Chapter 30 Found Thirty

"Jester."

I try to look calm as much as possible even though my heart is beating too fast because of nervousness. I want to avoid him. No matter how much I say that everything will be fine, knowing that I love Andrew, I still can't help myself but feel scared.

Scared to know that I am wrong and until now it's still him in my heart.

"Are you avoiding me?" He said then he went closer to me.

I do not know if I see the sadness and pain in his eyes.

"H-ha? Why would I avoid you?" I asked him again.

'Are you nervous?" He asked.

I was lost because his face was so close to mine. I swallowed and I was even more nervous.

"Why will I feel nervous?" I said while trying to get away from him.

Every time I tried to move away from him he moves closer. Until I had no space to move.

'I am also curious why are you nervous right now?" He asked seriously.

"Jester stop it." I coldly said.

I am not liking what he is doing now. Many years have past and I just let him do this kind of thing. He made me believe many times that he like me just like now. Until when I will let myself be deceived by his actions?

He moved away slightly. He tried to touch me when I stopped him.

"Jester, what do you think you're doing? Do you think that's right? You're married!" Annoyed I said.

"I know. And that's what I regret most." He said.

I frowned. Regret? Why? Doesn't he love Rachel? And why is he telling me this? I wanted to ask him so many things but I don't know what keeps me from asking him.

I could see tears forming in his eyes.

O gosh! This is the first time I saw Jester like this. He's always cool and confident. But now it is very different. He looks so helpless and desperate.

'Regret?" The only thing I can say.

I don't know if it's right to ask him about it. Because no matter what he will say, it will not change the fact that he is already married and we are impossible to be together now.

He nodded while still staring at me. 'If I hadn't made her pregnant maybe I can still win you back."

My eyes widen from his confession.

"Allison, I've been waiting for you for a long time. Every time we have a reunion, I always go to the party just to have a chance to see you. But you never attended it. I love you Allison since then." He said.

I closed my eyes. So all along we are both waiting for each other? That we both liked each other. I don't know if I will be happy or mad with what I've heard. I'm happy because finally, everything is now clear. I am right, he also likes me. But mad at the same time because it's too late now. We are both committed to someone.

"If you really love me, why did you court Rachel before? Why didn't you tell me you loved me? Why only now when it's not possible anymore?" I couldn't help but cry.

"I courted Rachel because of my friends. I rather choose her than you because I won't protect you from them. I'm afraid they might do something silly to you. They are the ones who really have a crush on Rachel and not me. When they knew that Rachel likes me, they use that as their way to be close with Rachel. I know that if you were the one I chose then, they will bully you." He explained.

"I envy Charles so much then until now because of the attention you give him. I feel like he took you away from me. When he came, I lost you." He said as he remembered the past.

I wanted to tell him that the reason why I avoided him is that I was so hurt when I found out he is courting Rachel and not because of Charles.

"Even though you got angry with me, I do not regret what I did to Charles. Because of that, you talked to me again." He added.

I want to hug him. I want to comfort him because now I understand the pain that he felt.

I want to blame myself for my cowardice. If only I had been brave. If only I had gone to reunions and tried to talk to him or confess my feelings maybe we could still be together.

"I love you, Allison. You love me too, don't you?" He asked desperately.

My eyes widened. I swallowed hard. What will I say? Do I still love him? But what about Andrew?

I closed my eyes. I waited for this thing to happen. But why only now?! I wanted to get mad! I want to scream! Because no matter what we do now, it will not bring back the past anymore.

"If you love me why did you get Rachel pregnant? If you don't love her why did you have sex with her?" Annoyed I said.

That is the reason why I gave up on him. If they did not get married maybe until now I am still waiting for him.

"I'm drunk. I didn't know something happened to us. When I woke up we were in a hotel and we were both naked. I can never do that to you Allison. I love you, I've been waiting for you for a long time." He explained.

"But you already did. You hurt me. You got married." I said coldly.

He held me in my arms. "Just tell Allison that you love me and I am ready to divorce Rachel, I will leave her as long as I can be with you."

My eyes widened. "Do you hear what you are saying, Jester? You will divorce her? You will leave your family? Your daughter?" I said angrily.

Gosh, I never dream to be a homewrecker.

"I can still support my daughter."

I shook my head. 'Jester it's too late now. And I never dream to be a homewrecker. Let's just accept the fact that we are not destined to be together."

"No no Allison please I waited for you for so long. You also love me right?" He said pleading.

"Jester I already have a boyfriend," I told him though I know that he already knew that fact.

That made him stop. 'Do you love him?"

I nodded. 'Yes, I love him. I love him so much."

"I'm sorry Jester. Maybe it's also my fault because I became a coward. Maybe if I did not avoid you and I am not scared to get hurt and just attended the reunion maybe we are long together now." I said.

"I don't want to see you and talk to you. You're right, I'm avoiding you because I'm afraid I might still love you. But they're right I need to face this, I need to face you not for us to be together, but for us to have closure. Because even if we never became a couple, I still think that we need closure. For us to finally move on and be happy." I added.

I saw him weakened from what he heard from me. Gosh, I want to hold him, to comfort him that everything will be okay. But I need to control myself. I need to be firm.

"How can I be happy if you are not with me? Alli, you are my happiness. I love you so much." Jester said his voice breaking.

He suddenly pulled me and hugged me. I tried to get out of his embrace but every time I struggled he only tightened his hug with me even more.

Until I found myself hugging him back. I've been dreaming this for so long, his confession, his warmth. But I know that we need to stop.

'I know in time you will finally accept that we were not meant for each other. That Rachel is the one meant for you. And Andrew is the one meant for me." I said while still hugging him.