Chapter 38: I Can't

My pulse raced as Zander continued to look at me. Why had he done this to me? I shouldn’t have followed him out to this spot. I knew it was too romantic and secluded. No one had a chance of interrupting us. It felt like I had been tricked by Zander.

I stood there in shock. I understood why he had brought me to such a romantic spot. Zander had planned this from the minute he had found me. I should’ve known something was fishy when he brought me to a place like that.

What made him want to propose? This was so sudden. It was hard to believe that I used to find him irritating. My heart was racing so fast, and I felt like I was on cloud nine.

Time had slowed down after I heard his proposal. Was I dreaming? Zander hadn’t really proposed, had he?

Maybe my subconscious made up the situation. I didn’t recall Zander being a top notch romantic.

Zander suddenly spoke up, “Did I strike you speechless?

He snapped me out of my thoughts. I cleared my throat and replied, “Did I hear you right? You really proposed to me? I’m not dreaming?”

Zander chuckled and stroked my hair. I felt tingles go down my spine. He leaned in closer to me and smiled brightly. Zander put his hand on my cheek and kept looking at me lovingly.

I discreetly pinched my arm to see if I was dreaming. Wow, he really had proposed. This was a tough situation I was in. I never thought he would feel strongly enough about me to propose.

When we first met, I remembered how much he seemed to dislike me. He wanted nothing to do with me and didn’t try to impress on that first date. Now things had changed quite dramatically. We both had feelings for each other that we couldn’t fight anymore.

He looked into my eyes and said, “Take your time. I don’t want you to feel pressured to make a decision. I want it to come from your heart.”

I also couldn’t believe Zander said he’d give up his revenge, so we could be together. That was a major thing to give up for him. He'd been trying for years to exact his revenge. Zander meant it with how serious he had said it.

My brain and heart didn’t agree what to do. It was my brain that won in the battle of my decision. Choosing by my heart wouldn’t be wise. It would only lead to my parents and Ash being disappointed in me. I couldn’t let them down.

Suddenly, my heart sunk a little. I knew what the right thing to do was. Zander wasn’t going to like it. Why did I have to hurt him so deeply?

I wished there had been a compromise. Why couldn’t he have found me before Ash? Guilt hit me in the gut thinking that.

I cleared my throat and said, “Zander. I’m sorry but I can’t accept your proposal.”

Zander’s eyes lost a spark to them, and he looked completely heartbroken. His tail would’ve been down if he had been in wolf form. Seeing him like that made me feel like my heart had been punched.

“Why not? Don’t you love me back?”

I swallowed and looked him in the eyes apologetically. Zander looked like he was holding in his breath. He nervously ran a hand through his hair.

“Of course I love you. But it’s complicated.”

Zander asked sadly, “What’s so complicated? You love me and I love you. Let’s be together for the rest of our lives.”

His words struck my heart powerfully. Why did he make me feel kind of guilty? My heart felt sore. Zander didn’t deserve what I needed to tell him.

Why did I have to reject him? Ash. My mind flashed the word to me. I couldn’t go back on the old promise I had said to him. How was I supposed to get through this heart wrenching rejection?

I sighed and said, “I have duties to my pack and there’s Ash. I made a promise to him that I can’t break. It would be wrong to leave everything behind and run away with you.”

“We’re young. Let’s be reckless. You could be so happy with me Cleo.”

I didn’t know what to say to him. Zander made my chest constrict. Why did he have to make this more difficult than it had to be? Why couldn’t Zander just let me go?

Secretly I wished I could run away with Zander and leave my pack and Ash behind. It wouldn’t be hard. I could run away, and we could create a new pack where I could still lead. I’m sure I’d be really happy being with him like he said.

But I couldn’t do that to my parents and Ash. I knew what they expected of me, especially Ash. We had been through too much to abandon him like that. I wasn’t going to leave him standing at an altar without a bride. I wouldn’t be that person.

Zander got quiet and moved closer to me and cupped my face with is hands. His action made me gasp in surprise. Zander’s eyes were so full of love that it made my heart speed up like a train.

He looked into my eyes affectionately. I had never seen such a look from him before. A warmth went through my whole body.

“Are you sure I can’t convince you to change your mind?”

Zander moved dangerously close to my lips. His warm breath could be felt on my mouth. It was so close to kissing without actually doing it. Somehow, it was worse than actually kissing.

I held my ground and said, “I’m sorry. You can’t change my mind.” I added, “I wish things were different. I really do.”

“I wish things were different too. I really am so in love with you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before you.”

I held back from getting emotional and said, “I really love you too. I'm so sorry we can't marry.”

He sighed and said, “I’ll still serve you faithfully as a Beta. You won’t ever be mine, but at least I can stay by your side.” Zander added, “But I won’t attend your wedding with Ash.”

Zander said Ash’s name with hate. It sucked that I couldn’t run away with him. I knew in my heart that declining was better to do. I didn’t have many choices, and I couldn’t compromise.

It was the right choice to do for my pack and Ash. I just hoped I was choosing wisely for my own heart. Looking at Zander made me question if it was what I really desired.