Chapter Twenty Three

Chevelle


I freeze, hovering above him. Our eyes are still locked and my heart thundering in my chest has nothing to do with the intense orgasm that I just had.

*Surely, I heard him wrong.*

“What did you say?” I hear myself whisper in disbelief.

“I love you.” he repeats again, this time softer, more unsure than when he said it the first time.

*Nope, definitely heard him right the first time. But he can’t. He can’t love me, can he?*

The look in his eye’s changes from one of love and lust to one of fear when I don’t say anything and just sit there staring at him.

*I don’t know what to say.*

I can feel tears building behind my eyes and I know this doesn’t look good. Blinking back the tears, I swallow the lump in my throat and try to say something, anything, that will take away the look on his face.

“River…” I start but then hesitate.

“Hey, it’s okay. I didn’t say it so that you would say it back.” His voice is husky but gentle. I can’t hold back my tears and his left hand untangles from my hair and caresses my cheek, wiping the wetness away. “Please don’t cry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I just needed you to know how I feel.”

Tears continue to slide down my cheeks as I stare into this man’s eyes and wish more than anything that I could tell him that I love him too, but I can’t, not yet.

“River…” I start again but he stops me with a headshake.

“Don’t…it’s okay.” he whispers, lowering his forehead to mine.

“No, you don’t understand. It’s not that I don’t feel that way for you. I just…I honestly…I don’t know for sure what I’m feeling.” I get choked up and have to take a second before continuing, “I just have so much crap going on in my head that I can’t tell you until I get it all sorted out…” a hiccupping sob leaves me as I continue until I’ve said all I need to say, “I’m terrified that what I feel for you is somehow misplaced or not real. What if it’s because you’re all that I have?”

Shudders begin to rack my body and I withdraw from him, turning away. I’m ashamed that I’ve ruined what should be such a magical moment.

“I want to love you, River. And I have feelings for you, strong feelings. I just don’t know what they mean or if they’re real…” I whisper with my back to him.

“Hey…” he says in a soothing tone, moving from he still lay and wrapping his arms around my stomach from behind. He places a kiss against my bare shoulder, pausing there for a moment. “It’s okay. I get it, okay?”

His hand reaches out, palming my cheek and turning my face towards his. “Look at me, Chevy.” I can’t, I don’t want to see the hurt that I know will be in his eyes. “Please, baby.” He pleads.

Turning in his arms, I take a deep breath before lifting my head to meet his eyes. I’m taken aback when I don’t find hurt in the eyes staring back at me. Instead, I find patience and understanding.

“I get it. I’m not going to push you. I know that you feel something for me and until you get your head right and figure out what it truly is that you feel, I’m going to be here, still loving you.”

Pulling me towards him, he leans down, his lips tickling my ear when he speaks, “let’s lay back down…unless you’re hungry. We have basically spent the day in this bed and it’s now near midnight.”

“I’m good”, I murmur as I wipe tears from my cheek. River and I crawl back up the bed and lay back against the pillows but that’s not enough for River as he lifts his arm and grunts “come here”. I curl up against his side, my head beneath his chest. I can hear his heart beating, solid and strong.

More tears slip from my eyes as I lie in Rivers arms, my heart heavy. He doesn’t ask questions; he doesn’t push me to talk. He just holds me, his hands running reassuringly against my skin.

I wake sometime later to the sound of voices and realize that River’s no longer in bed with me. Stretching reveals just how deliciously sore my muscles are from all of yesterday’s *activities* and I decide to take a quick shower and leave him to his company.

Stepping beneath the hot spray, the water glides over my skin and an ache ignites deep within me as it runs over my sensitive nipples. Images replay like a movie behind my eyelids as my hands explore my tender flesh. I can’t believe that I crave him as much as I do. Even after all of our activities within the past twelve hours or so, I still want him so badly that I want to say screw his company and take him back to bed to relieve the ache that’s only for him.

A smile makes its way to my lips as I think about him and just how happy he makes me. He’s incredible and I don’t know what I ever did to deserve him, but I know that I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it.

*And he loves me.*

I was not expecting that, but I can’t deny how knowing that makes me feel. I’m pretty sure that I love him too, but I still have doubts as towards the true reason why. I don’t want to have any doubts whatsoever when I tell him that I love him.

I quickly finish up with my shower, wanting more than anything to be in his arms. I dress comfortably in shorts and a loose t-shirt, my hair pulled back away from my face in a braid. He’s waiting in the doorway when I go to walk out and my smile immediately fades, he’s not looking at me but from the look that’s on his face, I have a feeling that I’m not going to like what he has to say.

“We need to talk.” He murmurs as he walks further into the room, shutting the door behind him, eyes on the floor. “I’m going to stay at Jack’s for a few days or so. I need some space to clear my head.”

