56. All Alone

Laura - Outside the hotel
Like a marathon runner on the last part of the race, I drag myself toward the hotel parking lot. My brain wants me to leave, but my spirit wants me to stay.
Why the hell would I stay? Nothing good can come out of this. We’re worlds apart, yet the image of his eyes when I told him to end it remains etched in my memory.
Paul’s car is still here, so he can’t be far. Maybe I should go and find him, at least to know he’s fine. Wouldn’t that be an admission that I care about him?
My heart is shattered, and my soul is broken. Why would anyone want to fall in love?
Love is brutal. A simple brush of fingers sends you into delirium. The slightest touch rips your skin open, and thus, a simple push becomes fatal. Simply put, it’s a ticking bomb. Why am I searching for it instead of letting it go?
If only I knew what to do. I keep walking, my feet taking me closer and closer to the street. I have no idea where I want to go or what I hope to achieve by going there.
People on the street stare at me as I giggle mockingly. Instead of heading to my Dristor apartment or phoning Alisa, I find myself wandering the streets and scanning the faces for him.
My hands quiver, and my breathing gets more rapid. My gaze darts about, looking for any indication of him. Where could he possibly be?
My state worsens by the second, my fear taking over. Am I doing the right thing? If I want something, why can't I just admit that I want it?
What am I supposed to say? He's handsome and intelligent, but he's also strong. I'm attracted to him like a moth to a flame.
"I love you." Those three words seem so easy to say, yet when it comes to actually letting them out, they always leave me breathless.
How do I tell him that I want to be with him forever? That I want to wake up next to him every morning and fall asleep beside him every night.
How do I tell him that I've never felt this way about anyone else? This scares me like hell.
The park looks deserted at this late hour of the night. The moon is bright tonight, illuminating the playground and the flowers blooming everywhere.
There are no people here, and I wonder if most of them are inside their homes, waiting for the sun to rise and starting a new day.
Unwillingly, I smile as this peaceful place soothes my inner turmoil. When I can almost say I’m feeling a lot better, I hear his heart. I can recognize it from a thousand. There’s another one close by, but there might be others in the park too.
I start running, wanting to get to him as soon as possible. My feet carry me faster. I don’t know what I’m going to say, but I will when he’s next to me. Everything seems brighter and easier when he’s around.
The world moves so quickly around me, and then suddenly it comes to a screeching halt.
Paul’s there on a bench, holding her in his arms. Her hand strokes his hair with so much care. His head rests next to hers, and they look like the perfect couple.
His eyes are glistening with unshed tears. I want to scream, but nothing comes out of my mouth.
The light inside me goes dim because the lighthouse went out. It feels like I'm drowning in darkness.
What is this feeling twisting my stomach? I haven’t experienced it before. This… this is definitely jealousy…
Lexa's presence is like a knife stabbing into my chest. As I turn around to no longer see them, my hands tremble. Too late. The image is already etched inside my mind.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, unable to hold back my tears.
I sprint on the grass, gripping my dress over my aching stomach. One of my heels gets trapped in the mud.
I let the strap holding my ankle slide over. The troublesome shoe remains in place. I yank the other one as well and throw it away. Nothing holds me back anymore.
What should I do? What should I do? As I rush toward my flat, no other question crosses my mind. People gaze at the insane woman sprinting barefoot in a beautiful gown.
My run must have lasted an hour or two, yet I'm not fatigued. I go up the stairs from the apartment building and open the door. Alisa doesn't bother locking it in the first place. And, sure, it is indeed open.
“Laura? What are you doing here?” Alisa raises an eyebrow. “What’s with this Cinderella vibe?”
“I’m in no mood for jokes.” I plunge onto the couch and hug my knees.
“No mood for talking either?”
Pressing my forehead over my knees, I shake my head. “Just let me be for a while. Please.”
To my surprise, Alisa doesn’t say another word.
I breathe deeply until my fake heartbeat calms down. My mind is racing. How could I have been so stupid?
I knew the moment I saw Paul and Lexa together. That look in his eyes—it wasn’t love. It was sorrow.
The things Lexa said to me still ring inside my ears. Maybe she was right. She seemed to give him more comfort than I could ever provide.
I want to die. Why everyone else has this choice? Everyone except me.
My glamour urges me to feel like a human, with a beating heart in my chest that reacts to every emotion. I exhale a long breath. I can't keep on like this; I need to change.
My pain, my love, my feelings— I don’t want to feel anything anymore. I want to have nothing weighing me down anymore. Having a beating heart is pointless. Being cold and carefree is what I want.
I've tried so many times to stop feeling, but I failed. Every time I felt something, it came back stronger than before.
Pushing my head back, I clutch my chest. Useless emotions, begone!
Suddenly, a click ripples through my brain and surges through my whole body, as if to remodel me to my liking. The change is almost instant. I would cry for my former self if I were able to care about such a trivial matter.
“Laura, are you really all right?” Alisa places her hand on my shoulder.
I raise my head and tilt it to a side, scanning her face. I look around the room. What was I thinking? Did I ever feel something for Paul? He's just another wolf to me.
"Yeah, don't ask me pointless questions." I leap off the sofa. "I'm going to change." I turn around from the entrance to my bedroom. "That reminds me of something. You mentioned going out and enjoying our lives a few months ago, right?"
“Mhmm…”
“Well, get ready. Let’s go out and have the time of our life.”
“Are you sure you're okay?” Alisa wraps her arms over her chest. “You seem a little off.”
“Oh, yeah. I'll be fine once we start partying. We can go clubbing or something."
I slam the door behind me and open the closet. Contempt rises to the fore at my poor tastes in clothing.
“Alisa!” I shout, tossing clothes around. “Borrow me something more appropriate. I have only old lady attires. This is not going to work.”
"What's the matter with you?" she responds.
I march out of my bedroom straight into Alisa’s and open her closet. With my hands on my hips, I peer at her dresses.
"I need something modern, something sexy. I'm going to attract attention.” I shake my head. “You know what? I'll just go naked if I can't find anything."