling down her cheeks.

The hard lines on the Prince’s face softened as he watched her. He stepped forward and wrapped her in his arms. “I’m sorry.” She knew it was genuine. “All of this, I just… I feel so helpless. I hate that I can’t seem to protect you. It’s all I want to do and I’ve failed at every turn.”

“But I’m still here, which means you haven’t failed Cal. And even if I wasn’t, it wouldn’t be your fault. You need to know that. I can’t worry that you’ll lose yourself if something happens to me. I need to know that you’ll still be the man I fell in love with, that you’ll always be that man. Promise me that.”

Calder stroked her hair. “I promise.” He kissed her forehead as she buried her face in his chest.

“So does that mean I don’t get to play interrogator then?” Talib stood with his arms crossed and a pout on his face as Astasha chuckled and shook her head.

“No, not yet anyway. I’m sure there will be the opportunity though if we find ourselves at war.”

The word caused them all to pause. War. Could it really come to that? It was a part of history, of life, it seemed there could be no peace without it. But to actually think they could be facing one in their lifetime, and with an enemy possibly more powerful than they could fathom, it made their blood run cold. It seemed unavoidable though, and in that moment, they all felt the weight of that reality.


**Author’s Note:** *Hello lovely readers! Thank you all for your patience between updates. The countdown has begun until I am officially a stay at home mom and can focus more on my writing! Once that happens I promise to have a more steady release schedule to keep you all entertained. Until then, bare with me, I promise it will be worth it! Love and light everyone!*