“What? Why?” I ask, the feeling of dread sinking deep into my gut, “Did I do something? Did something happen?” I move toward him, needing to touch him but he backs away from me, turning towards the door, his back to me.

“I can’t do this,” He murmurs, almost pleadingly, “I’m sorry.” He opens the door, not once looking in my direction. I manage to catch his arm, stopping him before he’s able to cross the threshold.

“Why are you doing this? Why are you acting like nothing happened between us? That I’m nothing to you…” I ask, my heart thundering against my ribcage as I await his response, fearing the words that I know in my gut are going to leave his mouth before they actually do.

“Because it didn’t mean anything, and *you* don’t mean anything.” He says with a scowl on his gorgeous face, his words causing a crack in my heart. “What happened yesterday was a mistake. One that will never happen again.”

“What do you…what?” I shake my head, blinking back the building tears. “But you said...y-you said—"

“I know what I said, Chevelle! And now I’m saying that I lied and that it was a mistake!” He runs his hands through his hair in the way that he does when he’s stressed or frustrated.

“I don’t believe you.” I cry, “You told me you loved me…”

He finally looks at me, the ugly sneer spread across his face makes me want to vomit. “Whether you believe me or not doesn’t matter. The truth is that I said whatever I needed to say so that I could have your pussy wrapped around my cock!” My heart clenches in my chest, literally skipping a beat as I try to catch my breath. There is no way that you can prepare for heartbreak, even if deep down, you already know what’s coming. And unfortunately, denial isn’t a river in Egypt.

*This shouldn’t hurt, it shouldn’t matter,* my mind tries to convince me. Everything has just escalated between us; it shouldn’t hurt this much this quickly.

*But it does.*

I attempt to slow my breathing and get my emotions under control as I wage an inner battle with myself.

*You can do this Chevy.* I’m still trying to convince myself of the near impossible as I come to a decision. A painful one, but what choice do I have?

He’s the only person that I’ve allowed into my life, meanwhile managing to slowly ease his way into my heart. He played me for a fool, and I fell for it. Hook, line, and freaking sinker.

*Well, not anymore.*

*And never again.*

Mentally, I begin to build a protective wall around my heart, brick by brick, layer by layer. That bitch will be locked down like a fortress protecting precious goods. Only those precious goods happen to be my fragile heart.

I turn back towards him, nodding in agreement. *He’s right. It was a mistake. He lied. He doesn’t really love me…* I repeat the words on a loop inside my head. Determined that if I keep saying them, that eventually I will come to believe them.

“Of course,” I nod, ducking my head, “I need to go,” I say, not even giving him a backwards glance as I slip by him, wiping away the remnants of the few tears that managed to escape as I head towards my room to pack my bags.

*Fuck him!*

And like fuck am I going to stay in *his* apartment where *I* am clearly not wanted.

After I get my bag packed, I put the cell phone that he got me on the bed and head into the hallway.

I hear them talking as soon as I step across the threshold of what was my room and recognize Jack’s voice immediately, causing me to stop halfway down the hall. Jack hasn’t been around in quite a while, but I guess it would make sense that he’d come over to help River move the stuff that he needs over to his place for the time being.

“You’re such a dumb fuck! I can’t believe you…” Jack bites out, frustration evident in his voice. “You said that you wouldn’t let things go this far until you told her the truth about everything. This is exactly why I didn’t think you getting close to her or her staying here was a good idea.”

“I know, man. I feel like shit about how everything went down, trust me. But…you couldn’t begin to understand...” He trails off, a few moments of silence tick by before I hear a growl of frustration. “Fuck…I am so fucked!” he says, and I hear him begin to pace, “There’s no way that she’s going to forgive me now. Not after I just lied to her by telling her that I lied so that I could get into her pants. Hell, I wouldn’t forgive me, not if I were her.” My heart is hammering in my chest, my head reeling. I’m unable to make sense of any of this…he lied? “Never mind once she finds out that it was me that hit her and Sienna that night. That *I’m* the one that took her life away from her…” he continues…

“I don’t know what to tell you, dude. You fucked up really bad this time…” Jack replies, his voice laced with frustration.

Suddenly, my whole body becomes hot and my ears begin to ring, causing me to sway on my feet as what River just said hits me.

*He’s the reason I have no memory.*

*He’s the reason I lost everything*.

I want to know more but I can’t stay in the hallway any longer and right now, I know that I can’t confront him. I feel like I’m about to pass out. I manage to stumble my way back to my room, shutting the door as quietly as I can. Leaning against the hard wood, I slowly slide down its smooth surface until my butt hits the plush carpet of the bedroom floor.

*I can’t believe this.*

*Why would he keep that from me?*

*What else has he lied about or kept secret from me?*

Tears stream down my cheeks once again, this hurt even worse than the last, as I begin to question everything that I thought that I knew about the man I’ve been living with for months.

*Do I even know who River really is?*