59. Wrong Together

Laura - Her apartment
I close the door behind me, gulping and acutely conscious of my motionless heart and lungs. Leaning against the cold door, everything I've been holding back for the last several months rushes to the surface.
A deep breath.
"Fuck."
My body shakes as I release a heavy sigh.
Why do I always end up here? Why does my life keep getting complicated?
Every time I think I have it all figured out, I'm surprised by some new twist or turn. Why did my glamour break when he kissed me?
For me, pain doesn't come as a dagger. It's something I've embraced and doesn't feel sharp anymore. It just comes to shatter everything around me, showing me the void that's actually there inside me.
Before all hell breaks loose, I need to numb myself as much as possible. I sprint toward the fridge and take a look at Alisa’s stash.
She obtains blood from a variety of sources, from shady dealers to medical personnel, primarily by bribery since she has yet to master the art of glamour. Nonetheless, she is incredibly resourceful.
I pour myself a glass, taking an entire bag with me. Since Alisa’s not home, I go to her room to watch TV. I don’t have one in my room, but suddenly I feel the need to hear people talking, even if just as background noise.
The only thing that treats me right is this shit. I stare at the glass of crimson liquid on the table in front of me. The thing I hate the most. The fountain of life for humans and strigois alike. Mere booze for me. Calling me an abomination is putting it lightly.
When strigois consume blood, they all experience a surge of heat. Like icy reptiles basking in the bright golden rays of the sun on a heated rock. For most, it’s a vital necessity. It's just mind-numbing for me.
Imagine it tastes like my favorite red wine, and I'm good to go. I take a sip.
The anchorwoman on the TV starts presenting the 5 o’clock news.
“Wolves Inc takes over the number one spot on today’s stock market shares value. Paul Mateescu adheres to his own drastic and dogmatic management style. His business has shown miraculous growth since he became the CEO. He’s also one of the top 10 most eligible bachelors.”
The cry that ignites in my throat is escorted by the glass hurled toward the TV. Both shatter, the cracking sound alleviating my turmoil.
Right at that moment, Alisa comes in.
“That’s a waste of a smart TV and a pretty good AB positive blood if my nose isn’t mistaken.” She raises an eyebrow and scans my face. “Don’t tell me! Laura, are you back?”
“Yes! I want to curl up into a ball and die. Die!!!”
"Oh dear," Alisa says as she sits down next to me on the couch. "Have you gone back to your old dismal emo vibe?"
"When he kissed me, my glamour went away." I sigh, hugging a pillow and trying not to cry. "My purpose in life for years doesn’t exist anymore. Everything seems blurry, and when things get blurry, everything starts to spiral out of control."
“So he kissed you, ha? That means things didn’t go so bad after all.”
"Everything went bad!" I shout, half angry, half pitiful. "That damn bastard said he wouldn’t come after me. And before I walked away, he dared to say, ‘If something were to happen to you…’ If something were to happen to you should be my line!"
I take in a lungful of air and try to calm myself down. "Anxiety was leaking through the cracks of my facade, and he was onto me. I had to get out of there as soon as possible. All I could think of was how many times his body made me moan with pleasure." I stare at Alisa. "Won’t you say I grossed you out with too many details?"
“Nope. I live for these things.”
"Ok. Then I’ll keep blabbering. Paul always kept asking me, 'What is it? I’ll do anything for you.' He simply doesn't get it. Telling him won’t solve anything. Why couldn’t I have met him when I was a mortal human?"
“Don’t you feel good with him now as you are? Was something missing?”
“It was perfect.” I bury my face into the pillow. “So perfect that I even wondered if it was allowed for me to have it. But then, out of habit, my thoughts turned to me and what I am.”
“Oh, Laura. Your stupidity level is higher when you drink blood. I never imagined you could be so stupid at your age.”
“Hey!”
Alisa chuckles. “I guess it’s true that one cannot love and be wise.”
“And when did you become so wise?” I sigh. “You don’t understand. Us being together is wrong. Everything is wrong.”
"If two people loving each other is wrong, as you said, can’t they just be wrong together?"
"No." I’ll try to explain it to her the best I can. "We’d mourn what we lost on account of each other, resent each other, let our feelings subside, then come to regret even the good times."
The uneasiness in Alisa’s eyes makes me eager to find out why she’s like this. Before I know it, I’m inside her mind. She’s thinking of Dan and their relationship.
“Alisa! Is there something you forgot to tell me?”
“Stay away from my mind!” She throws another pillow on top of me. “You weren’t yourself. It’s not like I could have had a heart-to-heart with your other persona.”
“Sorry. Tell me now.”
“It started as a one-night stand. That’s what I’ve suggested. Then it turned into multiple one-night stands. How am I supposed to put it right if it was wrong from the start? Am I even able to make it right?”
I can't stop smiling. "I don't see where's the problem."
"There is one. Dan opened up to me and told me a lot about himself. His mate died a few years ago, and he hasn't had anybody else since. I'm not sure whether I'm suited to take her place. Even though I want to crawl into the emptiness his mate left within him. And afterward, to shove her aside in whatever way I can."
Alisa grits her teeth. "What’s this called? Selfishness or possessiveness? Whatever its name, it’s wrong. I feel it in my gut." She gets up from the couch. "I’ll go out for a smoke."
“You can smoke here.”
“It’s fine.” She takes a cigarette out of her purse. “You’re gonna bitch about how it stinks.”
"Bitch?" I narrow my eyes as an idea forms inside my mind. I gather my bag on the way out of the apartment. "Maybe I should stop bitching and show Paul how things truly are."
“Laura, where are you going?”